Since I have tears in my eyes and have been given to jags of sobbing I should write it. Its the only way to make things real and get beyond it.

What is wrong with me. Why is every woman’s reaction to me expressing that I’d be interested in being more than just platonic friends result in her cutting off all contact with me? Phone calls not answered, messages not returned. Email invites to group events ignored, email inviting her out to a beer ignored. How can you be friends with someone who chooses to have all the communicative properties of a brick wall when it suits her?

They aren’t random women. They are always my friends. They mean so much to me, but I so little to them. Apparently my friendship is just that easy to walk away from. If it means so little why do they kiss me. When I’m in their physical presence why do they say we should do this more often. Why do they indicate that they want me even incrementally more involved just to completely ignore my attempts at communication when they aren’t sitting next to me.

Why do they pull hope out of its deep dark cave where I keep it in chains. Why do they bring it out and feed it and encourage it, just to tell me that I’m not even worth trying to stay friends with after we’ve kissed a few times?

If it meant something, how can they treat me so badly. If it didn’t why does it require jettisoning 5+ years of friendship over.

What is wrong with me? Why am I so broken?

So I’ve been composing in my mind the email saying goodbye to my good friend. I go between anger at being treated like this and hurt that our friendship means so little. I want to tell her how much her friendship means and how I hope one day we can be friends again. But in my heart I know that is because for some reason hope hasn’t yet been totally destroyed. I should be furious for being treated this way.

But mostly I just want my friend back….