Truisms
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.
Two rules for life: (1) Don’t tell people everything
you know. (2) They say if you build a better
mousetrap, the world will beat down your door. But
usually it’s just one neighbor, and he’ll probably
quit once you stop throwing dead mice in his yard.
I went to a strip mall the other day. Let me tell
you, I was disappointed. Everybody else had on clothes.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
I’m in love with a girl who doesn’t even know I’m
alive. She thinks she got me with her long-range
rifle, but she missed.
Just because it’s toxic doesn’t mean it’s not tasty.
Never let your willpower get the best of you.
I thought learning to play the bagpipes was hard
until I realized I was just strangling an ostrich.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Don’t sweat petty things… or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can’t buy love. Get a new car for your spouse–it’ll be a great
trade!
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you!
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!