My practice of going to sleep late a waking up “early” (you know earlier than planned) seemed to have caught up with me last night when I went to sleep at around 7:30. Woke up again a bit after midnight, read for a couple of hours then back to bed until 8ish. This deviates from my normal practice of going sleep usually just a bit after 2am and waking up sometime between 8am and 9am.
As long as I’m talking about sleeping I might as well commit to blog that I’ve remembered two dreams recently which is pretty much my quota for the year. I seem to recall there being a third in a similar theme but it seems to have slipped away at this point.
First one I was a passenger in a commercial jet coming in for a landing at National. Just before landing the wind caught us and we flipped upside down, the wing bounced off the ground before landing. I seem to recall being given a free ticket because of the wing bouncing. My family may or may not have been on the plane as well.
Second one I was at a ranch or some such out door place with wood corral type fences and I came across a rattle snake. It tried step away slowly, but it lunged and bit me in the chest. I’m pretty sure I died or was dying.
These would be the only dreams I have recollection of where I was involved in harm or risk. Usually I just have odd conversations with people, like the one where I was told I wasn’t as old as I thought I was. Or I have jumping dreams, where I’m going somewhere but gravity just isn’t the pull I’m used to and I can do anime leaps like no ones business. I never actually arrive anywhere during jumping dreams but that’s because I’m having too much fun jumping.
Life
Since I have tears in my eyes and have been given to jags of sobbing I should write it. Its the only way to make things real and get beyond it.
What is wrong with me. Why is every woman’s reaction to me expressing that I’d be interested in being more than just platonic friends result in her cutting off all contact with me? Phone calls not answered, messages not returned. Email invites to group events ignored, email inviting her out to a beer ignored. How can you be friends with someone who chooses to have all the communicative properties of a brick wall when it suits her?
They aren’t random women. They are always my friends. They mean so much to me, but I so little to them. Apparently my friendship is just that easy to walk away from. If it means so little why do they kiss me. When I’m in their physical presence why do they say we should do this more often. Why do they indicate that they want me even incrementally more involved just to completely ignore my attempts at communication when they aren’t sitting next to me.
Why do they pull hope out of its deep dark cave where I keep it in chains. Why do they bring it out and feed it and encourage it, just to tell me that I’m not even worth trying to stay friends with after we’ve kissed a few times?
If it meant something, how can they treat me so badly. If it didn’t why does it require jettisoning 5+ years of friendship over.
What is wrong with me? Why am I so broken?
So I’ve been composing in my mind the email saying goodbye to my good friend. I go between anger at being treated like this and hurt that our friendship means so little. I want to tell her how much her friendship means and how I hope one day we can be friends again. But in my heart I know that is because for some reason hope hasn’t yet been totally destroyed. I should be furious for being treated this way.
But mostly I just want my friend back….
Life
Saturday was spent mostly waking up late, then a bunch of gaming prep for the Saturday group. I had to actually get a character ready which in D20 seems to require a lot of advanced planning. I got a halfling Wizard whom I’m calling Enki. We’ll see how it goes. We got some fresh blood in that group, our last new player dates back from the mid to late ’90s.
Between that and eating and actually going gaming I didn’t get a chance to run which was my third day in a row which I skipped running. Shouldn’t do that.
On Sunday I finally got a chance to run. Then over to the parents for both printer installation and screen adjustment and furniture moving.
In the good news my sister sent a big ole email to my mom so they’re practically talking again. By now they probably are, but I haven’t heard quite yet. But this of course meant we had a family dynamics discussion which tends to wear me down. I need to recharge somewhere/how but not sure how to pull that off.
Oh… on Saturday my trended weight officially dropped below 200 pounds so that’s good. W00t.
That should really be enough for everyone to chew on.
Gaming, Life
It occurs that I failed to mention that I wend down to the Bricks of Friday… Just tossed out an invite to the usual suspects. You know the ones that usually get between 4-8 positive responses, and bang suddenly I had a group of 18.
V. somehow managed to acquire reservations at the Bricks which as far as I know doesn’t take reservations. We all converged… Mostly work and gaming people plus a bunch of people form C’s fencing circle. I had a good time. Played some host, drank some beer, confessed my confusion to trusted folks. Just what the doctor ordered.
Beer, Life
I just got back from my run. It was rather tough. Fourth day in a row after skipping for three days. It was also very cold. I should have worn a third layer of some sort and maybe some glove type things. I didn’t really get warmed up until I was most of the way home.
Of course with that cold comes a nice clear sky. The view over the pond was quite nice.
Now I get to cool down and watch a movie. Netflix just shipped me the Aristocrat and Rob Roy. Probably watch Aristocrat first as it’s new and exciting. Rob Roy was one of those oversights in my movie watching I just got around to correcting. With 180+ items on your netflix list it takes a while for those sort oversights to be corrected.
Though just Monday I finally got around to watching Americn History X which was quite good. I was kind of afraid it was going to be too… I don’t political, preachy, black and white but it turned out quite good. I recommend it.
Anyway enough rambling.
Media
I don’t believe in gods or the supernatural, but about a dozen years ago I had an experience that if I did believe, I’m sure I would have attributed to a religious experience of some sort. Oddly enough it is very comforting when I become long term overwrought.
I experienced Douglas Adam’s Total Perspective Vortex, though on a limited scale.
I was in college at the time being torn appart by the fact that the woman I was enamored with had indicated that I was alone in this feeling. While meditating on this while listening to suitable depressing music and staring at the bunk above mine. I began to have a scale change. I just sort of zoomed out. First all the people in the city and all of the petty connections of love, hate and indifference. Then further, the whole country and further. Earth, The solar system, the galaxy, everything.
In that moment of perfect clarity of context, I realized that my feeling toward the woman weren’t relevant. They simply didn’t even register. Too much else was happening, too much that mattered to allow this to consume me.
The Total Perspective Vortex is supposed to destroy your mind, for me I found it very freeing. I’ve never gotten the perfect clarity I had that night, but I have called upon the memory on a number of occasions and found its almost nihilistic vision very comforting.
Philosophy/Religion
Trended weight this morning…. 200.01. Thats not fair missing the milestone by .02 pounds. Anyway should hit the milestone tomorrow unless I really mess up. Though I’m going 2 days in a row without running so it’s possible.
Life
It isn’t even slightly official, but when I got back from my run this “morning” for the first time in this weight loss cycle I was under 200 lbs. 198.5 lbs to specific.
So that’s a big woot for me.
It doesn’t really count yet, my best daily weight (taken when I wake up) is 200.5 lbs, and my trended weight is still 202.29 lbs. Assuming I don’t mess anything up my trended weight should break the 200 lbs barrier easily by the end of the month.
At that point I will have lost 15 lbs and achieved my first goal/milestone. Expect to see a proper woot posting about that.
Life