More Court Quotes
The following are actual statements made during
court cases:
Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice
not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself…
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I
stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who
stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the
chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.
Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the
chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for
the prosecution.
Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should
be drowned at
birth too.
Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand…
Plaintiff’s Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the
injuries
you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff’s Lawyer: And what kind of physician is
Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I’m not sure, but I remember that
you said he was a
good one.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a
juror in this
case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn’t see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house,
and as the men swung
around and changed partners, they would slap each
other, and one
fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so
the other one hit
back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else
drew a six-shooter and
another guy came up with a rifle that had been
hidden under a bed, and the
air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the
fracas and the navel.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another
lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t
interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any
comments on the
defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t
listening.
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the “Colonel” stand for?
Defendant: Well, it’s kinda like the “Honorable”
in front of your
name. Not a damn thing.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness.
Have you anything
to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in
jail): Can I address
the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a s.o.b, what would you
do?
Judge: I’d hold you in contempt and assess an
additional five days in
jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a s.o.b.?
Judge: I can’t do anything about that. There’s no
law against
thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you’re a s.o.b..