Virtual Illusions

HIGH LORD ZEN

Well children, it’s been a while. My last article seems to have generated more letters than I know what to do with and so while I normally would begin with some petty witticism, I’ll speed directly to the letters. In total I have received six letters, an all time high. The first letter is from our new neighbors in the observatory. It seems the secret service must have come and stole a copy for them.

Dear Zen,

We would like to apologize to you on the behalf of all the overemotional, irrational, delusional, chip-on-their-padded-shoulder females in the building. The Hughes News is entertainment, not social commentary. It is not the Post. You can read it on the can, for Chrissake. Who can we laugh at if we can’t poke fun at ourselves? To those who wrote that sill little letter to Zen last time - if you don’t like Zen then why the hell don’t you submit something yourselves instead of sitting around bitching about things you don’t do anything to change? Zen, you make us chuckle. Keep it up - and can you slip something in about the pope again?

Thanx, Al G. and Tipper

I would attempt to oblige the vice president and the second lady, but the Pope hasn’t done anything really silly recently. But fear not, as long as my right to free speech isn’t suspended, I’ll continue to write. Thank you for your support, but it seems that you are not alone in criticizing my critics. Demosthenes also wishes to protect me from the evil words of Kristin and Saima.

Dear Lord Zen,

Although phrases such as “piece of shit” do not usually command respect, and although I am not usually a person of delicate sensibilities, I have encountered (and fallen victim to) abuse such as was contained in K & S’s letter that I feel beholden to write. Most of the time I let it slide. But K & S, you have only opened your mouths and let every one in this building (and everyone who uses the bathroom in Hughes) know just exactly how stupid you really are. These things offend me. This glaring lack of education bites my spleen and leaves me weak and nauseous. Are there really people at an institute of higher earning with such limited insight as to miss Lord Zen’s buttery-delicious, yet delightfully citric wit?

Although I do not always agree with Him, I can read between the lines and capture Zen’s real mind (And I must admit he does tend to make His satire obvious; now I understand He means to get through to such yammerheads as K & S). Sigh, I must , for now halls and halls of satirical literature (and all literature contains satire) are quite lost to posterity if such IMBECILES are making the grade. But then, this is AU.

They need the money. In closing, a final suggestion for K & S: take a writing course. This world does not need such insipid morons with a weak command of the English language.

- Demonsthenes

I thank you for your compliments and your defense. It makes it easier to put the time into writing these things if I know people at least marginally enjoy them. But there is no reason to wish evil on those who don’t like what I write. I’d like to say it isn’t their fault that they respond with an irrational letter. But of course it was. We could just forgive them for it…nahhh. There is one more letter that was sent to defend me. That makes three. This letter is actually from a resident of Leonard Hall. Seems they are running over here to use our bathrooms.

Dear High Lord Zen,

Although I live in Leonard, I have had the ultimate privilege of reading your thoughts over the months through many a fine shit in Hughes. After I read that inflammatory, insultory letter to you last week, I thought I should come out in your defense. All that I can say is that your words/thoughts are a hell of a lot more interesting than the secret coded messages included in the weekly Leonard bathroom stall news. You are truly refreshing and you should be appreciated. Moving on, I too, agree with your views on Thanksgiving, birthdays, New Years, all of the holidays falling around the winter solstice. (I just thought you’d want to know someone else shares your views).

A note (or an aside) to The Man in Black. The saying really goes: When things go wrong as they usually will/And your daily road seems all uphill/When funds are low and debts are high/When you try to smile but can only cry/And you really feel like you’d like to quit/Don’t run to me, I DON”T GIVE A SHIT!

Tootles - A Leonard Louse

Again, thank you for the appreciation. I didn’t realize I had attained interdorm fame. Secret coded messages just don’t have the same flare (unless they are actively to you) that a little satires on life has. It is comforting to know that at least one other person shares my views of the media/commercial circus that starts a month and a half before the end of a year. Since you mentioned the Man in Black, why don’t we hear from him.

My words are easy to understand, very easy to practice. But no one is able to understand them, and no one is able to practice them. Words have authority. Affairs have ancestry. It is simply because of their ignorance, that they do not understand me; those who understand me are few, thus I am ennobled. For this reason, the sage wears coarse clothing over his shoulders, but carries jade within his bosom.

The Man in Black

Ok, ok, ok…I have one little problem with this. Just because you are confusing does not make you noble. A gifted sage can make clear to the common laymen whatever his personal wisdom is. He is ennobled based on the nobility of the message, not by the fact that it isn’t understood. Or maybe, I don’t understand the meaning of that line. Anyway, onto Rael’s letter.

High Lord Zen

Sometimes I sit awake at night in front of my window and I stare out at the starry Washington, d.C. sky and I think that I really shouldn’t be here and that my admission was just an accident and that I haven’t got enough brain cells to beat a retarded anteater at the Wheel of Fortune home game and that I really don’t know what I’m talking about most of the time and that I should probably pack it in and go home, but then I remember that I came here to escape home and to learn to beat a retarded anteater at the Wheel of Fortune home game and I really get bummed because I just can’t seem to write a sentence without it being a run on; can you relate?

- Rael

Here we get into intelligence, wisdom, and the perception of both. A person who believes themselves wise or smart is usually only vain. Each of us went through uncountable trials to get here and that’s just academics from kindergarten up to the twelfth grade. The harder trials usually come outside of academia, but that’s another story for another time. In that time some people were convinced they were wise or smart. Most were often told they were idiots. Where your true wisdom or intelligence lies is another matter all together. It seems it was impressed upon you that you weren’t as smart as your neighbor, which is probably a falsehood. Besides look at my writing, and tell me I can write to save my life. I Have an odd request from HH, ut one which I will honor.

To HLZ:

As you may or may not know, Todd Lawson is a Hughes Hall resident, so I thought I would bring his editorial to your attention. It seems like the kind of thing you would comment on and I was hoping you could invite other responses from other Hughes Hall residents.

Sincerely, HH

The article in question is from the February 1, 1993 Eagle in the Bird’s Eye section entitled “Eliminate residents assistant position.” A quick summary of the editorial goes something like this: An RAs job is nearly impossible to do so usually they don’t succeed at all aspects of the job. And he then boils the RA position down to policing (after first listing five things an RA is supposed to do) and suggests that we get rid of RAs and handle things ourselves. If you boil the position to policing, I tend to agree. But the basic premise of the RA should be to help the student adjust to new surroundings, be a resource of the university or city related information, mediate disputes between residents, and only as a very last resort a police officer. The problem is the RAs often act as if their primary job is as a rules enforcer. My opinion is unless someone actually comes to the RA with a clear violation of rules and some arrangements cannot be reached through negotiations only then should the rules be enforced. My RA has been very helpful with a wide variety of problems, mostly personal, but I won’t tell him if I’m having a beer in my room. That’s ridiculous. On the other hand, if I am having a beer in my room causing no problems to anybody, I don’t expect him to care. Unfortunately, the school is more interested in a police state than a community, so if there is any sort of rules violation (disturbing or not) the RAs are told to write you up. I’m sure the others have other opinions and of course I welcome them all.

If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll slip off into another reality now. Did I mention this is an hour and forty minutes late. Might get in, might not. We’ll see.

Sir High Lord Zen
Knight of the Ping Pong Table
Defender of Wilted Plastic Roses

HLZ