Babbling On 5-O
By Greg “Asterisk” Muir
p008536b@pbfreenet.sef lin.lib.fl.us
One day when I had more time on my hands than was good for me I decided to write a cross-over script for Babylon 5 and Animaniacs. Since the chances of such a script going into production are equal to that of the Necronomicron being named the feel-good book of the year, you should feel perfectly safe in reading this. I hope you enjoy it.
Babbling On 5-0
Scene 1
(Pan in on B5 ala show intro; Yakko narrates voice-over introduction)
The Babbling on Project was a dream given form (more like a nightmare), a home for a whole bunch of people, five miles long (nyah, nyah, a Super Star Destroyer is SIX miles long), located in neutral territory. (Neutral as opposed to what, negative?) A port of call for diplomats, hustlers, playboys, itinerant sanitation workers and disgruntled Star Trek writers. It was the dawn of the Third Age of Mankind (wait, wasn’t the 70’s considered an age?)
Dot: (disgusted PU tone voice-over) Of bad fashion.
Yakko: Aaah, ok. Dawning Third Age of Mankind, the year the Great War came upon us all.
(Beavis and Butthead pop up on screen)
Beavis: Heh-heh. Gwar rocks.
Butthead: Huh-huh. Gwar kicks a–
Yakko: War! War, you freaks! War!
Butthead: War is like, huh-huh, killing things and stuff. That’s cool.
Yakko: There’s an airlock over there, get inside and press the button marked “air cycle.”
(Beavis and Butthead walk off-screen. Sound of a door whooshing shut. Great wind sound, lots of screaming, saying “this sucks!”)
Yakko: Yes, sudden decompression does suck. As I was saying, the Great War came upon us all. This is the story of the last of the Babbling On stations. The year is really far in the future. The name of the place is Babbling On 5-0.
(The intro continues with the shot of the 5 outline zooming backwards with different scenes shown in it. The problem is that all of the scenes are from Buck Rogers.)
Text blurb on screen: We the Management apologize for the inconvenience. The people responsible for the film editing have just been sacked.
(The intro continues, this time as a countdown from 5 to 1 and then in very big letters proclaims “5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Contact!”.)
Levar Burton: (disgustingly cheery voice): Hi! I’m visiting from Reading Painbow so we can all learn how the special effects are done on my show Star Drek!
Text blurb on screen: We the Management again apologize for this inconvenience. The people responsible for sacking the film editors have themselves just been sacked.
(The intro continues, appearing to be normal this time at first. Note: in letterboxed format, just like the show)
Close-ups on following actors, their names appearing beneath them. Beneath the names subtitles appear with Swedish letters (the weird lines and stuff through the vowels)
(Delenn nodding her head, smiling slightly) Dingalenn
Come to Sweden!
(Lennier holding Triluminary with flame, looking solemn) Lenny
Come enjoy our phone systems, public restrooms…
(G’kar looking surprised.) G’karp
the majestik moose.
(Na’toth smiling a patronizing smile) Natooth Fairy
Did you know my sister got bitten by a moose?
(Vir sticking his head out as if trying to hear better) Vir Cottage Cheese
Moose bites can be quite painful!
(Londo laughing heartily in a disturbing manner) Londo Calrissian
I should know! Mooses bite me all the time.
Text blurb on screen: The people responsible for sacking the people responsible for sacking the editors have just been sacked. We have totally redone the introduction sequence at great expense, hiring only the finest pedigree hunting dog with which to do so.
(Background is formal lecture hall. Newt shows up on screen, arranges papers, gets ready to read.)
Newt: (to himself) Harumph, cuuuuuuuuzzk! Throat clear, mind clear, focus on the reading.
(Opens mouth to read, it then drops to the floor as Minerva saunters by, goes off-screen. He whistles wolfishly, barks several times, gets ready to run after her, pausing in the position with arms raised on one foot that most toons pose in as they ready to run off after fast land birds when he is stampeded by a mad mob of other male toons.)
Text blurb on screen: The Management hereby gives up.
Scene 2
(External, tugs are seen moving a battered ship into the station’s zero-g docking bay. The ship is nestled into a bay, armed security guards are seen ringing it, looking very worried, since this seems much like the beginning of many a sci-fi/horror movie. Workers in environmental suits use torches to cut through the jammed airlock of the ship. Viewpoint moves to inside of the ship as the torches cut a rough opening. The workers step in carefully, walking over to stasis cocoons sitting over in the corner. They wipe the frost from the glass near where the head should be. They see Wakko lying there, looking death-like. He then pushes his face up to the glass and makes a googie-face. The worker screams madly and runs off as all three cocoons pop open and the Warners leap to the floor.)
Yakko: What’s the matter with him? He’s acting like he just saw a bunch of kids jump out of hibernation cocoons.
Dot: That was sad, Yakko.
(Yakko shrugs)
(Wakko poking around behind the cocoons)
Wakko: Ah’m hungry!
(Finds Alien egg. The trifold top opens, begins to smoke. He promptly grabs it, tosses it into the air and eats it. Burps.)
Wakko: Ow, acid heartburn.
Yakko: C’mon, sibs! Let’s explore this neat place we’ve found!
(They exit the ship. Outside the frightened security people point their PPGs at the Warners. Dot, in Hippie garb, races by the barrels sticking flowers in them.)
Garibaldi: Lou, we need backup, now! (Points snub-nose PPG at the three.)
Yakko: (dignified supreme alien ambassador tone) Stay your hand, Earthling. We come in peace. We are the Warner Brothers, Yakko and Wakko.
Dot: I am the Warner Sister, Princess Angelina Francisca Contesca Banana nana fo Fanna Fresca Leia III, but you may call me Princess Angelina Francisca Contesca Banana nana fo Fanna Fresca Leia III.
Garibaldi: (taken aback) Okaaaaay… (tries to seize the initiative) I haven’t seen anything like you before. Are you from the Non-Aligned Worlds? What exactly is your alignment?
Wakko: Alignment? Chaotic Evil, I think.
Yakko: (aside to Wakko) No, Wakko. He means “what planet are we from?”, and more specifically “what other races do you have military alliances with, and would shooting you in a mindless display of human aggression cause a war with them?”
Wakko: Oh.
Yakko: We are from the Warner Studio. We have journeyed long and far to arrive at this place, where it is we aren’t exactly sure.
Garibaldi: You guys are new ambassadors, I guess. Great. Ok, look, I’ll set up an interview with Captain Sheridan so you… whatever you are, can go about setting up a diplomatic mission here or whatever.
Yakko: Thank you, authority figure. Come, siblings. We shall meet this Sheridan.
Garibaldi: (muttered to self) Now I remember why I didn’t join the Diplomatic Corps.
Scene 3
(Sheridan talking in background, camera pans around the room catching the different ambassadors (all of them are present) as the good Captain explains what is going on.)
Sheridan: (smiling overly much as usual) Over 50 years ago the Earth Force ship Santa Maria was lost in a jump drive failure. It was one of the first of the Columbus-class deep space exploration vessels, the predecessor of the modern Explorer-class. Jump drive failures for us were quite common then and we had believed it to be destroyed. Imagine our sunrise when a Starfury patrol found it derelict several parsecs from here. Earth Force salvage teams brought the ship back here to Babylon 5 so that we could determine what happened to the ship. When the salvage team cut through into the ship’s damaged airlock they must have tripped the thaw mechanism on the emergency hibernation cocoons. Inside these cocoons were three aliens of an unknown species. They call themselves the Warners and they say they’re from Warnerstudio. As with most aliens we meet, they’re perfectly capable of speaking human languages, specifically English. We don’t know how they got their hands on the ship and we don’t know when it got where it did without our detecting it before now.
Londo: (Interrupts) May I interject? (Continues, not waiting for answer.) I find it fascinating that after your last experience with a derelict ship, one which happened to carry some sort of violent shadow monster, that you brought another mysterious ship aboard. Once bitten twice stupid, yes? Now that they are here, what do you propose to do with them?
Sheridan: (smiling through clenched teeth) As I was about to say, Ambassador, they’re of an unknown race with unknown technology, political structure, etc. To be safe I propose that we treat them as ambassadors from Warnerstudio. Hopefully we can open a meaningful diplomatic relation with them and avoid any of the little accidents that usually accompany First Contact situations.
Delenn: I would call the killing of our Leader a bit more than an “accident”, Captain.
Sheridan: Oh, our bad. How stupid of us not to think that a huge alien ship in a First Contact situation would power up it’s weapons and open it’s gun ports in a sign of friendship, not imminent hostility.
Delenn: Flatskull!
Sheridan: Bonehead!
Londo: (takes large swig from his ever present drink, clears his throat) Children! The petty insults and arguments are comic relief reserved exclusively for myself and G’Kar. Now I believe we were discussing the opening of a diplomatic mission with these Warners?
Sheridan: Ah, yes. I have invited the Warners to this joint meeting of the Council so that they might see if they wish to join. They should be arriving at any minute. Ah, here they are now.
(Door slides open and two security guards enter, flanking either side of the door. Following them come the Warners. Yakko is dressed like a late 19th century British dignitary, with monocle, top hat and cultured accent. Dot is done up in a Princess Leia outfit. Wakko is wearing a suit top and a somewhat silly noble expression, like a foppish pianist about to perform in front of thousands.)
Sheridan: (beaming broadly) On behalf of the Earth Alliance government and the Babylon 5 Council I welcome you to Babylon 5. Your presence here is a great honor.
Yakko: (dignified voice) I’m sure. (does a “great idea” take, enthusiastic voice) Hey, can we stop by Quark’s Place once we’re done?
Sheridan: (confused) Ah, quark? As in subatomic particle?
Yakko: Nooo. Quark, as in the shady Ferengi bartender. I wanna go hang out with the Dabbo girls. (gets close to Sheridan, elbows him in the side and whispers conspiratorially) you know, helloooo Dabbo?
Sheridan: I don’t believe we have anybody by the name of Quark here. However, if you wish you can later visit the casino.
Yakko: You mean there are no Dabbo girls?
Sheridan: Not that I’m aware of.
Wakko: Wha’ kind of station is this, noooh Dabbo girls?
Dot: (disgusted) boys…
Sheridan: (nervously) Heh-heh, let me introduce you to the Ambassadors currently onboard Babylon 5. (points to G’kar.) Ambassador G’kar of the Naarn Federation.
Yakko: Wow, it’s a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle!
Sheridan: (ignoring Yakko) Ambassador Londo Molari of the Centauri Republic.
Dot: Moe-Larry? What did you do with Curly, eat him?
Yakko: Say, nice hairdo. Who’d you get to do it, Acme Lawn Care?
Londo: (slamming down his drink in outrage) Do you know who I am?
Yakko: No, do you know who I am?
Londo: No.
Yakko: Then we’re even!
Dot: (whispers to Yakko) Psst. He’s the Centauri ambassador, remember?
Wakko: Are you using that? (points to drink)
Londo: No!
Wakko: Oh, goody! (tosses drink into the air, lands in his mouth. Chews it happily and swallows. Starts to choke, spits out olive.) What are you trying to do, choke me to death?
Sheridan: (very nervous) Anyway, this is Ambassador Delenn from the Minbari Alliance.
Yakko and Wakko: Hellooooo, Minbari Nurse! (both leap into her arms) Could we go missing for 24 hours with you?
Delenn: (barely concealing her panic, improvises) Sorry, 24 hour abductions are only for those with Minbari souls.
Yakko: I’ve got Minbari soul. (Leaps down to the floor, pulls on a suit jacket, glasses and fedora, has prominent Minbari skull ridges on head. To the tune of the Blues Brothers’ “Soul Man”) “I’m a Bonehead! Bonehead!”
Sheridan: (quickly) And lastly is Ambassador Kosh, from the Vorlons.
Kosh: bvvvvvvseeeeeeeeeeeeefffvaddfleeeeeeelleoodooooooooooooosssssssss ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss- Fish, like rain, swim through the river of sky.
Dot: Wow, he’s into free-association poetry! Cool! (grabs Kosh, whisks him over to her Poetry Corner stage.) I’ll go first! rusty angels, shattered silence, fleas of marble rolling like stones, always!!!! Your turn!
Kosh: vvvvvvvvvvsssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhsssssssssssssssss sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss sssssss- What?
Dot: Wow, such stark usage of a single interrogative word. Let’s see… I know! Boiled vestibules, Coiled test tube jewels, Soiled pack mules, This line doesn’t rhyme.
Kosh: (pincer arm reaches out, adjusts something on the collar of the encounter suit.)
Hssssssssssssssssssssssssss- Ah, the translator is working much better now. Everything anybody has ever said to me has come through as gibberish until you started talking. I had the syntax and verbal imagery buffers set incorrectly. I can only imagine what I sounded like to everyone else. (Drifts off the poetry stage and out of the Council room.)
Sheridan: (very nervously) How about a guided tour of the station? I’ll have my second, Commander Ivanova, escort you. Ta-ta! (Turns and runs screaming off screen.)
(Ivanova enters)
Yakko and Wakko: Hellooo-
Ivanova: STOW IT! I’m Commander Susan Ivanova, but you may refer to me as Lord High Almighty. We have a little saying here, called the Babylon 5 Mantra. “Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. Ivanova is God.” Got it?
Yakko: Yes, I fall in worship at your feet. (Enthusiastically starts to kiss her feet.)
Ivanova: (Starts hopping on one leg to shake Yakko off) Forget the God part! First stop on the tour, Medlab.
Scene 4
(Dr. Franklin working with some chemicals, door opens and Ivanova and Warners walk in.)
Ivanova: Warners, this is Dr. Franklin, medical chief for Babylon 5. Dr. Franklin, these are the new ambassadors from Warnerstudio.
Yakko: I thought the doctor was some old guy.
Franklin: Aah… what?
Wakko: I thought you had orange hair.
Dot: I thought you were a cranky old lady.
Yakko: No, you’re thinking of Slappy.
Dot: Oh… then weren’t you this really sissy guy with a bad accent?
(Wakko, behind Franklin, swings a heavy mallet at Franklin’s head, coldcocking him.)
Wakko: He’s not a hologram.
Yakko: Oh yeah, I know who I was thinking of! (turns and camera slides over to show Dr. McCoy) Bones! Help! That man!
McCoy: Damnit, Yakko! I’m a doctor, not a… uh, never mind.
Ivanova: Well, that was enough fun for this part of the trip. Next stop, the business section.
Scene 5
(Open area in business section. A tall man in a brown trench coat with a strange scarf and very curly hair is seen getting into an old British telephone booth and it disappears. Our guide and her charges come walking towards the camera.)
Ivanova: This is the office area where various civilian companies and entrepreneurs set up their offices. Ah, and here’s our resident telepath, Talia Winters.
Yakko: (leaping into her arms, as usual.) You’re blonde and gorgeous, I’m male. Marry me!
(Talia glares disgustedly at Yakko, starts to peel him off her arm)
Ivanova: (devious look on her face) The Warners were telling me how much they admire telepaths and they were wondering if you could mind rape –er, I mean scan them.
Talia: Sure, I guess I could try that. (concentrates, puzzled look.) Hmm, that’s odd. I can’t scan them.
Ivanova: Why not?
Talia: Well, telepaths are sensitive to the kappa and pi waves that are a by-product of the thought processes in the brain.
Ivanova: And they’re absent, which means…
Talia: No brain, no waves.
Wakko: Hey, I resemble that remark!
Ivanova: I’m going to leave for a while and contemplate why the Universe is choosing to punish me in this fashion.
Talia: I think I’ll join you.
(Both women leave. The Warners look puzzled, then Morden walks up, smiling his ineffable little smile.)
Morden: Hello, my name is Morden.
Yakko: More than what?
Morden: No, just Morden.
Dot: Come on, if it isn’t more than anything then it’s more than nothing.
Morden: My name is Morden.
Yakko: (icily sweet voice) Alright, what is your name more than?
Morden: Oh, never mind. What do you want?
Wakko: I want a mallet and a shiny new anvil!
Morden: No, what do you want?
Wakko: I just said so.
Morden: No, isn’t there something incredibly dark and evil that you want? Some twisted desire that would, if granted, leave you indebted to me?
Yakko: Well, there is that little fantasy about Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford and a really big can of whipped cream…
Morden: Isn’t there some sort of alien group you want to xenocide, absolute power which you wish to gain?
Dot: I’ve always wanted to be able to eat Reeses Cups from the inside out. Is that an absolute power?
Yakko: I think more to the point is what do you want?
Morden: (starting to whine) I just want to know what you want.
Yakko: And I want to know what you want, so we’ve got a real problem here. Tell you what, you stay here and think about it and I promise I’ll think about it as well.
(Morden starts to gibber, the Warners skip off. Camera cuts to external view of the station spinning quietly in the night, a small space pod is seen near one of the docking bays and a voice is heard saying “This isn’t funny, HAL! Open the pod bay doors!”)
Scene 6
(Elric the techno-mage is seen standing looking very ominous. Mindy walks up to him.)
Mindy: Hello, Mr. Man. Whatcha doin’?
Elric: I’m looking ominous and omnipotent.
Mindy: Why?
Elric: Because I’m a techno-mage, I’m suppose to look like I have all the answers.
Mindy: Why?
Elric: Because we have to look like we know all the answers.
Mindy: Why?
Elric: Because if we didn’t put on this air of smug superiority then people would recognize us for what we are, unemployed parlor tricksters.
Mindy: Ok, love you, bye-bye!
(Buttons leaps into the scene, landing on the techno-mage. Buttons hears a moan, looks down and sees who he’s on top of and leaps off. Elric stands and blasts a beam at Buttons. Buttons is now wearing a green sash with a medal on it. He’s standing in the middle of a room filled with Purple Drazi. He whimpers, the scene cuts away amid the sounds of violent fighting.)
(The Warners are in Downbelow. They stumble upon Deuce)
Deuce: Stop right there. You three are going to give me what I want. (He opens the box with the feeder and it starts towards them.)
Dot: Wow, that’s really neat! Want to see my monster? (Pulls out her box and opens it. Out pops a huge cacodemon which in one gulp eats the feeder.) I’m sorry, I didn’t know he was hungry.
(Deuce runs off. Kosh then glides into the room. His encounter suit starts to smoke and crackle, it falls over. The top pops off and two mice climb out.)
Pinky: Narf… I didn’t mean to touch that button. Honest, Brain!
Brain: I know, Pinky. You never do. Come, we must prepare for tomorrow night.
Pinky: What are we going to do tomorrow night? Wait, I know! We’re going to stay up all night and try to eat soup with chopsticks, right? Zot!
Brain: Pinky, you make my brain hurt.
Scene 7
(External shot, the DS9 wormhole opens and out pops the USS Baleen Whale.)
Janeway: Greetings, I am Captain Janeway of the USS Voyager. We represent the United Federation of Planets.
Sheridan: What’s a Janeway?
Ivanova: I don’t know, she looks about 150 lbs.
Sheridan: I’m Captain Sheridan of Babylon 5, Earth Force. Where exactly are you hailing from and what is your mission?
Janeway: The USS Voyager’s mission is to seek out new life and civilizations, to boldly go where no woman has gone before. However, we ran into a little trouble and we’re trying to get back to Earth.
Sheridan: Earth? I don’t think we’ve ever launched anything even remotely like your ship.
Janeway: You’re from Earth? Oh-oh. Q! Get in here, now!
(Q flashes into existence on the Voyager bridge.)
Q: You called, mon tasty captain?
Janeway: I thought you agreed to take us back to Federation space. This doesn’t seem bloody well like it.
Q: Oh, rest assured it is.
Janeway: Then where’s the Federation, mister?!
Q: Well, you specified the universe location you wanted but you were somewhat vague on the universe you wanted the location in. So I guessed.
Janeway: Guessed?
Q: (shrugs) How was I suppose to know you didn’t want to come here?
(Neelix comes into view on the screen)
Neelix: You Federation people are so gullible. The third rule of space survival is to steer away from childish omnipotent aliens. Of course, you’ve ignored the first rule, “fly around nebulas, not through them” and the second, “always listen to the native that knows this portion of the galaxy” so I don’t know why I’m suprised you ignored the third.
Janeway: Neelix, shut up.
(Shadow ship comes out of a jump point near the Baleen Whale, fires.)
Tuvok: Alien ship appearing. . .
Janeway: Red Alert!
(Shadow fires)
Tuvok: Alien ship has fired, sir. Their shot hit our shields before the battle shields had been raised. Navigational shields down .000001%. (Stifles a snicker.)
Janeway: That’s it! To Hell with the Prime Directive, fire!
Tuvok: Aye aye, captain.
(Torpedoes race out, hit the Shadow and blow it up. The crew now turns on Q with drawn phasers.)
Janeway: You’re now going to take us back to Federation space or we’re going to see if the omnipotent and annoying can die.
Q: (frowns) Picard would never resort to mindless violence.
Janeway: Picard never had PMS. (Fires)
(Q flashes to the side, Janeway disintegrates an unwary crewmember.)
Q: You shouldn’t have done that. Now I have to retaliate in a most vicious manner.
(Q flashes away, at the same time the Warners flash onto the bridge.)
Yakko: Hello, Lumpy-headed Nurse! (leaps into Engineer’s arms.)
Wakko: Hello, Ompaloompa! (Leaps into Kes’ arms.)
Dot: (looks the male crewmembers over.) To quote a certain chipmunk friend of mine, “Speeeeeeeeew!”
(External: the Baleen Whale is seen lurching into the distance, swerving from left to right. As the scene fades out voices can be heard.)
Yakko: Wow, this is even better than the video game!
Wakko: Fabu!
Dot: Can the replicator handle Mel Gibson?
Yakko: What does shutting down the magnetic shielding of the matter/anti-matter reactor do?
(KA-BOOOOOOOM!)
Ivanova: I knew it. Sooner or later there’s always a ka-boom.
THE END