Andy Rooney Blurbs
Cripes: My wife’s from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes’. ‘For Cripe’s sake.’ Who
would that be, Jesus Cripe’s? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of
‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in
‘Heck’?
Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements
in with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough,
they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at
them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee
grinds, banana peels…I write, “Could you throw this away for
me? Thank You.”
Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what
that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff)
‘Married’ (walk off). That’s how they mark their territory. You
can take off the ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh
scent out of your clothes.
Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning.
The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just
wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, ‘How can he
want me the way I look in the morning?’ It’s because we can’t see
you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year
to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece
I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I
already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give
free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run
twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And
if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s
hooked up to the generator.
Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and
vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like
18% that say “I don’t know”. It costs 90 cents to call up and
vote…They’re voting “I don’t know.” “Honey, I feel very
strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON’T
KNOW!” (Hangs up looking proud.) “Sometimes you have to stand up
for what you believe you’re not sure about.” This guy probably
calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say “I’m not in the mood.”
Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive
messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi, it’s a great day
and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The
thought for the day is ‘Share the love.’ Beep.” “Uh, yeah…this
is the VD clinic calling….Speaking of being positive, your test
is back. Stop sharing the love.”