Virtual Illusions

HIGH LORD ZEN

Well children, time has passed and it is time I made some passing comments to my adoring public. Yes, I know I don’t really have an adoring public, but as a god I like to lie about such things to make myself feel (self) important.

I don’t really have a subject so we’ll open it up to the peanut gallery…. And the answer from peanut number 1 is blood. Blood the sweet, the sublime, the nectar, the blood. There are few drinks that can satisfy a divine thirst the way blood can. The still warm taste as you pour it down your throat from the still beating heart of your donor (victim.) Perhaps (like there is any question) I’m a warped and twisted god, but it seems like fun to me, besides the Vampiric Nymph thinks drinking blood is a lot of fun.

This reminds me of a moment of my pre-college days (about 1922 or so.) Me and a friend of mine (Vlad) were eating at one of those obnoxious food courts, (I think I was eating pizza, brad had a cinnabon (and was eating it amazingly slowly.)) We were sitting next to one of those old biddies who drive like 2 miles per hour in the left lane of the beltway during rush hour. So what does Vlad say? “You know this stuff doesn’t really have the same flavor and texture as human flesh.” The conversation went steadily down hill from there. I think human sacrifice came up. The looks we got from the biddy were priceless, damning and fatal, but priceless.

The second suggestion from the peanut gallery is lightswitches. I immediately responded, “Lovely Idea, why didn’t I think of that?” I was quickly informed that the problem was that I wasn’t stoned out of my mind on cinnamon (cinnamon keeps coming up this week, could this have something to do with the phase of the moon, and the alignment of planets? I don’t think so either.) Anyway, Lightswitches are really cool. I mean if there weren’t lightswitches we’d all have to use the clapper, and then we couldn’t make fun of them any more, and that would suck. Any way enough of that subject.

Normally I like to write something substantial (deep and meaningful,) but I made two earlier attempts to write meaningful Lord Zens, but all I got was introspective analysis of my souls, and I know you don’t care or want to care about my souls when you have your own to worry about. So most of you will never get to read those pieces.

Without further ado (yeah, right,) We’ll move to letters which haven’t shown up yet, (but I’m told They’re on their way.) Of course I’m sure I’ll edit out the above when they do show up (or maybe not.)

Your Highest Lordship to whom I’ve made a silent vow of loyalty,

I humbly thank thee for thine mention of me in thy last column. However, I must remedy a confusion of sorts, which mainly deals with semantics. Thou hast said, “large numbers of you never knew and don’t remember her.” This is not possible, for as I am a nymph, I have made my presence known to everyone, albeit in varying physical forms. Thus and consequentially, thou might knowest me in my true form (or one of them), while other beings, mortal or not, know me in another form (physical or otherwise). I beg thee to pardon my insolence in correcting a god, especially one of thy magnitude. I just wanted the plethora of followers thou hast to understand what might have otherwise fucked them up. Also, I thank thee for thy sweet inference that I am either special or beautiful or both. I am truly flattered.

Thine in Servitude,
Thy Vampiric Nymph.

A thousand pardons, I made the inappropriate assumption that you asked that I remember your physical manifestation to my followers. I should have realized the request was to remember the nature of nymphdom to them, allow me to correct my error (or oops.)

Allow me to introduce to everyone the nature of the Nymph, they are the part of us that couldn’t be bothered with growing up. The sweet children who remind us why we bother plodding through this world. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean that they are children they just posses the child’s nature. The nature that allows carefree frolicking in the halls. Each of us posses a little of this kernel, some possess a lot of this kernel, and they are the ones we call nymphs. It is this free roving and loving spirit that I wish to remember to you today. Thus is the nature of nymphdom, mind you the essence of the Vampiric Nymph is blindingly more complex than that. She possesses not only the nature of the nymph, but also the nature of the vampire, and a little bit of the lost child.

Well, I thought I’d have another letter but it hasn’t yet arrived so I’d like to pass on to you a piece of information that I was given the other night: The world is teal with a blue point gray border. Oh, I picked up a new title as well.

Later…

Sir High Lord Zen
Defender of Wilted Plastic Roses
Knight of the Ping Pong Table
Wanderer

HLZ

HIGH LORD ZEN (Never Released)

This is my second attempt at writing a Lord Zen for this period of time, for the first one I lacked energy a wound up with an article far to introspective for general consumption. Mind you as I sit down to write this one you may very well get the same thing. I think you all should know I’m feeling very alone in the world (to keep this at a humorous satire level I should interrupt with some quip on how few gods there are walking around but to be perfectly honest about it I don’t feel like writing such a thing.)

In the wake of my enlightening article on the existence of love, I now (right now) find myself feeling particularly bitter. I’m fostering a deep hatred for the me damned social system that leads to so much pain between men and women. In fact I’m getting that tight feeling in the chest, the feelings of abandonment from all the people I normally turn towards (mind you it’s not really their fault as most of them were absent when I went looking for them.)

I hate the world right now.

Around now it should become obvious that this one won’t reach general distribution either, it may make the mailing list, but that won’t allow me to say more than normally do since I write these things for the people on the list anyway, I understand some other people read them as well, but I certainly don’t know how that happens.

My aura is black, I want to just grab things and throw them at whatever I can, but ultimately I am bound, not by any sort of bounds, but simply by my own programming, a slave to the world I grew up in, a slave to society.

Have I mentioned I hate the world? Oh, I see that I have. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to go. I sit here barely holding back the tears. And I can’t even cry (it hardly would be appropriate seeing as I’m sitting in the middle of the lab and all.)

Since, I’m sitting here devoid of energy, I’ll end it now, may be someone will see it, maybe not, what difference does it make anyway since all it is me dumping all the pain I’ve accumulated inside on some poor unsuspecting souls who have been silly enough to call me friend.

It’s at this point that I would like to bid you all goodbye, find myself a dark cornerswathed in magic and dream of a time and place. A place where I can find happiness, hidden behind every turn in the road, a time when all the roads ultimately lead to Nirvana. When all my pain and all the torment drains out of my body, the ache in my neck and back relaxes. The sea of stress that I sail calms, and I attain lucidity.

But more likely I’ll just sit in decrepid agony and watch the world slowly spin by leaving me to pick up the dust.

Later my children.

Sir High Lord Zen
Knight of the Ping Pong Table
Defender of Wilted Plastic Roses
Lost Child

HLZ

HIGH LORD ZEN (Never Released)

I think I’ll start this article off Largely the way I start the rest of my articles. Hello my children, I have returned. No big surprises yet. In case you missed it, up to this point, I’m feeling particularly unguided in this article. My original conception was to write a bitter article to offset my writings on the existence of love however I don’t think I really have the energy to raise the emotional fervor necessary to relay a true sense of bitterness… Maybe it will come to me later on in the article, maybe not. But that still leaves me with very little in the way of guiding direction to turn this wild and crazy free flow of ideas into an article. I think I’ll start a new paragraph now, this one is getting long.

We’ll I figure when lost, go back to the beginning. I don’t really think that, but tonight I think it might lead me to some interesting thoughts (Yes, I know I’m alone in this thought.) In the beginning I was created by the warped and twisted mind of a soul in torment. I like that beginning it has a sort of ring to it. Torment comes in many forms; there is the pain you feel while basking in the 284th layer of abyss being constantly disembowelled by a demon (who bears a striking resemblance to Eddie from the cover of Iron Maiden album covers,) But none of us are likely to admit being able to commiserate with that kind of torment until we have our little keg party in hell. So most likely that was not the kind of torment my soul was experiencing.

I really haven’t decided what kind it was yet, and since this is a revisionist’s history I don’t have to let myself get bogged down by little details, like facts. More likely the kind of pain I was experiencing was derived from the way I lead my life (social interaction even (should be said with a snagglpuss accent,)) I existed on the edges of society, mind you not just one but lots of societies. But most likely you don’t care about the details (details are irrelevant) come to think about it what do you care about.

Somehow I wrote the right words (probably something along the lines of ‘I’m a god’) and convinced some people that I am a deity, but it was never clear in anything I have come to understand what you want. It is only through you that I exist, without you, I’m just a random mal-adjusted post teen college student with dreams of grandeur. Well enough of this, I don’t know that I like where this is going. I think it would involve far to much work to keep it entertaining, so I think I’ll change the subject.

As you will notice by the time you finish reading this article I have no letter today. Kind of disappointing, but than it dawned on me, “why Zen, the reason you have no letter to guide you in the thinking of your disciples is because you forgot to tell them that there input is welcome and that they should send all letters to (gee, let me think, I guess letters should go to the new editor (thank you and good job Chara”) mind you I haven’t asked her yet so perhaps they’ll somewhere else and this bit will be edited out.) Pretty complex thought for a dawning, you did see the little light bulb didn’t you? So send letters to 406 Hughes hall, and all the rest of that drek. So next week there will be no simple excuse, and I do hate complex excuses. So don’t make me work so hard, send me a letter I can work with, something to guide and direct my piddling musings.

It’s at this point that I would like to bid you all goodbye, find myself a dark corner swathed in magic and dream of a time and place. A place where I can find happiness, hidden behind every turn in the road, a time when all the roads ultimately lead to Nirvana. When all my pain and all the torment drains out of my body, the ache in my neck and back relaxes. The sea of stress that I sail calms, and I attain lucidity.

But more likely I’ll just do my homework, seeing as I have exhausted this avenue of procrastination.

Later my children.

Sir High Lord Zen
Knight of the Ping Pong Table
Defender of Wilted Plastic Roses
Lost Child

HLZ

HIGH LORD ZEN

Hello my children. Since we last talked much has happened, for example my suggestion that everyone skip classes until such a time as they felt it was appropriate that they go to school was followed by nearly everyone… Do you blame them? I could go on to talk about how cold it was and other drek, but not only is that been beat to death it is also akin to talking about the weather and who wants to do that? It’s difficult to retain divine status talking about the weather (human sacrifice, happiness, love and death are much more conducive to your followers believing in you.)

I would like to quote Vladimir Nabokov (from Lolita if you must know, and completely out of context) “There occur maidens who, to certain bewitched travelers … reveal their true nature which is not human, but nymphic (that is, demonic); and these chosen creatures I propose to designate as ‘nymphets.’” I bring this up seemingly completely out of context in regards to a sacred oath I undertook to a certain vampiric nymph. I swore to remember her to you (I never quite understood what that meant especially since large numbers of you never knew and don’t remember her.) So, the question still remains, if all this is true why am I remembering her to you? I can give you two answers: First every nymph is special and should never be forgotten even if you never knew her, and second even a divinity is subject to the guile’s of a beautiful woman (read your mythology.)

Now I’ve got a letter, I’ve read it before I printed here and I think it is one of the best…

Dear Sir High Lord Zen,

I really like your column - the originality, cleverness, wit, and intelligence is refreshing Especially because “the Eagle” blows! Around finals you posed the question as to whether anyone really believed so much in an afterlife that they weren’t afraid to die. Well I can offer an interesting twist to this…

Probably because of the anxiety of finals, I had some sort of a nightmare. I dreamed that I would NEVER die. I grew old, all of my friends and family died, but I just wouldn’t die. It was hell. I was completely lonely, I couldn’t work because I was decrepit (a couple centuries will do that) I woke up in a cold sweat. Death isn’t such an awful concept after all.

So I have another issue I would like you to shed some of your light on. I realize this is not a tacky advice column… I don’t want advice, I’m just wondering about this concept in general… can a man really love a woman, want to marry her, but not be particularly sexually attracted to her? In fact what is love? I think the ultimate love is Jesus Christ on the cross (take him as a literary figure if you must) Does any other type of love exist? Does man just make it up? I have friend who thinks love doesn’t exist, only sexual attraction I don’t want to believe this. What does a “Sir High Lord Zen” like yourself have to say?

A Hughes Dudette

You have hit many wonderful points, and we shall begin as always at the beginning, with dreams. I’m not very good with them myself… In the past three years I can recall three dreams. Following the green grass theory, I think they are great. Even the nightmares are a little bit of reality… not the ordinary kind, but the kind you make yourself. I’ve spent hours wishing that I dreamed… I understand intellectually that I dream but never recall what the dreams are, but still… To see the things in my own head, without having to be responsible for them, what else could I ask? (A vampiric nymph perhaps?) I shall avoid the obvious temptation of analyzing your dream for one very important reason. By example: Sit a bunch of lit majors or college writing students down, hand them a completely meaningless poem you wrote yourself. Instruct them to analyze this poem and leave. Come back in an hour and you will find you are a sexual deviant with the desire to commit suicide to spite your lovers from another life (which you are having flashbacks to.) You think I’m kidding? Try it. So instead I’m going to move on to question the existence of love between men and women.

Without a word of hedging I’m going to say that love exists and is one of the primal forces that control a man or woman. It is very important that you don’t confuse my meaning, I don’t mean lust (it does exist and drives to many peoples actions, but it is not primal (it stems from ones desire to be accepted and have pretty token of status next to them or in the log books.)) True Love (no laughing) has nothing to do with physical appearances or sexual attraction, it has to do with finding someone whose soul is enough like yours for you to be comfortable, but enough different not to drive you crazy. This has been warped by social, societal, and language influences so that what we call love now carries more baggage of lust than it does of love. But love certainly exists. It is true that society has mixed it with lust, and the more or less primal instinct (left over from when we hung out on tree branches) to procreate. This instinct mixed with our ability to make sparks, and we confused the need for intellectual love with the need to perpetuate the species. Thus the beast called romantic love was born. But before I go off on a tangent, let us get down form the high and lofty philosophies to the land of simple answers; Yes, a man can love a woman, and want to marry her without being particularly sexually attracted to her, I hope I don’t have to say the opposite is also possible (and the saving grace of us men.) Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen often as we are enthralled by the society that raised us. A society far to concerned with status symbol mentality of love. Before I begin to repeat myself (hoping by repetition it will slip by people who have already decided to ignore it) we’ll continue onward.

If I had more time I would like explore the question of Jesus Christ as literary figure, as philosopher, as leader, and as god. The last being the only one I have real reservations. I don’t question that there may have been a carpenter who was a great spiritual leader of his people, nor do I blindly accept this as true. It is just as possible that the new testament is a quality piece of fiction. No one now living is truly qualified to answer the question. But as for the matter of him being a god… That I must question.

By the way I’m not a Sir High Lord Zen, I am The Sir High Lord Zen. Got to keep the ego in good working shape.

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Without further ado, I’ll let you leave this spell binding text of the oh so Highest quality… Yeah, whatever…

Sir High Lord Zen
Defender of Wilted Plastic Roses
Knight of the Ping Pong Table

HLZ