Breaking News from Seasame Street
AP Online
AP 10/01 2:55 EDT V055
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) — Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Seseme Street,
has apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead;
including Prarie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert — long time friend,
room-mate, and occasional lover of Ernie. The bird is now reportedly holding
Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near Hooper’s Store. New York City
Police SWAT teams have surrounded the building.
AP Online
AP 10/01 4:26 EDT V743
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) — Big Bird, Seseme Street muppet, is reported dead at
this hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with New York City
Police. Kermit-The-Frog, Seseme Street Muppet on the scene, reports that
as police stormed the five story tenament building where the bird was holding
Maria hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at them in a Kamikaze-like
attack. Police SWAT units brought down the bird in a hail of automatic
weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, Bert, and Big Bird.
There is no information available concerning Maria.
AP Online
AP 10/01 8:47 EDT V246
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) — The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet chemists,
have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird’s feed. Big Bird was killed
by Police early this morning after the bird went on a killing spree on
Seseme Street. Maria, taken hostage during the ordeal, has survived unharmed.
Three muppets were killed by the bird: Prairie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed
muppet girl-child), Oscar the Grouch (a green garbage-can dwelling grumpy
muppet) and Bert (the famous gay paper clip collector and pigeon friend).
Authorities in the area report that the bad seed was purchased at the local
Hooper’s.
AP Online
AP 10/01 11:15 EDT V543
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) — Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay
away from Seseme Street today as tensions are running high among the muppets.
Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at how the
police handled the hostage situation. According to bystanders on the scene
at the time, Mr. Snuffalupagus pleaded with police to be allowed to talk
Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed the building with deadly results.
Ernie is said to be despondent at the loss of his good buddy Bert.
AP Online
AP 10/01 17:25 EDT V927
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) — Violence erupted again on Seseme Street at five o’clock
this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a sightseeing
tour of the scene of Big Bird’s deadly rampage, muppets became enraged.
Hundreds of muppets, large and small, stalked the streets and surrounded
humans in their cars. In at least one case, ten muppets pulled a motorist
from his car and beat him with large, styrofome numbers. Police again arrived
on the scene in force. At this hour, quiet is restored — but tensions
are very high.
AP Online
AP 10/02 0:47 EDT V211
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) — Police and fire units have been called to Seseme Street.
Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry muppets
ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height are looting Hooper’s
Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood. Orange and blue firelight
is rising over many buildings. Cardboard backdrops, props, and storehouses
full of numbers and letters are burning to the ground. Muppets are taunting
firemen and police from windows high above the street with counting and
alphabet songs.
AP Online
AP 10/02 9:24 EDT V482
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) — Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Seseme
Street after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On the
street, lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testiment of the night of wild
outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to death by
Police in full riot gear. Here and there, a muppet–still animated with
life–can be seen staring at the wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the
rubble. The Count was reported running down the street crying and yelling,
"Ten, Ten Lifeless Muppet Bodies!" No humans were killed in the
rioting, although several people reported rug-burns.
AP Online
AP 10/03 15:35 EDT V335
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) — Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered muppet
Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass muppet
funeral. The following is the complete transcript of his address: I come
here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by millions thoughout
the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His paper-clip collection was
viewed with awe by many of the world’s leaders. Just one year ago, as President
Clinton campaigned on Sesame Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who
everone turned to for advice. It was Bert who told us all, "anyone
who can hang as many paperclips together as Bill Clinton, can certainly
run the country." I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was
such a loving creature. His large size and bright color alarmed many who
first met him, but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught
us all to love him. Bird wouldn’t have wanted us to remember him, or to
memorialize him, with violence. All he ever wanted was for all creatures
to "just get along" with each other. Big Bird has come to a bad
end, friends, but is wasn’t his fault. It was just some bad seed.