Politically Correct Santa
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer answer to “elves”
Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul
Four Reindeer had vanished, without much propriety
Released to the wild by the Humane Society
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use JUST reindeer
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with four pigs and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had to be removed from his sleigh
The ruts were termed dangerous by the EPA
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof tops.
Second hand smoke from his pipe had workers frightened
His fur trimmed red suit was called “unenlightened”
And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows
Rudolph was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
He had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation
Demanding millions in overdue compensation
So half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife
who suddenly decided she’d had enough of this life
Joined a self help group packed and left in a whiz
Demanding from now on her title be “Ms.”
And as for the gifts, why, he ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause such a commotion
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur
which meant nothing for him, and nothing for her
Nothing that might be constituted to pollute
Nothing to aim, nothing to shoot
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise
Nothing for just girls or just for the boys
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific
Nothing that’s war-like or non-pacific
No candy or sweets- they were bad for the tooth
Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological
No baseball, no football- someone could get hurt
Besides playing sports exposed kids to dirt
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away
So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
He just couldn’t figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today
His sack quite empty, limp to the ground
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right
A gift that would satisfy with no indecision
Each group of people, every religion
Every ethnicity, every hue
Everyone, everywhere—–even you
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth-
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth”
Merry Christmas All!