Virtual Illusions

HIGH LORD ZEN

We’re back; don’t we all feel special. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years, Joining, or Disjoining. Hated it myself. Seemed like I got a grand total of three days of vacation instead of three weeks. Had to put up with work and the parental units. Usual garbage.

What’s up with this New Year thing? Why in gods name does the media think that we are happy and cherry at the prospect that another year has gone by. It’s worse than my birthday (at least at the birthday you get presents and you usually get a little attention). New Years you just sit there and allow another Year to slip through your fingers in our headlong rush towards death. And we celebrate the passing of this time as if we are happy that we missed all the opportunities and they will never return. I must say that New Years is the most depressing day out there. This champaign thing isn’t a celebration, it is a desire to get blind stinking drunk to ease the pain of another lost year. I don’t know about you all, perhaps I’m out of touch with the masses, but I retain two of my friends from y pre-college days. Come New Years Eve, one was on his way to Ohio, the other was playing Pictionary with his mother and girlfriend. There’s only one thing worse than New Years…New Years alone.

God, I hate New years….in my own words…another year, another death.

A little something for the older members of the Hughes Hall community: My freshman year I came here and my floormates hung out during the breaks. During Thanksgiving, about half the floor went home. Now, only 2 people on my floor stayed for Thanksgiving. People used to use any method to come back early to hang with friends. Now people are waiting to the last possible second to return. Why do you suppose this is? What’s changed? Has our sparkling personality become insufficient draw to keep people here?

Ahhh, let em rot.

I guess I should move onto letters. These are old letters dating back to 400 BC or some such date. I got my first bonafide hate mail in this batch. So here it goes:

You are a pompous pain in the ass. You degrade everyone who writes to you and then the editor (sorry, Steve) has the gall to ask people to keep writing to you.

Some examples of your “fine” work are insulting single mothers (it’s not their fault they’re single - it’s shithead males, like yourself, who run out on them who are to blame) and insinuating that the average Catholic priest is a child molester.

We know that we are just setting ourselves up by writing this letter, but someone has to tell you that you are full of shit! You are not only a joke; you are an insult. We’re (somewhat) sorry if we offended you, but since you obviously don’t care about offending other people, we decided “What the hell - why not?”

Well, we decided to cut it short because we know that you need a lot of room for a smartass reply.

Kristin and Saima

I’m sorry you do not find my satire funny. I would sat this grieves me, but in truth it doesn’t hurt too much. I will attempt to address a few of the grievances that you have listed.

The comment about single mothers was supposed to be a backhanded assault on the Republicans. I’m sorry if you missed the sarcasm in the statement. As for your comments on the subject of single mothers: Well I was brought up to believe the production of a child generally requires two people. Personally, I fully support any woman who would like to raise a family on her own. I condemn a man who simply up and leaves after getting a woman pregnant. But I would like to correct a few erroneous comments of yours. First, I have no wandering children around that I have left (and you blame me for stereotyping: look at your own words). Your attitude towards the subject is a form of social programming. You are telling men this is an acceptable action because after all, they’re just men instead of programming people to take responsibility for their actions. This includes women, she is as responsible as he for an unwanted pregnancy. Remember that next time you want to blindly blame a man for every ill in society.

As for the Catholic priests. I have personally known eight priests who were child molesters. This occurs because in the old days, when me had these sort of inappropriate thoughts, they joined the priesthood under the assumption that the inappropriate thoughts would go away. This, of course, is a lie. So there is a fair number of priests who never dealt with this problem, and thus my stereotype of the child molester priest. I am sorry if you disagree with what I have seen.

By the way, yes I am a joke and as a joke I’m only insulting to those who hold their beliefs too seriously and cannot take a joke. I hope my “smartass” response wasn’t too insulting to you personally. Now, The Man in Black will bring us to the end.

A message,

When things go wrong as they sometimes will; when the road you’re trudging seems all uphill; when the funds are low and the debts are high; and you want to smile when you have to sigh; When care is pressing you down a bit - rest if you must, but don’t you quit. Success is a failure turned inside out; the silver tint of the clouds of doubt; and you never can tell how close you are; it may be never when it seems afar. So, stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit - it’s when things go wrong that you mustn’t quit.

Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.

The Man in Black

Sir High Lord Zen
Knight of the Ping Pong Table
Defender of Wilted Plastic Roses

HLZ