HIGH LORD ZEN

More and more I seem to be starting these articles after my deadline. Oh well, no biggie. One of my major ego boosts is when I’m out somewhere and I hear people trying to figure out who I am. It gives me genuine pleasure to deny it. Last night, I head three such conversations and I thought it was truly entertaining. But to end the mystery I will announce who I really am…get serious, do you think I’m going to tell you who I am and ruin all the fun?

Last week, the Catholics realized that God left out some sins in his original scriptures. Luckily, man was here to correct him (I’m skipping a fun argument on how an omniscient being didn’t know these sins would be needed when he wrote the original scriptures). That’s right, the Catholic church issued a new catechism and it only took them six years of work. They added all sorts of new politically correct sins to the books. Tax evasion is now considered a sin (so much for the separation of church and state), so is financial speculation, drug abuse, abuse of the environment (gee, I don’t know what you mean politically correct), mistreatment of immigrants (but you can still beat your child as long as he or she isn’t an immigrant).

The church also defined artificial insemination and genetic engineering to be sins. It seems the church is worthy to correct and improve on Gods work but modern science just can’t handle it. It seems the church is very fond of saying that God works in mysterious ways whenever a bad thing happens to a good person, but can’t cope with the concept that perhaps modern science is one of those mysterious ways. As much as I would like to sit around the stall and discuss my thoughts on the church and God, I have a couple of letters to get to.

Dearest High Lord Zen,

First - how can you get away with calling yourself High Lord - for we are the High Goddesses of all Hughes Hall. And we feel that your stupid commentary on life and death does not merit High Lordness.

Secondly - your last issue was nonsense - it made no sense (oh - we feel you should start to proofread).

Third - Yes, the Hughes News makes us “yuck potty” better, however, your typo’sand the inside jokes only serve as impediments to my flow of urination - or other.

Lastly - what the hell is a wilted rose?

We would like to add our Top 5 List: What to do when you and your roommate can’t sleep:

1) Count sheep (we don’t recommend this though because the sheep have trouble jumping over two beds)
2) Go in hallway and talk to boring floormates
3) Write to High Lord (?) Zen
4) Write notes on everybody’s door on your floor such as - “Why can’t we all just get along?”
5) Write to High Lord Zen

With love and Queenship - Robespierre

I am sorry that you do not find my articles entertaining but luckily for me you are not my goddess so your thoughts on my High Lordship are rather trivial. OK, folks, I’ll come right out and say it (Bob pay attention): This is my article, the chance of you being able to write me a letter placing yourself over me without me immediately becoming hostile towards you are rather slim. I can think of only one or maybe two people who could pull it off. And one already has.

Anyway, onto your second point. I know the meaning of the word nonsense (but thank you for defining it for the less fortunate). Producing Zen is a two step process that’s been covered before. I transcribe a minute in my skull to paper where it is handed over to my editor without explanation and he must make it reasonable, and readable (I don’t envy the poor guy).

Thirdly, typos are the editor’s fault, not mine. I certainly don’t make any such mistakes (at least not when it’s being typed for the final type). The number of inside jokes in my articles are rather few. I believe they are limited to my titles, and the discussion I had with the Lady of the Loft. Anything else is simply something you don’t understand. Sorry about the urinary problem, though.

Lastly, my full title is Defender of Wilted Plastic Roses. Which part don’t you understand? Imagine a piece of plastic through the use of an origami like technique transformed into a rose. That would be a plastic rose. Now since it is plastic and not paper, the origami like technique doesn’t work as well as it could. So the end product looks more like a wilted plastic rose instead of a plastic rose. I thought the concept was simple…oh, well.

Anyway, onto the Man in Black who I always seem to save for last.

High Lord Zen,

I don’t need symbols or titles to boost my self-esteem. My life is who I am and my knowledge is my power. I must say Zen that I find you humorous. Your articles enlighten my mood when I am bored or just defecating in one of the finely restored bathrooms of Hughes Hall.

The holidays are upon us and my message to you and all residents of Hughes Hall is to go out and experience something that you will remember all of your life.

Life unfolds on a great sheet called time, and once find, it is gone forever.

- The Man in Black

I agree with what you have to say. Not once have you sent me a letter I have any serious disagreement with. I am sorry that my titles bother you. My titles are not my power or my self esteem, they are my entertainment. Who and what I am is innate. No words, visions, or symbols can describe what I am (much less earthly monarch titles). Through long association with me you may begin to get a glimpse of what I am. But you could no more describe me to another that I could describe myself to you. My name means something but the concepts that’ can’t be spoken for there are no words for them (I think I’m getting redundant). Anyway, I am glad that I can entertain you. It brings me pleasure to entertain the people of Hughes.

I bid you, one and all, a good day.

Sir High Lord Zen
Knight of the Ping Pong Table
Defender of Wilted Plastic Roses