Virtual Illusions

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks during the winter, a Seattle man departed for Miami Beach where he was to meet his wife the next day, at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to some warm pleasant weather and to enjoying a break from the children.

Unfortunately there was a mix-up at the Departure Gate and the man was informed he would have to travel on a later flight. He tried to have the decision reversed but was told he had no alternative but to travel on the later flight.

On arrival, he found Miami Beach was having a heat wave and the weather was as uncomfortably hot, as Seattle’s was cold. The receptionist gave him a message that his wife would arrive later in the day.

He could hardly wait to get into the pool so he hurriedly sent his wife an e-mail message, but in his haste, he made an error in the address.

As a result, his message arrived at the home of an elderly widow, whose preacher husband had died the day before. The grieving widow opened her e-mail, took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and promptly had a heart attack.

When her family found her, the following mesage was still on the screen:

“Dearest Wife,

Departed yesterday, as you know.

Just now checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied.

Received confirmation of your arrival.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You will be surprised how hot it is down here.”

Religion

On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

On landing the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

“Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child pick your favorite.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children… or other adults acting like children.”

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault…it was the asphalt!”

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

Corporate

These are the 10 winners of this year’s Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one
writes only the first line of a bad novel. (Victorian author Edward
George Bulwer-Lytton is famous–or is it infamous–for writing the novel
that began “It was a dark and stormy night.”)

Via AngelMay

Ever heard of an Atheist or group of Atheists attacking, maiming, and killing people who don’t share their views?

Let me compress this thread so I don’t have to read it all.

Theist: Ha, what about Russia and China.

Atheist: They weren’t really killing each other over Atheism, it was over communism.

And things just go down hill from there. Until JamesBond gives us a detailed insightful post full of historical facts which I greatly enjoy reading.

Allow me to offer what I hope is a less biased assessment. People don’t kill people because they are atheists, theists, communists, or capitalists, they kill people because they are fanatics. They have lost perspective and think their personal ideology is the most important thing in the world and all other aspects of the world are secondary to it. Further they believe that any ideologies that compete with the chosen ideology are evil.

Evil is one of those things that can only really exist for the fanatic. The moderate has trouble elevating anything to evil. They can see differing opinions and can believe those holding the differing opinions are wrong, but are likely to hold that the person was misinformed or hasn’t considered the consequences. Only the fanatic holds the belief that those holding competing ideologies has as their single goal the destruction of society, economy, freedom, etc.

Many religions (certainly the Judeo-Christian variants) have at their core a reinforcement of the fanatic. They tell the story that this life is a temporary thing and only through properly following the tenets (whatever they may be) allows you to pass Go and collect $200. This automatically devalues all non-religious aspects of life and can easily lead to fanaticism. Any ideology that places itself as more important than all other aspect of the intellectual market place, and has a mechanism to reinforce that placement, will produce more than the normal number of fanatics.

Fanaticism occurs in other ideologies but since usually there is not mechanism to automatically devalue all the other aspects of life the person generally has to make more effort to become a fanatic of those ideologies. 50 years of cold war turned a lot of people into communist/capitalist fanatics because it was raised to such defining element of the culture. If we don’t get into another economically based cold war I would expect the number of economic system fanatics will drop over the next couple of generations to it’s pre-WWII level (Which would allow more mixing of the ideologies taking the good and avoiding the bad in each).

It can be said that on any given axis with two opposing ideologies on either end. There is the absolute moderate who holds no opinion either way in the center and those who are intensely emotionally invested in the axis on either end of the axis. I’m not advocating everyone be absolute moderates, but those who have a single axis way our of wack with the intensity of other axises in their lives will be willing to be driven to violence over a single aspect of their life. Those who allow an ideology to consume them have no reason to reject violence.

To avoid violence all ideas and ideologies need to be approached with trepidations and questions in the heart. In Moderation information can be honestly analyzed. Most disagreements can be overcome by education (either yours (learning you were wrong), or theirs (learning you were right)). For some arguments there is not enough information for that to be true. In those instances there in no reason (almost by definition) to become fanatic about the ideology, the world is better served by bringing more information to the axis as a whole.

Sorry got kind of abstract at the end there.

–Zafkiel

Philosophy/Religion

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea
with the
Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is.
She says
that it is to surround herself with intelligent
people. He asks
how she knows if they’re intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the
Queen.
“Allow me to demonstrate.” She phones Tony Blair and
says,
“Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question:
“Your mother
has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is
not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the
Queen. She
hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”

“Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using
that!”

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he’d better
put the
Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to
the test.
He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says,
“Senator
Helms, I wonder if you’d mind answering a question for
me?”

“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”

“Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child,
and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who
is it?”

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think
about it
and get back to you?”

Bush agrees and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls
meeting
of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle
over the
question for several hours, but nobody can come up
with an
answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin
Powell at
the State Department and explains his problem.

“Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your
father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or
your sister.
Who is it?”

Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course, you
idiot.”

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House
and
exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is!
It’s
Colin Powell!”

And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, Senator. It’s
Tony Blair.”

Government

I know how to deal with stressful situations:
I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of
cigarette and coffee breaks.

I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication &
organizational skills:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to
do.

I’m extremely adept at all manner of office organization:
I’ve used Microsoft Office.

My pertinent work experience includes:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

I take pride in my work:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I’m balanced and centered:
I’ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the
lunchroom.

I have a sense of humor:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I’m willing to relocate:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.

I’m extremely professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.

My background and skills match your requirements:
You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.

I am adaptable:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go:
I’m never at my desk.

I’m highly motivated to succeed:
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

I have formal training:
I’m a college dropout.

I interact well with co-workers:
I’ve been accused of sexual harassment.

Thank you for your time and consideration:
Wait! Don’t throw me away!

Corporate