Virtual Illusions

“Whatever you do, it is most important that you do it.”

–Gandhi

Quote

In regards to the Pledge of Allegiance.

“That appeared to be the fear in Middletown this week, as some board members described high school students as naturally rebellious and disrespectful. Board member Marie Derosier said requiring students to stand would teach them a badly needed lesson in respect.”

It’s interesting how many people can’t tell the difference between respect and powerlessness.

News, Politics, Quote

“My dear Kepler, what would you say of the learned here, who, replete with the pertinacity of the asp, have steadfastly refused to cast a glance through the telescope? What shall we make of this? Shall we laugh, or shall we cry?”

–Letter from Galileo Galilei to Johannes Kepler, 1610

Philosophy/Religion, Quote

“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Quote

You have to be an old techie to get them all.

If IBM made toasters…
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters…
You could toast one-sided or double-sided.
Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters…
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If University of Waterloo made toasters…
They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.

If ParcPlace made toasters…
Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

If Oracle made toasters…
They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters…
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?…
They made good toasters in the ’80s, didn’t they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters…
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters…
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters…
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters…
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters…
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters…
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters…
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters…
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters…
“Baby’s First Toaster” would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters…
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If CostCo made toasters…
They’d be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of ‘em.

And, of course:
If Microsoft made toasters…
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster’95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters…
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

Computers

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity…probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Corporate, Lists

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions.
People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: “Young man. Don’t you realize that this is a Catholic country? You’ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.”
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: “Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?”

Religion

A farmer in Alabama was driving across a bridge in his pickup
truck when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge
ready to jump to his death in the river below.

The man stopped his truck, ran up to the man, and said, “Hey
fellow, why are you doing this?” The man replied, “Well, I have
nothing to live for.”

The Alabama man replied, “Well, think of your wife and children!”
The jumper replied, “I have no wife or children.”

The Alabama man then said, “Well, then think of your mother and
father!” The man replied, “Mom and Dad passed on many years
back.”

The Alabama man then said, “Well, think of General Robert E.
Lee!” The would-be jumper replied, “Who?”

With that the Alabama man said, “Jump you stupid yankee, jump!”

Regional

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, Some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re
finished.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.

I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your
house, one of your kids did it.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.

Relationship

HR 2357 and HR 2931 the supposed “Houses of Worship Political Speech Protection Act,” and “Bright-line Act” just came to my attention. I would like to make it clear that you should vote against these bills.

All individuals already enjoy the right to support political candidates speak out on issues. A church, as a tax exempt organization and a non-person, does not enjoy these rights. This is not a problem. Political support is the right of the individual not the organization. Churches are free to recommend their members give money to political causes and the member can follow that advice or choose not to. If the church represents its members the churches voice is in no way blunted.

Churches and other non-profits can and do speak about issues to their hearts content. That is true now. All these bills will do is allow churches to get themselves further involved in partisan politics. It allows them to become mired in the corrupt campaign financing deals to buy influence. The fewer people and organizations who can buy influence the more the actual voting Americans have influence and the stronger and less corrupt our political system.

Even under current rules, churches have used their spiritual influence to greatly distort the political process. Roman Catholic leaders have threatened excommunication and damnation against lawmakers who did not support the “church line.” I would hate to see church members similarly threatened to vote for certain candidates or support certain political parties.

If you disagree with me and want to encourage the above behaviors you still face two obstacles. First the constitution mandates that churches be treated with neutrality. That means if you grant these privileges to churches they must be granted to all non-profits regardless of their religious or secular natures. To do otherwise is give preferential treatment to churches, an unconstitutional act.

Lastly, how are you going to enforce the rules of these proposed laws on churches. Churches have always fought making their books public and the only way enforce the rules is to audit the church’s books. Until you have a solution that is an actual enforcement mechanism and passes court muster in regards to excessive entanglement, you can not pass these bills in good conscience.

These bills attempt to solve a non-problem and introduce serious issues and new problems. Please vote against them.

Politics