Programming Languages are like Women
Programming Languages are like Women
There are so many programming languages available that it can be very
difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one
for you. On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to
them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming
languages that describes what kind of women they would be if
programming languages were women.
Assembler
- A female track star who holds all the world speed
records.
She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can
cook up any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is
not beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables like “MOV,
JUMP, INC”. She has a fierce and violent temper that make her the
choice of last resort.
FORTRAN
- Your grey-haired grandmother.
People make fun of her just because she is old, but if you take the
time to listen, you can learn from her experiences and her
mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired many useful skills in
sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) that no younger women can
match, so be thankful she is still around. She has a notoriously bad
temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was
mostly her bad temper that made grandad search for another wife.
COBOL
- A plump secretary.
She talks far too much, and most of what she says can be ignored. She
works hard and long hours, but can’t handle really complicated
jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes
working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows
bland recipes.
BASIC
- The horny divorcee that lives next door.
Her specialty is seducing young boys and it seems she is always
readily available for them. She teaches them many amazing things, or
at least they seem amazing because it is their first experience. She
is not that young herself, but because she was their first lover the
boys always remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are
mediocre, but largely irrelevant, its the frolicking that the boys
like.
The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some
fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But
generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly
influenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like
Miss Pascal.
PL/I
- A bordello madam.
She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high heels. At one time
she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems overweight and
tacky. Tastes change.
C
- A lady executive.
An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative. Is a good cook if
you like spicy food. Unless you double check everything you say
(through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is
still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will
grow up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more
sophisticated character.
ALGOL 60
- Your fathers wartime sweetheart, petite, well
proportioned, and sweet tempered.
She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad still talks
about her shapely form and their steamy romance. He never actually
tasted much of her cooking, but they did exchange simple recipes by
mail.
Pascal
- A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60’s younger sister.
Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a
good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot
(module).
Modula II
- A high-school teacher and Pascal’s daughter.
Very much like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than
one pot.
ALGOL 68
- Algol 60’s niece.
A high-society woman, well educated and terse. Few men can fully
understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still discuss her
mysterious personality. She is very choosy about her romances and
won’t take just any man as her lover. She hasn’t been seen lately, and
rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower.
LISP
- She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with
her hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH.
Many men (mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse,
enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that
take place there. Others criticize the long cooking times, and the
abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these women
seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise
them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency.
APL
- A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food.
She can cook delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens
of people at each table. She doesn’t talk much, as that would just
slow her work down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they
are in a foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing.
LOGO
- A grade-school art teacher.
She is just the kind of teacher that you wish you had when you were
young. She is shapely and patient, but not an interesting
conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not
full-course meals.
LUCID & PROLOG
- These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking
skill.
They can cook up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely
from a description of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many
men are fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage. Others
complain that the girls work very slowly, and that often the
description of the meal must be just as long as a recipe would be. It
is hard to predict what these girls will be like when they are fully
mature.
Ada
- A WAC colonel built like an amazon.
She is always setting strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps
her temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army regulations,
and using obscure military talk. You gotta love her though, because
the army says so.