Life Lessons from Melrose Place!
December 23rd, 2001
- If your “significant other” leaves town for more than a week,
sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can’t be expected to wait
around forever. - Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should
do both, often. - A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build
a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large
glasses of straight vodka. - Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the
face, really hard. - Pretend you’re pregnant.
- Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
- If marriage isn’t working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn’t
convenient, fake your own death. - Don’t walk too fast when feigning blindness.
- Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty
should be an integral part of any relationship. - When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be
sure to shut the door tightly on your way out. - Don’t date drug dealers…unless they’re really good-looking…
or have a lot of money…or unless you can gain something from it
in some way…or…oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers. - Don’t get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up
and try to choke you. - If you get fired, get drunk.
- Call your ex-wife “Baby.”
- If you’ve got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off
your shirt and do it by the pool. - Randomly insult the people around you.
- Parents will be parents. Sometimes they’ll nag. Sometimes
they’ll be judgmental. Sometimes they’ll commit you to a
miserable insane asylum where you’ll be bound in a
straightjacket and heavily sedated. - If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you’ll get an even
better job at twice the salary. - A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom
liked you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a
bunch of times. - Just because you’re in the midst of ruining someone’s career doesn’t
mean that you can’t carpool to work with them.