Virtual Illusions

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room-temperature.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

You can’t have everything…where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Yes, but not in a row.”

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, “Do I know you?”

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “Cut it out.”

On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long.”

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it, moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly, and says, “Here, you can go.”

The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”

I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information. “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said, “They’re behind the couch.”

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child . . . eventually.

Well, you know when you’re rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That’s how I feel all the time.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

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