Archive

Archive for April, 2003

Eye of the Needle

April 23rd, 2003

Yes, are you aware of what the Eye of the Needle actually referred to?

I know you weren’t about to spout that gate in Jerusalem BS. Cause you’re not that gullible.

Besides the ethic was clearly cribbed from Plato who is said, “It is impossible fro an exceptionally good man to be exceptionally rich.” (Plato, LAWS, 743A)

We can assume that the phases were understood to have the same meaning at the time based on “Celsus On the True Doctrine” written by Celsus in 178CE, available in the 1987 translation by R. Joseph Hoffman

“Not only do they misunderstand the words of the philosophers; they even stoop to assigning words of the philosophers to their Jesus. For example, we are told that Jesus judged the rich with the saying ‘It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of god.’ Yet we know that Plato expressed this very idea in a purer form when he said, ‘It is impossible for an exceptionally good man to be exceptionally rich.’ Is one utterance more inspired than the other?” (94)

I become familiar with with the quotes by reading “The Jesus Mysteries” by Timothy Freke and Peter Gandy. Only a bit through it but highly recommended.

–Zafkiel

Philosophy/Religion, Quote

God and the Devil discuss an Engineer

April 23rd, 2003

Although locked in fierce competition for what seems like forever, God and the Devil meet once every week for coffee just to catch up with each other. One week they’re in heaven and the next they’re in hell.

When it was God’s turn to host last week, the Devil was whistling a happy tune as he walked through the gates and wore a huge smile as he plopped down in the golden chair.

As he poured a cup, God said, “You look pretty pleased with yourself.”

“Yeah,” said the Devil, “Things are really looking up since I got that engineer last week. He’s put in escalators and flush toilets, and he even found a way to control the heat in those old furnaces. I’ve been meaning to thank you for turning him away up here.”

God looked stunned, and almost spilled coffee into the saucer.

“You know that you’re not supposed to get any engineers,” God said. “Peter was breaking in some new help at the gates last week, and they must have made a mistake. Just send him back up and we’ll straighten it out.”

But the Devil just chuckled and said, “No. I think I’ll keep him. He was talking about looking into better ventilation this week. I can see why you keep them all for yourself.”

“Send him back,” demanded God

“No,” smirked the Devil.

God thundered, “Send him back, or…”

“Or what?” the Devil asked.

“Or I’ll sue,” finished God.

The Devil chuckled again.

“Where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Engineers, Religion

poem

April 16th, 2003

First they came for the Communists,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Jew.
Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me,
and by that time there was no one
left to speak up for me.

by Rev. Martin Niemoller, 1945

Politics, Quote

Bumper Sticker

April 16th, 2003

Yes, the faithful are a wonderful bunch. Just yesterday I was standing behind a car with a bumper sticker that said “Honk if you love Jesus”. So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, looked back at me and yelled, “Can’t you see the light is still red, you f%*&ing moron?”

~aj

from http://boards.fool.com/Message.asp?mid=18909761&recscode=2

Quote

Quote

April 16th, 2003

“To announce that there must be NO criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President Right or Wrong, is not only UNPATRIOTIC and SERVILE, but is Morally TREASONABLE to the American Public.”

–Former Republican President, Theodore Roosevelt

Politics, Quote

quote

April 14th, 2003

“What good is a smart bomb if you have a stupid president?”

– 3rd hand, unknown

Politics, Quote

Dilbert Quotes Contest

April 11th, 2003

A while ago magazine ran a “Dilbert Quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the twelve finalists:

  1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
  2. What I need is a specific list of the unknown problems which we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
  3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
  4. This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
  5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
  6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
  7. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
  8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday, Valentine’s Day. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
  9. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
  10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
  11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
  12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for “perverts” working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

Corporate, Quotes

Martha Stewart vs Real Women

April 11th, 2003

Martha Stewart Says:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix me up.”

Real Women Say:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too
damn bad. Please recite with me the “Real Women’s” motto: “I made it
and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.”

Martha Stewart:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women:
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares?

Martha Stewart:
Stuff marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent
ice cream drips.

Real Women:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up,
eating it anyway.

Martha Stewart:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the potatoes.

Real Women:
Buy Hungry Jack potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up
to a year.

Martha Stewart:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on
the outside of the cake.

Real Women:
Go to the bakery. They will even decorate it for you.

Martha Stewart:
Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking for a
glossy finish.

Real Women:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do
not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don’t
do it.

Martha Stewart:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.

Real Women:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally…the most important tip:

Martha Stewart:
Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women:
Leftover wine????????

Gender

Quote

April 8th, 2003

Article Not written by me, but archived

No matter how many times the president’s fundie sycophants and the pastors of America try to pervert history by invoking Christianity as the moral backbone of the founding fathers the truth stands for all time in the words of the men themselves

The Treaty of Tripoli, passed by the U.S. Senate in 1797, read in part: “The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion.” The treaty was written during the Washington administration, and sent to the Senate during the Adams administration. It was read aloud to the Senate, and each Senator received a printed copy

This was the 339th time that a recorded vote was required by the Senate, but only the third time a vote was unanimous (the next time was to honor George Washington). There is no record of any debate or dissension on the treaty. It was reprinted in full in three newspapers - two in Philadelphia, one in New York City. There is no record of public outcry or complaint in subsequent editions of the papers
http://www.dimensional.com/~randl/founders.htm

“The Christian right is trying to rewrite the history of the United States as part of its campaign to force its religion on others. They try to depict the founding fathers as pious Christians who wanted the United States to be a Christian nation, with laws that favored Christians and Christianity

This is patently untrue. The early presidents and patriots were generally Deists or Unitarians, believing in some form of impersonal Providence but rejecting the divinity of Jesus and the absurdities of the Old and New testaments

Thomas Paine was a pamphleteer whose manifestos encouraged the faltering spirits of the country and aided materially in winning the war of Independence: I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of…Each of those churches accuse the other of unbelief; and for my own part, I disbelieve them all.”
From: The Age of Reason by Thomas Paine, pp. 8,9 (Republished 1984, Prometheus Books, Buffalo, NY)

George Washington, the first president of the United States, never declared himself a Christian according to contemporary reports or in any of his voluminous correspondence. Washington Championed the cause of freedom from religious intolerance and compulsion. When John Murray (a universalist who denied the existence of hell) was invited to become an army chaplain, the other chaplains petitioned Washington for his dismissal. Instead, Washington gave him the appointment. On his deathbed, Washinton uttered no words of a religious nature and did not call for a clergyman to be in attendance
From: George Washington and Religion by Paul F. Boller Jr., pp. 16, 87, 88, 108, 113, 121, 127 (1963, Southern Methodist University Press, Dallas, TX)

John Adams, the country’s second president, was drawn to the study of law but faced pressure from his father to become a clergyman. He wrote that he found among the lawyers ‘noble and gallant achievments” but among the clergy, the “pretended sanctity of some absolute dunces”. Late in life he wrote: “Twenty times in the course of my late reading, have I been upon the point of breaking out, “This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it!” It was during Adam’s administration that the Senate ratified the Treaty of Peace and Friendship, which states in Article XI that “the government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion.”
From: The Character of John Adams by Peter Shaw, pp. 17 (1976, North Carolina Press, Chapel Hill, NC) Quoting a letter by JA to Charles Cushing Oct 19, 1756, and John Adams, A Biography in his Own Words, edited by James Peabody, p. 403 (1973, Newsweek, New York NY) Quoting letter by JA to Jefferson April 19, 1817, and in reference to the treaty, Thomas Jefferson, Passionate Pilgrim by Alf Mapp Jr., pp. 311 (1991, Madison Books, Lanham, MD) quoting letter by TJ to Dr. Benjamin Waterhouse, June, 1814

Thomas Jefferson, third president and author of the Declaration of Independence, said:”I trust that there is not a young man now living in the United States who will not die a Unitarian.” He referred to the Revelation of St. John as “the ravings of a maniac” and wrote: The Christian priesthood, finding the doctrines of Christ levelled to every understanding and too plain to need explanation, saw, in the mysticisms of Plato, materials with which they might build up an artificial system which might, from its indistinctness, admit everlasting controversy, give employment for their order, and introduce it to profit, power, and pre-eminence. The doctrines which flowed from the lips of Jesus himself are within the comprehension of a child; but thousands of volumes have not yet explained the Platonisms engrafted on them: and for this obvious reason that nonsense can never be explained.”
From: Thomas Jefferson, an Intimate History by Fawn M. Brodie, p. 453 (1974, W.W) Norton and Co. Inc. New York, NY) Quoting a letter by TJ to Alexander Smyth Jan 17, 1825, and Thomas Jefferson, Passionate Pilgrim by Alf Mapp Jr., pp. 246 (1991, Madison Books, Lanham, MD) quoting letter by TJ to John Adams, July 5, 1814

James Madison, fourth president and father of the Constitution, was not religious in any conventional sense. “Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise.” “During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What have been its fruits? More or less in all places, pride and indolence in the Clergy, ignorance and servility in the laity, in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution.”
From: The Madisons by Virginia Moore, P. 43 (1979, McGraw-Hill Co. New York, NY) quoting a letter by JM to William Bradford April 1, 1774, and James Madison, A Biography in his Own Words, edited by Joseph Gardner, p. 93, (1974, Newsweek, New York, NY) Quoting Memorial and Remonstrance against Religious Assessments by JM, June 1785

Ethan Allen, whose capture of Fort Ticonderoga while commanding the Green Mountain Boys helped inspire Congress and the country to pursue the War of Independence, said, “That Jesus Christ was not God is evidence from his own words.” In the same book, Allen noted that he was generally “denominated a Deist, the reality of which I never disputed, being conscious that I am no Christian.” When Allen married Fanny Buchanan, he stopped his own wedding ceremony when the judge asked him if he promised “to live with Fanny Buchanan agreeable to the laws of God.” Allen refused to answer until the judge agreed that the God referred to was the God of Nature, and the laws those “written in the great book of nature.”
From: Religion of the American Enlightenment by G. Adolph Koch, p. 40 (1968, Thomas Crowell Co., New York, NY.) quoting preface and p. 352 of Reason, the Only Oracle of Man and A Sense of History compiled by American Heritage Press Inc., p. 103 (1985, American Heritage Press, Inc., New York, NY.)

Benjamin Franklin, delegate to the Continental Congress and the Constitutional Convention, said: As to Jesus of Nazareth, my Opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the System of Morals and his Religion…has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, with most of the present dissenters in England, some doubts as to his Divinity; tho’ it is a question I do not dogmatize upon, having never studied it, and think it needless to busy myself with it now, when I expect soon an opportunity of knowing the Truth with less trouble.” He died a month later, and historians consider him, like so many great Americans of his time, to be a Deist, not a Christian
From: Benjamin Franklin, A Biography in his Own Words, edited by Thomas Fleming, p. 404, (1972, Newsweek, New York, NY) quoting letter by BF to Exra Stiles March 9, 1790

No one disputes the faith of our Founding Fathers. To speak of unalienable Rights being endowed by a Creator certainly shows a sensitivity to our spiritual selves. What is surprising is when fundamentalist Christians think the Founding Fathers’ faith had anything to do with the Bible

Without exception, the faith of our Founding Fathers was deist, not theist. It was best expressed earlier in the Declaration of Independence, when they spoke of “the Laws of Nature” and of “Nature’s God.” In a sermon of October 1831, Episcopalian minister Bird Wilson said, “Among all of our Presidents, from Washington downward, not one was a professor of religion, at least not of more than Unitarianism.” The Bible? Here is what our Founding Fathers wrote about Bible-based Christianity: Thomas Jefferson: “I have examined all the known superstitions of the word, and I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature

They are all alike founded on fables and mythology. Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined and imprisoned. What has been the effect of this coercion? To make one half the world fools and the other half hypocrites; to support roguery and error all over the earth.” SIX HISTORIC AMERICANS, by John E. Remsburg, letter to William Short Jefferson again: “Christianity…(has become) the most perverted system that ever shone on man. …Rogueries, absurdities and untruths were perpetrated upon the teachings of Jesus by a large band of dupes and importers led by Paul, the first great corrupter of the teaching of Jesus.” More Jefferson: “The clergy converted the simple teachings of Jesus into an engine for enslaving mankind and adulterated by artificial constructions into a contrivance to filch wealth and power to themselves…these clergy, in fact, constitute the real Anti-Christ

Jefferson’s word for the Bible? “Dunghill.” John Adams: “Where do we find a precept in the Bible for Creeds, Confessions, Doctrines and Oaths, and whole carloads of other trumpery that we find religion encumbered with in these days?” Also Adams: “The doctrine of the divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity.” Adams signed the Treaty of Tripoli. Article 11 states: “The Government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion.”

Here’s Thomas Paine: “I would not dare to so dishonor my Creator God by attaching His name to that book (the Bible).” “Among the most detestable villains in history, you could not find one worse than Moses. Here is an order, attributed to ‘God’ to butcher the boys, to massacre the mothers and to debauch and rape the daughters. I would not dare so dishonor my Creator’s name by (attaching) it to this filthy book (the Bible).” “It is the duty of every true Deist to vindicate the moral justice of God against the evils of the Bible.” “Accustom a people to believe that priests and clergy can forgive sins…and you will have sins in abundance.” And; “The Christian church has set up a religion of pomp and revenue in pretended imitation of a person (Jesus) who lived a life of poverty.”

Finally let’s hear from James Madison: “What influence in fact have Christian ecclesiastical establishments had on civil society? In many instances they have been upholding the thrones of political tyranny. In no instance have they been seen as the guardians of the liberties of the people. Rulers who wished to subvert the public liberty have found in the clergy convenient auxiliaries. A just government, instituted to secure and perpetuate liberty, does not need the clergy.” Madison objected to state-supported chaplains in Congress and to the exemption of churches from taxation. He wrote: “Religion and government will both exist in greater purity, the less they are mixed together.” These founding fathers were a reflection of the American population

Having escaped from the state-established religions of Europe, only 7% of the people in the 13 colonies belonged to a church when the Declaration of Independence was signed
http://www.postfun.com/pfp/worbois.html ?

no matter how much Jefferson and Madison tried to pitchfork religion out of official governmental actions, it has kept sneaking back in, beating down attempts to contain it. Madison said that religion is ‘not within the cognizance of civil government.’ He did not even want ministers of religion to list their profession in the government’s census, since ‘the general government is proscribed from interfering, in any manner whatever, in matters respecting religion, and it may be thought to do this in ascertaining who and who are not the ministers of the gospel.’ Madison was aware that most nations have made an instrumental use of God (as the endorser of secular policy) and that this dishonors God rather than honors him. It recruits him to secular purpose and literally ‘takes the Lord’s name in vain.’ Madison would allow men in danger of death to have chaplains of their own denominations near them if financed by their own denominations. But that is different from putting ministers in government uniform, under government discipline
http://www.nytimes.com/2003/03/30/magazine/30THEOCRACY.html

proton

Philosophy/Religion, Politics, Quote

Christmas Innerancy

April 4th, 2003

Gleaned via my time machine from over 2000 years in the future, the debate over scripture still rages…

Q: I’m unclear about the nature of the Trinity. Can you explain it in more detail?

A: The nature of the Trinity is a tricky subject even for scholars. Essentially, the Godhead is composed of Santa Claus, Frosty (the Son) and Rudolph (the Spirit). Though Santa Claus is the ruler of the North Pole, admittance to the Pole is only achieved through belief in Frosty. Rudolph, as the Spirit, is both a part of and apart from Santa and the Son. Additionally, Rudolph may manifest himself within others, including Frosty but not Santa Claus (who’s will rules all). Frosty may manifest Himself in Rudolph, though He does not manifest in man (since He is part man and part divinity). All of the authors of Scripture were possessed of Rudolph while writing, and this is why we say that Santa manifested Himself through Rudolph to produce a completely inerrant work. Simple, isn’t it?

Q: Santa is depicted as a rather portly Being, and yet He can slip down chimneys with ease. How is this logically possible?

A: Remember that we are speaking of the chimneys of antiquity and not the ones found in homes today. Archeological digs supervised by our own Ministry have unearthed chimneys as large as 15 feet square, thus fully capable of accommodating Santa’s legendary girth. However, the problem is moot since Santa, being divine, could go through the key hole if he so desired.

Q: The Book of “‘Twas” lists eight reindeer, and yet Rudolph makes nine. How do you explain this obvious discrepancy?

A: A careful reading of the relevant passage easily harmonizes this “discrepancy”�

�When, what to my wondering eyes did appear
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

Scripture makes specific reference to “eight TINY reindeer”. Rudolph was a reindeer of average proportions. Therefore, there is no discrepancy. The sleigh was being pulled by eight “tiny” reindeer and one normal sized reindeer, namely Rudolph.

Q: How did Santa navigate in foggy weather before Rudolph? Are we to believe that there were no foggy Clausmas nights prior to His birth?

A: Yes. In fact, there were no foggy nights period before the advent of Rudolph. Scripture clearly teaches that Santa created fog to punish “all of the other reindeer” for laughing at Rudolph’s radiant nose and the sin of idolatry. Since that time, however, Rudolph’s glorious light has led many out of sin and into the eternal holiness of the North Pole, there to bask in the glory of the True Claus.

Q: How do we know that Frosty is the Son of Santa? He’s not even mentioned in the Book of ‘Twas.

A: You need to read more carefully, my friend! Frosty is clearly referred to many times�

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Gave luster of midday to objects below�

�is a clear reference to Frosty’s nature as both snow and man (that is, “breast” fed) and his ability to “shine light” upon (or illuminate) objects below. Additionally,

�his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

�is a clear reference to Frosty’s coal (or “ashes and soot”) eyes. Also, both Frosty and Santa smoke pipes, wear hats and are jolly. What more evidence do you need?

Q: Isn’t Frosty just another “resurrection” god, much like Adonis, Jesus and Osiris? And what’s so special about His resurrection anyway? Doesn’t water turn into snow automatically when the temperature drops?

A: The resurrection of Frosty differs in many ways from that of others. First, Frosty did not just “turn into snow” by some capricious act of nature, but rather his resurrection was self willed. Secondly, He Himself forecast His own resurrection - it was not forecast by local weather stations of the period, contrary to the opinions of some skeptics. And finally, He forecast His ultimate return to earth to judge the unworthy with His last remark�

�he waved goodbye, saying
“Don’t you cry, I’ll be back again someday!”

I’ll be ready for his return. Will you, my friend?

Q: In the often quoted passage�

Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus
Who despises all things homosexual in nature and will cast their sinning asses into hell
Right down Santa Claus lane�

�the third line doesn’t seem to “scan” with regards to the rest of the text. Is it possible that the text has been tampered with in some way?

A: No. It is a common ploy among those with a homosexual agenda to try to discredit Scripture by claiming that those who wrote it had some sort of bias or political agenda. Just because they don’t like what Santa had to say about their life-style is no reason for them to try to re-write Scripture. Much the same argument has been advanced by pro-abortionists who view �

�It’s a beautiful sight, we’re happy tonight, Santa hates baby-killers,
Walkin’ in a Winter Wonderland�.

�as some sort “altered” text. The authors of the Scriptures were DIVINELY moved by the will of Santa through the power of Rudolph. They had no political agenda whatsoever, and in fact, we have good evidence to support the claim that most were far too uneducated to even spell the word “agenda”.

Q: The verse�

�there must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found
For when they placed it on His head, He began to dance around�
�seems to strongly imply that magic was involved in Frosty’s initial creation. Yet the Church forbids such practices. Explain.

A: This is purely a problem of translation, not doctrine. The word “magic” here comes to us from the root maj - ika, which means literally “divinely given holy power of the Santa”. Some newer versions of Scripture have actually edited out this deceptive translation and the text now reads (as it always should have)�

�there must have been some divinely given holy power of the Santa in that old silk hat they found�

�and there was, my friend, there was.

Holiday, Religion