Sir High Lord Zen - Volume 4, Number 9
HIGH LORD ZEN
Since last week, I attended “Devil Worship: The Rise of Satanism,” a presentation put on by The Campus Crusade for Christ. Anyway, they showed a movie about satanism. They called it a documentary, but I reserve that word for educational films that are objective; non-objective educational films are called propaganda. I’ve done some research on satanism in my time, and now I’m going to address some issues that would have been discussed in the movie, if it wasn’t designed to provoke fear and paranoia. One of the fundamental flaws of the movie was not to separate the cults. What they did is take every satanist or alternate religion and group them all together. Any crime any single member of this composite group had committed was attributed to the group as a whole. If you did this with established religions, they’d look pretty bad too. Of course, there is the classic one of linking suicide to satanism. Completely ignoring the possibility of a third source: the problem that caused this person to both get involved with satanism and kill themselves. They spent a solid bit of time discussing how witches used perverse sexual practices to gain power, I guess they didn’t talk to the witch I talked to who was celibate in order not to expend their personal energy into another person during sex. There was absolutely no discussion of the cult leader who uses pseudo religion to establish power over another person. The leader doesn’t have to believe a word he’s saying as long as his followers’ absolute loyalty is guaranteed. This is usually where you have a psycho leading a cult and telling them to kill people. They also went as far as to link all unsolved crimes to satanism. Of course, since it was put on by CCC, there was a long bit on how Jesus would set your soul free, etc, etc. Oh, by the way, if you listen to AC/DC, Iron Maiden, Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones, or The Beatles (??), your soul is in serious danger. If you saw the flick and took it seriously, I suggest you go to our library and check out “In Pursuit of Satan,” and read an objective investigation of satanism.
Anyway, onto more amusing matters. I got a couple of letters this week:
To : High Lord Zen
Re: Your �mystical’ powers, and misquoting me
Zen, Zen, Zen, Zen…when will you ever learn? Misquoting is one of the thingsthat got my last gig trashed. Be careful, sailor, as you are in uncharted, nasty waters.
I am afraid I will have to disclose my true identity; yes, Zen, I am Bob, your Big Brother in Knighthood. You forget that you are but a mere pledge, and your misquoting will force me to bring down incredible amounts of hazing upon your sorry little neck.
But that’s what you get for saying what you like in print.
Signed, High Lord Bob of the Second Order of the Moldy Ceiling Tile
aka “Holier Than Thou, Thhhppppppptttthhh!”
PS I didn’t stick in a good question this week. How about this: Did you hear Ross Perot just dumped Adm Stockdale in favor of Pee-Wee Herman?
PPS Perot wanted someone who’d do a hands-on job.
Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob…a couple of points. First off, I hand the letters and my articles to the editor and tell him where to paste, so you’ll have to take it up with him about misquoting. However, doing so would make you significantly less than those who trashed your paper, and a hypocrite to boot. Now I don’t think we really want that, now do we? As to the pretense that you are my big brother, I have news for you: you are but a child compared to me. I am the original Knight of the Ping Pong Table and Defender of All Wilted Plastic Roses. I suggest you watch your tongue, less I take you down a few notches.
Anyway, onto the next letter:
Dear HLZ,
Will you please put a curse on the shameful and despicable fiend who stole my laundry from the 3rd floor this past Friday? Please include in your section how SICKO it is to steal someone else’s undergarments!!
A poetic release of anger:
Oh, sticky fingers who was roaming my hall,
Have you ever heard of a SHOPPING MALL?
Why did you steal my favorite jeans,
You evil and conniving fiend?
If I ever see you wearing my clothes,
I’ll run up to you and break your nose.
Thanks High Lord Zen.
Sincerely, a clothesless (sort of) resident
For a clothesless (sort of) resident (despite the fact that she isn’t a wilted plastic rose) I do hereby curse the thieves of clothes to an eternity inside a three foot by three foot by five foot box with music piped in from a twenty minute tape of Top Forty music on auto-repeat. If it were my clothes stolen, and I saw you in my favorite jeans, your nose would be the least of your problems (how do you feel about hanging by your toenails eight stories up and buck naked? Sound like fun, don’t it?) As for how “sicko” it is, I’d have to say it isn’t any more sick than your average priest who finds an eleven year old boy sexually attractive.
Sir High Lord Zen,
Knight of the Ping Pong Table,
Defender of the Wilted Plastic Roses