Bush Rests Comfortably After Surgery to Implant Pacemaker in Brain
Posted on Friday, July 13 @ 09:34:24 EDT By Tom McNichol, Salon

WASHINGTON — In the second White House health scare in little more than
a
week, doctors Wednesday night implanted a sophisticated pacemaker in
President Bush’s brain. The device, known as an implantable cranial
defibrillator, or ICD, continuously monitors and records the president’s
brain waves. When Mr. Bush’s brain activity becomes dangerously slow for
a
chief executive, the device delivers a mild electric shock, jolting the
president back to a relatively active mental state.

“I feel good,” the president told reporters several hours after the
operation. Bush then twitched noticeably. “I mean, I feel well,” he
said.

Doctors say the implant is performing flawlessly, although they’re
trying
to limit the number of shocks Bush receives to fewer than 100 a day. The
surgery came barely a week after Vice President Dick Cheney was fitted
with a
device to regulate his irregular heartbeat.

The White House portrayed last night’s medical procedure as an
“insurance
policy” against further problems for the president. At a news conference
at
George Washington University Hospital, where the operation was
performed,
doctors downplayed the seriousness of Bush’s condition. The periodic
electric jolts from the implant, physicians say, will have minimal
effect
on
the
president.

“His hair is not going to stand on end,” said chief surgeon Dr. Alan J.
Thayer. “Well, maybe a little.”

The president, looking tired but fit after his operation, said that the
device will help him function better as a world leader.

“The American people need to know that their president is equipped to
handle a trouble spot like Slovenia,” Mr. Bush said. “Serbia, I mean
Serbia,”
he
added, his head jerking violently.

Bush has an extensive medical history of moderately impaired thinking
and
reasoning, dating back to the 1970s. Doctors have long noted that the
president’s thoughts easily become confused, and that his public
pronouncements often deteriorate into a tangle of mispronunciations,
faulty
logic and bad grammar. Although Bush’s condition wasn’t serious enough
to
prevent him from running for president, or from winning the state of
Florida, doctors say his condition has deteriorated significantly in
recent
months.

The president’s brain wave activity dipped dangerously low during his
recent trip to Europe, and stopped altogether at one point during a
meeting
with
Russian president Vladimir Putin. The Russian leader was unaware of any
change in Mr. Bush’s condition, officials say.

Yesterday, the president’s doctors subjected him to a battery of mental
tests to assess his risk of developing a potentially fatal “zero brain
wave”
pattern. Once the risk was confirmed, surgeons decided to implant the
electronic device, which acts both as a pacemaker and a defibrillator.
The
pacemaker component is programmed to speed up the president’s thinking
when
it becomes abnormally slow. The defibrillator can shock his brain back
to
a
normal state if Bush’s thoughts become “too fast,” although doctors say
that the chances of that happening are remote.

The device that doctors sutured to the base of the president’s
cerebellum
is known as a Medtronic Gem IV DR model. (There were some problems with
an
earlier model, which had to be recalled by the manufacturer.) Such
devices,
once the stuff of science fiction, have become an increasingly common
tool
in modern neurology. Hundreds of prominent Americans have been fitted
with
so-called mental pacemakers in recent years, including actor Adam
Sandler,
TV personality Mary Hart, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, singer
Britney
Spears, Rep. Gary Condit, D-Calif., former vice president Dan Quayle,
and
the entire board of directors of the now-defunct Pets.com. Some of those
who
wear a mental pacemaker expressed hope that the president’s condition
would
raise public awareness about their circumstance.

“This may turn out to be a blessing in the skies for all of us,” said
talk
show host Maury Povich, who was fitted with one of the first Medtronic
devices four years ago. Mr. Povich trembled violently from head to toe
before adding, “I mean disguise, disguise, for God’s sake, turn it off.”

Bush has been advised to avoid deep thoughts for a few days to give the
device a chance to settle in place. Doctors say the president so far has
cooperated fully with the recommendation. Bush has also been told to
alternate holding his cell phone against his right and left ear so the
implant receives equal doses of radiation from each side. And the
president
will have to run at full speed whenever passing through White House
metal
detectors.

Several congressional leaders privately expressed concern about the
president’s medical procedure, coming barely a week after Cheney was
fitted
with a device to regulate his irregular heartbeat.

But Bush dismissed the worries, stating that the Bush-Cheney team is
“more
fit than ever” to lead the country.

“You’ll find no healthier duo than Dick Cheney and I,” Bush said. The
president hesitated, as if waiting for a signal, and when none came,
broke
into a toothy grin.