Virtual Illusions

HIGH LORD ZEN

Earlier this week, in a beautiful ceremony involving many wilted plastic roses, I was knighted Sir Zen of the Wilted Plastic Roses. Along with this exalted title, I was given the awesome responsibility of protecting the rights and privileges of wilted plastic roses everywhere (good thing I happen to be a god to help me in these duties). So if you happen to be a wilted plastic rose in need of protection, you know where to turn. My new found knighthood makes me part of that exclusive organization: The Knights of the Ping-Pong Table.

You can’t kill Michael Malloy (seems as good of a transition as any).

We just got through “Suck Up To Parents Weekend”. More programs in one weekend than the university has put on all year to date. I especially liked the archway of balloons, why not just advertise that you’re brown-nosing? I bet even the TDR food was edible (I won’t go so far as to say good). Perfectly content to treat us like Drek, but parents must be pampered…typical.

I had a lovely paragraph prepared that insulted every group I could think of in an effort to rile people up and get them to send me a letter. But two were handed to me moments before I was to start typing this in. I’ve scraped that paragraph in order to answer some questions my brother in godhood, Bob, had for me.

To: High Lord Zen
Re: Being so damn superior

Ain’t it a bitch being so superior to everyone?

Why don you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why are people around here so damn sensitive? Is it like they don’t go out and get plastered every other night or something?

Oh, and finally, Brother Zen, just what the hell kind of a name is “Tipper?”

<Duran Duran Mode On> Please please tell me now…is there something I should know?

<Duran Duran Mode Off> Thank God…I thought I was learning to control that. Isn’t it a pain in the behind to know that Duran Duran is a real element of our pasts, at least at one point, admitted to like? I mean, it’s worse than the Village People.

Signed, Recently Laid-off High Lord Bob

I was asked ever so humbly whether I had trouble being superior to everyone. Answer: NO! None what so ever. I suppose it might become a problem of suddenly an alarming number of people started to show some intellect and common sense, but currently I don’t think it’s a problem. With a flash of enlightenment, Brother Bob asked why people around here are so damn sensitive. Answer: I think it is because they are all idiots, without a rudimentary sense of humor. It may be because they don’t get plastered every other night that their problems might originate. Having a different state of conscience enhances one’s view of reality and life and makes it clear that there isn’t any sort of evidence indicating that life is serious. So laugh. lastly, what kind of name is Tipper? Answer: I’m sorry I can’t answer that because of the censors.

Dear High Lord Zen,

Most noble one, I am worried about the crime rate at American. From what I hear, a murder happens once every 5 years or so on campus. If that is true, are we do for another murder soon?

Do you know American’s policy of a faculty member being put to death? Does that faculty member’s class automatically get an A, if such a nasty event should take place? Please respond quickly. I am losing sleep over this ponderous question.

P.S. I would not leave without giving you a riddle:

If there exists a creator that has no limitations on its powers, could it create an object that it could not carry?

Yours truly, The Man in Black

To the dear man in black: actually, a death occurs once every five years, which means, according to my calculations, this very school year someone is slated to die. Maybe someone you know. Maybe not. Unfortunately, this statistic is just for death overall. If you would like this death to be murder, I fully support you in your efforts. On your second question, while the university hasn’t recently put a faculty member to death, I believe back when it was common practice to assassinate professors (to get better grades), the school made a ruling on this. Let me look it up in my student handbook. Here it is in Section II.C.1 of Faculty Death Code. It clearly states that if a faculty member dies of anything besides old age, all students who ever had a class with him or her will get an F for all courses he was teaching while he died. In section II.C.2, it says if the professor dies of old age (cancer, heart attack, etc do not count), all students currently enrolled in that class receive a W (for withdrawal) on their transcript, get no credit for the course, and get no money back. While I could ramble on for pages on your last question, I will break it down thusly: if an omnipotent creator creates something he can not carry, he has vested that object with part of his power and he is no longer omnipotent. Depending on you personal opinions on dividing infinity, you can decide whether the omnipotent being can do this. In general, it’s not a good idea to willingly reduce ones power from omnipotent to merely potent.

Oh, and by the way, the 8 kabillion people who know who I really am…Shhh..It’s supposed to be a secret.

Sir High Lord Zen
Defender of the Wilted Plastic Rose,
Knight of the Ping-Pong Table

HLZ