Tuesday and Wednesday
I haven’t gotten around to writing this entry under the hopes that if I gave it enough time I would be able to post an entry that 12 hours later I wouldn’t wonder what I was thinking posting that and mark it as private. But I have to write it, accept it, make it real.
Tuesday was the worst day I’ve had in years. It had some nice moments, but in the final analysis it really sucked.
It starts with some background stress. In this case there are some familial stressors floating around. Nothing I can’t handle but they’ve been dragging on. Consider it generally wearying.
On Tuesday one of my teammates got fired (layed off, asked to resign, whatever). One moment were having a design discussion, the next the team leader is closing the door and I’m wondering if all those jokes about not having done it were quite appropriate. It was actually the counter meeting to inform the team that as we speak the teammate not in the room is being fired. That always clenches up the gut. You sort of stare at stuff not sure what to do or how to act.
I eventually left a little bit early and went down to VA to play poker with my monthly group. Didn’t do so well, lost 80% of my stake, but since that was only $10 it doesn’t matter overly much.
I was in VA and near where a certain woman tends to be a regular. The woman in question is my friend of 5+ years. We’d been navigating a weird thing where we were just friends but it took a long time to say goodbye and it involved kissing. After we managed to say goodbye she would endeavor to ignore me or as close as possible without actually ignoring me. But if we managed to get within arms reach everything was good we’d have great conversations and goodbyes. This didn’t happen often but enough to cause its own version wearying stress.
Anyway I stopped by her hang out, by chance she was there and we had a great conversation like we usually do. We were there until passed closing. After the first or second kiss goodbye she told me that we couldn’t date. Her position was weakened by the fact that she was kissing me while saying we couldn’t date.
There was more kissing but after an hour or so she convinced me that she had made a choice of who she was going to date, which sort of puts an end to the confusing period of taking a long time to say good night when we’re near each other while she avoids allowing herself be lured into my presence.
It sucked and it hurt.
I agreed not to hate her and she agreed to come to the March party. How we actually navigate a post kissing friendship is still kind of vague.
I got home at 3:30 or so wasn’t near being ready to sleep until well after 4. Then woke up an hour before my alarm and decided that I was sick. I could have gone to work and stared at my monitor, but I couldn’t have done anything productive so figured that counted as sick.
I spent most of Tuesday reading the Principia Discordia because things already didn’t make sense.
Around 3 or so I roused my self and went to the book store because I’d found myself largely out of books some how. I stared at the science fiction and fantasy section for like two hours and couldn’t find anything I thought I wanted to buy. I eventually went picked of three books from the science section (A Carl Sagan book (don’t remember which) and How We Believe by Michael Shermer and The Science of Good and Evil also by Shermer).
Eventually I ate and went home. Then I turned on the TV for eight or nine hours to keep the brain good and dead. I finally managed to exercise again last night.
Yep, Tuesday sucked. Not recommended.
Maybe at a later date I’ll write the pieces about how rejection hurts and wondering why I’m always alone and how I feel that its a forgone conclusion that the woman will never choose me. But I don’t have the heart for it right now.