Virtual Illusions

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t
get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to
fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make
you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.” Without
trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,
“Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her
response… click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked
what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He
replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a
very thin state.”

I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England
from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said, “But they look so close on
the map.”

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour
lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car,
he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to
drive between the gates to save time.”

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible
that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago
at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of
llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to
who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I
checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that
said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After
putting her on hold for a minute while “I looked into it,” ( I
was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city
code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know
which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to
which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none
of these darn planes have numbers on them.”

A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of
those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola
on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

A business man called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t,
I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of
those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China
four times and every time they have accepted my American
Express.”

A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago
to Hippopotamus, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent asked, “Are you sure that’s the name of the
town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry,
ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t
find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t
be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent
scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You
don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” She replied, “That’s it! I knew it
was a big animal!”

Corporate

“I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said ‘Stop! don’t do it!’

‘Why shouldn’t I?’ he said.

I said, ‘Well, there’s so much to live for!’

He said, ‘Like what?’

I said, ‘Well… are you religious or atheist?’

He said, ‘Religious.’

I said, ‘Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?’

He said, ‘Christian.’

I said, ‘Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?’

He said, ‘Protestant.’

I said, ‘Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?’

He said, ‘Baptist!’

I said, ‘Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist church of god or Baptist church of the lord?’

He said, ‘Baptist church of god!’

I said, ‘Me too! Are you original Baptist church of god, or are you reformed Baptist church of god?’

He said, ‘Reformed Baptist church of god!’

I said, ‘Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?’

He said, ‘Reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!’

I said, ‘Die, heretic scum,’ and pushed him off.”

– Emo Philips

Religion

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn’t say anything much about it.

The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn’t really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the hell that meant because you know he didn’t say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he’s seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:

Texas lost to Oklahoma. Got laid though.

Gender, Relationship

Background:

Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to
people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an
observant Orthodox Jew, she holds homosexuality is an abomination
according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any
circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by
a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of
debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of
the specific laws and how to follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem
is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A
friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.

Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don’t agree.

Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle
room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by
Lev.19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.

Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the
whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn’t we just
burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people
who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident
you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is
eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan

Religion

Start with a cage containing five monkeys,
inside the cage, hang a banana on a string
and place a set of stairs under it.
Before long, a monkey will start to climb towards the banana,
as soon as he touches the stairs,
spray all the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt
with the same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the
other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water, Remove one monkey
from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the
banana and wants to climb the stairs.
To his surprise and horror, all the other monkeys attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if
he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys
and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is
attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment
with enthusiasm!

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a
new one, then the fourth, then the fifth.
Everytime the newest monkey takes to the stairs,
he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no
idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are
participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of
the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for
the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know, that’s the way
its always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

Corporate

Customer: Hi, How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: On what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that’s too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there’s no difference; it’s all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I’d like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is $200 per gallon.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get $9 paint?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You’re kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don’t kid around here. Of course, I’ll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me?
You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn’t mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

Clerk: Yes sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to
happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don’t know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough

Clerk: Oh, no sir, you can’t do that. If you buy the paint and then don’t use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?!

Clerk: That’s right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall, and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the other bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all of the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there’s no point in getting upset; that’s just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all of the paint, and when you don’t, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is insane! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don’t keep painting until Sunday night?

Clerk: Yes sir, it will.

Customer: OK, I am going somewhere else to buy paint!

Clerk: That won’t do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. You might as well just buy it here, while the price is now $13.50.

Other

Late Christmas week I was rushing around trying to get some last minute
shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the
season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot
as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I
noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumblingunder my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I wassearching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing.

The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged
flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night’s chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four
sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was
poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to
support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents.

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall when a boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

“Why didn’t you scream for help?” I asked.

The boy said, “I did.”

“And nobody came to help you?” I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

“How loud did you scream?” I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, “Help me!”

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry
for help. So I grabbed his other hundred bill and ran to my car.

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!

Signed,
Kenneth Lay
Enron CEO

Holiday

Comprehending Engineers - Take One:
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To a pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two:
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike? ” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Comprehending Engineers - Take Three:
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!” The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. ” “Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they? The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

Comprehending Engineers - Take Four:
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Five:
Normal people … believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.”

Comprehending Engineers - Take Six:
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.” “Both?” Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven:
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, But a talking frog, that’s cool.”

Engineers

Via Bonheoffer

What is the greatest good any person can do to/for another person? What role does your motivation for doing it play in its “goodness?” Or is this a question without an answer?

Ultimately there are too many variables to really answer but there here is my useful rule of thumb.

My initial short answer was to be part of their community.

This means a greater connection than just happening to live next door. I’m talking about forming a person’s support group, exchanging memes, not taking crap, and demanding honesty. I.e. being someones friend in the deep meaningful sense of the word, not the convenience acquaintance meaning.

Being in a relationship (of any kind) that warrants trust from both parties.

While the motivation doesn’t innately matter it is questionable whether the thing can be done for ulterior motives. It may start for ulterior motives but it can’t attain that ‘greatest good’ without moving beyond them. How can trust be attained if one of parties is really acting on another concern?

–Zafkiel

Philosophy/Religion

Via MsVeeDub

Not that I’m a firefighter or cop, but if this means they get paid more , it’s not obvious that there’s any kind of hazard “bonus” in the salary accounting, judging from the handful of police departments I’ve looked up.

Form a fascinating article (which most people will disagree with) about the heroification (new word?) of the police (http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=12166).

First, if we define heroism by the extent to which one puts his life on the line in the course of his work — and apparently that’s the operative definition nowadays — then there is nothing all that heroic about policing. According to the Department of Labor, the on-the-job fatality rate for police is lower than that for gardeners, electricians, truck drivers, garbage collectors, construction workers, airline pilots, timber cutters, and commercial fisherman. In fact, fishermen have an occupational fatality rate that is fifteen times higher than that for cops, but rarely do we hear those who provide us with an endless supply of mahi-mahi described as heroes.

–Zafkiel

Philosophy/Religion, Politics, Quote