Virtual Illusions

HIGH LORD ZEN

I seem to have found myself at the center of a controversy. Although I don’t know how this will be distributed, there will be a final issue. The newly elected Hughes E-board seems to have something against me, and have found it in there hearts to personally insult me in many ways.

Your new secretary has complained about implied complaints, well I have a complaint. If you no longer wish for me to write for the Hughes News you could at least have the decency to let me know. I take offense to implied things just as much as you do, and it seems to me that after writing the Hughes News for over 2 years and through 4 secretaries the least the new E-board could do is inform me that my services would no longer be required. If you are going to censor me at least you could have the balls to tell me so. I never expected to be thanked for my efforts, but I think I have earned the right to say goodbye to all of the people who have read me over the years. But as it is, your handling of the situation has done nothing but made me angry. If you had said nothing allowed me my last issue and been done with it, no one would have said a thing. I would have graduated, and you probably wouldn’t have heard another word from me. You apparently hold me is such contempt that you couldn’t even give me that.

The new E-board claims that I’ve been cast out because I’m no longer a resident of Hughes Hall. They claim they are trying to build spirit inside of Hughes Hall by not allowing a member of the Hughes community to write for the Hughes News. How precisely do you define community? Apparently you define community by residence. I haven’t lived in Hughes Hall this year but only a fool would say I am not a member of that community. I have lived and spent extensive amount of time in Hughes Hall for three years now. Although I currently don’t actually live in Hughes Hall I can name at least three people right off of the top of my head who technically live in Hughes who spend less time there than I do. Yet they can write for the Hughes News assuming what they’re writing passes your censoring. I’ve been writing Lord Zen for most of the three years I’ve been a member of the Hughes community, and in that time my impression is that I have always entertained at least a significant portion of that community. Ironically it is in order to build this community that I have been cancelled. Last year the Hughes News was entered as the program of the year for Hughes Hall because it brought so many people together. I think you should re-examine your motives.

Let’s stop insulting the intelligence of Hughesites. I’ve been forbidden from writing as a form of censorship. The new E-board doesn’t posses the original view that used to dominate Hughes Hall, and so they stop one of the last visible remnant of that attitude. Let’s talk a little bit about that attitude. There was a time when Hughes Hall was the refuge of the strange, the home of the unconventional, and a place where lost children could temporarily find solace before wandering on. I remember movie nights that ran every night of the week they began at about 2am and went till dawn. These weren’t floor programs, they were not advertised, you just knew about them. These movie nights had more to do with community and spirit than any paper that gets people to write for it by promising credits towards floor of the month. I remember that damn Home Alone kid being burned in effigy. I remember people being tossed into a shower in celebration of a birthday. I’ve seen a video of a friend of mine spontaneously combusting in a lounge. There was an RA watching while this film was being made. Now you wouldn’t dare light a candle in a lounge much less a person.

These were the wild times, but among them and balancing them were the hall conferences. I mean the times when you found yourself sitting in the hall at 4am with 6+ other people deeply engaged in discussion. Discussions about the nature of life, or relationship theory 101, or who is this god person anyway and what does he want from me. Silly unimportant conversations that defined world views. For there are still a few out there who prefer to puzzle out how the world works for themselves, instead of blindly accepting societies pre-packaged view. Those late night talks built more community than any program I ever even heard of. Community can’t be bought with food it must be earned, like trust, with honest feelings.

But that is all past… Now Hughes has gone more mainstream. The silent trying to slip by the years without making waves or letting a thought filter through their heads. Blindly accepting the pre-packaged symbols. I’m sure the new Hughes News will serve them well.

But I’m down from my high horse now, I’m just upset that it had to end this way.

Sitting in front of my computer with a shot of vodka and a sliver of citrus, I would like to propose some toasts.

To the Vampiric Nymph (with a glass of warm blood) for caring and letting me care.

To the Lady of the Loft (with a glass of the nectar of the gods) for being kind enough to create me.

To Gita (with the finest glass of wine that can be found in this universe) for helping me through it all.

To Swampthing (with a strange concoction that someone left fermenting in the kitchen cabinet a little to long) for keeping true to the old guard.

To Kevin (with a Mountain Dew BigGulp) for late night talks ranging from logic and language to god and the supernatural.

To Lee (with a shot of tequila (with the worm)) for being a good friend and an able leader.

To Heather (with whatever she wants) because it’s Heather’s duck.

To Roger (with whatever he has lying around) and pre-renovation 5th floor for the insanity.

To the old 4th floor for welcoming me up.

To the new 4th floor for letting me come back.

To the old 2nd floor for being home.

Now that I’m good and drunk lets add the final toast to Mr. Edwin Holt Hughes… thanks for the place to stay for a while.

I will miss you all more than you can ever know. I wish I had another four years to spend wandering the halls. I can not express to you what it has meant to me. I only hope you find your self a new skilled god or goddess to do the job of leading you to the absurd so you can stop and have tea with it.

Sir High Lord Zen
Defender of Wilted Plastic Roses
Knight of the Ping Pong Table
Wandering God
Todd Kusterer

HLZ

HIGH LORD ZEN

Well, while normally I’d like to say hello before going into letters, I just don’t have the space in this article. I got a letter, a really long letter which requires an even longer response. So here it goes.

Dear High Lord Zen,

In one of your recent articles you wrote about how no one alive can say whether the Bible is true of just a piece of fiction, and furthermore you tend to view it as fiction. Well, I’d like to see you answer the facts listed bellow. You seem to love to continue on and on about you opinions when there is no one to challenge you, let’s see if you’ve got the guts to print my challenge to you unedited and with a response that doesn’t simply avoid the question. And no excuses that you don’t have space cause you ramble on for pages about nymphs without worrying about spaces!

…SOMETHING HAS STOOD THE TEST OF TIME!

FACT:

There is a book in sixty-six parts, that was written over a time span of 1600 years, in three different languages, in five different literary styles, by over forty authors from three different continents, who were farmers, statesmen, poets, scholars, kings, physicians, fisherman, a rabbi, a general, and a shepherd. Also, many of these authors had never read anything another one had written. Yet despite this, it is a unified book without a single discrepancy, and a single theme as it covers hundreds of topics.

FACT:

There is a book in which many parts of it were written three thousand years ago when printing presses did not exist and materials were not easily preserved. Yet despite this, there are over 24,000 manuscript portions covering the entire book in existence today that have been proven to be authentic. The nearest book in manuscript authority is the Iliad with only 643 manuscripts

FACT:

There is a book that has been attacked repeatedly by atheistic philosophers, modernists, liberal theologians, rationalists, humanists, scientists, Communists, and countless others throughout time. Yet despite the fact more people have tried to disprove this book than any other, it not only survived, but triumphed. In the 18th century, Voltaire boasted that this book would soon be extinct, yet 50 years after his death, Voltaire’s house and press were used to print this book

FACT:

There is a book which has been proven time after time by scientific discoveries, despite the fact it is so old. Not once has science ever disproved it! 2,200 years before 15th century explorers discovered the world was round, this book described the Earth’s “sphericity.” Archaeologists have tried to disprove it only to confirm what it states in locations of civilizations and cities, historical figures, and accuracy of details associated with specific events.

FACT:

There is a book saturated with specific prophecies concerning nations, cities, historic events, and individuals that have been literally fulfilled in the most minute detail. In the 6th century B.C., seven specific things were predicted in relation to the city of Tyre. 200 years later, each of these prophecies were fulfilled with a mathematical probability of this happening equal to 1 in 7.5×107. 332 prophecies were made in regards to a single man in this book, and each one of them came true to the most minute detail, with countless thousands witnessing their fulfillment throughout an entire nation. The probability of even just 48 of these prophecies coming true is 1×10157!

FACT:

There is a book that has been printed over 7 billion times in over 1800 languages or dialects, and after 1900 years of existence, it is still loved, read and studied by millions. It is the best seller of all time! and it has transformed billions of lives like no other phenomena. It has a revolutionary effect on individuals in spite of their sex, age, nationality, ethnic origin, cultural heritage, social standing, occupation, intellectual attainment, religious background, or environment. Furthermore, countless millions have suffered death, mutilation, torture imprisonment, banishment, confiscation of properties, and ridicule to spread this book’s message.

WHAT BOOK COULD BE ALL OF THESE THINGS…
…ONLY A BOOK INSPIRED BY AN ALL POWERFUL GOD.
THIS BOOK IS THE BIBLE!

Still think the Bible’s fiction? If so, how do you explain away these facts? Pretty big coincidence I’d say, no?

- unsigned

We’ll start by looking at this letter one point at a time.

INTRO

I still maintain that no one alive can know if the bible is true. While normally someone can’t answer facts, what you have provided me is opinions that I will be more than happy to counter with my own opinions. In order for something to be called a fact it must be able to be shown to be true (either through empiricism or accepted logic). Most of your “facts” are derived as true for such reasons as it says so in the bible. If we are arguing the validity of the bible such arguments are meaningless.

I write my opinions whether there is someone to challenge me or not. It is usually more interesting if someone does challenge me, however it doesn’t happen terribly often. But you have issued your challenge. Now let me issue mine. Read what I have to say without using the Bible as an Absolute Truth defense and see how well it stands up.

A little bit of trivia: Every letter that has ever reached me has been published and responded to. None have been edited by me and I don’t think any have ever been edited (except perhaps for spelling). As for my rambling on for pages about Nymphs, I usually aim for a two page article. Some of the later ones last year got much longer, but I am concerned about length. Chara has asked that I even reduce my two pages. But as long as I do what I do letters will be answered. And the Vampiric [note to editor it is Vampiric not Vampire I don't care if it is a word or not] Nymph most annoyed at you for your disparaging comments.

“FACT 1″

Your point? I never said the Bible did not exist, only that it was quite possibly a work of fiction. On your opinion that the bible doesn’t contain a single discrepancy, I think you are sorely mistaken. Let me lead us in today’s bible readings. From the old testament Exodus 20:5 “…. For I the LORD your God am an impassioned God, visiting the guilt of the parents upon the children, upon the third and upon the fourth generations of those who reject Me, …” also look up Exodus 34:6 and Deuteronomy 5:8 if you are interested. Now let us continue our reading from Ezekiel 18:20 “The person who sins, he alone shall die. A child shall not share the guilt; nor shall a parent share the burden of a child’s guilt; the righteousness of the righteous shall be accounted to him alone, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be accounted to him alone.” For more readings you can also read Ezekiel 18:1.

And now from the new testament Matthew 27:5 “Then he [Judas] threw down the pieces of silver in the temple and departed, and went and hanged himself.” However in Acts 1:18 “… and falling headlong, he [Judas] burst open in a the middle and all his entrails gushed out. I think the above sufficiently shows contradiction in the bible.

So much for “without a single discrepancy.”

“FACT 2″

You could be right on this point. I haven’t done any research that contradicts you but I don’t see how it is relevant. I have never held the opinion that Bible does not exist, nor have I ever held the opinion that it is anything but a frightfully old book. Does accepting it as an old book mean I must accept that it is the book of the Divine Entity? Do I have to accept that it was inspired by the spirit of truth? No, in fact I find no compelling evidence that because it is an old book it must be the teachings of the Divine Entity.

“FACT 3″

I concede the Bible has been attacked for many years, and by many people, but your declaration of survival and triumph is another mater. What exactly do you mean by triumph? There has never been a time when more than a minority of the human race has accepted the Bible. If we were to accept your last statement that the Bible was inspired by an all powerful Divine Entity, then it would seem logical that the entire human race would instinctually know the bible as divine truth. But it appears to me that religion is at an all time low in power and influence. I wish you had included a reference to the Voltaire passage so I could look at it in context, but as with the rest of your “facts” they lack any sort of references.

“FACT 4″

For discussion on science’s agreement with the Bible I suggest you read “God and the Astronomers” by Isaac Asimov. One of the points brought up in that book is the question of the beginning of the universe. While both science and the Bible concur in that at some point the universe began, they have trouble agreeing on exactly when and how. By analyzing the bible various scholars have put the beginning of the universe at between 3761 BC and 5509 BC. Notably James Ussher, Archbishop of Armagh dated the creation of the universe at Oct, 23 4004 BC. Scientists have calculated the beginning of the universe to have occurred roughly 14,999,998,000 BC, give or take a hundred million years or so. I think we all know how many serious scientists believe in creationism over evolution. By the way, if you are going to broadly stereotype a group as either attacking the bible or proving it, I suggest you stay consistent within your stereotype.

Perhaps this more belongs in contradictions in the bible, but I haven’t found anywhere where the sphericity of the bible is described, however the flatness can be ascertained from Isaiah 40:22 and Matthew 4:8. And even if the reference is in there allow me to remind you that the Babylonians, Egyptians, and the Greeks (at the very least) knew the Earth was round. If there was ever a time when it was seriously believed among the learned that the world was flat it was during the dark ages when learning was stifled by the Christians.

As for the “fact” that the Bible is historically accurate, I will agree that it was written in the context of the real world of the time. However, if you go to any book store you can find a large number of fiction books that take place in the real world. You have not proved truth of the bible by saying it was written in the context of the real world.

“FACT 5″

This whole argument is a fallacy. Let us divorce it from absolute authority and see what we get. There is a book with a bunch of prophecies and they all came true. How do you know they all came true? Because the book said they did. Is there supporting evidence that the prophecies came true? From an outside source? Let us take the case of the Tyre prophecies, among those specific prophecies is the fact that Tyre shall never be rebuilt. Get out a world atlas and look up Tyre and you will find it has in fact been rebuilt. Not only that but those archaeologists that prove the bible took place in the context of the real world also prove that the Tyre of today stands over the Tyre of Biblical times (Take a look at August 1974 National Geographic). Another thing to consider is Greek mythology, the Oracle of Delphi made many prophecies all of which came true. Do you suggest Zeus is still wandering around Olympus somewhere? No, chances are you view the myths of the Greek as fictions. In case you missed it that is a highly hypocritical view.

Now to math…. Not many people will argue if I said the chance of the universe ending of Monday at 3:02pm was roughly .0000000001%, and if I said that the probability of the sun rising on Monday was about 100%, again not much argument. But what is the chance of me moving to the west coast in ten years? Now if we got every person in Hughes to make a judgement on that event we would get very diverse set of answers. It is very difficult to assign probabilities to an abstract event. Yet in order for your math to be compelling you would have to choose probabilities for each of those prophesies that everyone agrees with. You don’t provide any of the basis information that would compel me to believe your probabilities. You have not provided any math or a reference to math that might convince a thinking person that just because you suggest these things have this probability it is true. How does that famous quote go? “There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damn lies, and statistics.” I suggest this is the third sort of lie.

“FACT 6″

Yes the bible has been translated and printed a lot. That does not make it the truth according to the Divine Entity. This is the first actual fact (or it could be I haven’t checked your numbers.) in your letter. But evolution and the big bang are both phenomena that affected more people than the bible. I am not convinced that other major religions haven’t affected as many people. Another important point to make is that disco affected millions of peoples lives but that does not make disco the will of the Divine Entity. Furthermore, countless millions have suffered death, mutilation, torture imprisonment, banishment, confiscation of properties, and ridicule because they didn’t bow down to the current in vogue interpretation of the bible. But that is irrelevant to the truth of the bible.

CONCLUSION

Your conclusion does not follow. There is nothing your have said yet to convince me that the book is so horribly special that it must be accepted as inspired by an all powerful god. In fact in writing this article I have been convinced that the Bible was not inspired by a Divine Entity. There may or may not be a Divine Entity, but if there is a Divine Entity it most likely didn’t write the bible, at least in my opinion. In answer to your final statement (after translating to English, that a is high insult coming from me). Yes I still think the Bible is fiction. I’ve already explained the facts (thus, proving that they are not facts.) And I see no coincidence to speak of.

DISCLAIMER

If your belief in God, Jesus, Buddah, Allah, Odin, the number 42, or the Bible helps you get through the day then I support your efforts. I find the most of the above entities cloud any quest for a truth of significance, but I have neither the right nor desire to tell you to give up your safety blanket. What I do have the right to do is ask that if you wish to discuss religion, do it intelligently and with supporting sources. What I am trying to say, but keep getting sidetracked from, is this: If your belief in the Divine Entity and the bible helps you then more power to you, but if you interfere with my free thinking because of your beliefs then you have overstepped your bounds.

Until Later…

Sir High Lord Zen,
Knight of the Ping Pong Table,
Defender of the Wilted Plastic Roses,
Wandering God.

HLZ

HIGH LORD ZEN

Well children, time has passed and it is time I made some passing comments to my adoring public. Yes, I know I don’t really have an adoring public, but as a god I like to lie about such things to make myself feel (self) important.

I don’t really have a subject so we’ll open it up to the peanut gallery…. And the answer from peanut number 1 is blood. Blood the sweet, the sublime, the nectar, the blood. There are few drinks that can satisfy a divine thirst the way blood can. The still warm taste as you pour it down your throat from the still beating heart of your donor (victim.) Perhaps (like there is any question) I’m a warped and twisted god, but it seems like fun to me, besides the Vampiric Nymph thinks drinking blood is a lot of fun.

This reminds me of a moment of my pre-college days (about 1922 or so.) Me and a friend of mine (Vlad) were eating at one of those obnoxious food courts, (I think I was eating pizza, brad had a cinnabon (and was eating it amazingly slowly.)) We were sitting next to one of those old biddies who drive like 2 miles per hour in the left lane of the beltway during rush hour. So what does Vlad say? “You know this stuff doesn’t really have the same flavor and texture as human flesh.” The conversation went steadily down hill from there. I think human sacrifice came up. The looks we got from the biddy were priceless, damning and fatal, but priceless.

The second suggestion from the peanut gallery is lightswitches. I immediately responded, “Lovely Idea, why didn’t I think of that?” I was quickly informed that the problem was that I wasn’t stoned out of my mind on cinnamon (cinnamon keeps coming up this week, could this have something to do with the phase of the moon, and the alignment of planets? I don’t think so either.) Anyway, Lightswitches are really cool. I mean if there weren’t lightswitches we’d all have to use the clapper, and then we couldn’t make fun of them any more, and that would suck. Any way enough of that subject.

Normally I like to write something substantial (deep and meaningful,) but I made two earlier attempts to write meaningful Lord Zens, but all I got was introspective analysis of my souls, and I know you don’t care or want to care about my souls when you have your own to worry about. So most of you will never get to read those pieces.

Without further ado (yeah, right,) We’ll move to letters which haven’t shown up yet, (but I’m told They’re on their way.) Of course I’m sure I’ll edit out the above when they do show up (or maybe not.)

Your Highest Lordship to whom I’ve made a silent vow of loyalty,

I humbly thank thee for thine mention of me in thy last column. However, I must remedy a confusion of sorts, which mainly deals with semantics. Thou hast said, “large numbers of you never knew and don’t remember her.” This is not possible, for as I am a nymph, I have made my presence known to everyone, albeit in varying physical forms. Thus and consequentially, thou might knowest me in my true form (or one of them), while other beings, mortal or not, know me in another form (physical or otherwise). I beg thee to pardon my insolence in correcting a god, especially one of thy magnitude. I just wanted the plethora of followers thou hast to understand what might have otherwise fucked them up. Also, I thank thee for thy sweet inference that I am either special or beautiful or both. I am truly flattered.

Thine in Servitude,
Thy Vampiric Nymph.

A thousand pardons, I made the inappropriate assumption that you asked that I remember your physical manifestation to my followers. I should have realized the request was to remember the nature of nymphdom to them, allow me to correct my error (or oops.)

Allow me to introduce to everyone the nature of the Nymph, they are the part of us that couldn’t be bothered with growing up. The sweet children who remind us why we bother plodding through this world. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean that they are children they just posses the child’s nature. The nature that allows carefree frolicking in the halls. Each of us posses a little of this kernel, some possess a lot of this kernel, and they are the ones we call nymphs. It is this free roving and loving spirit that I wish to remember to you today. Thus is the nature of nymphdom, mind you the essence of the Vampiric Nymph is blindingly more complex than that. She possesses not only the nature of the nymph, but also the nature of the vampire, and a little bit of the lost child.

Well, I thought I’d have another letter but it hasn’t yet arrived so I’d like to pass on to you a piece of information that I was given the other night: The world is teal with a blue point gray border. Oh, I picked up a new title as well.

Later…

Sir High Lord Zen
Defender of Wilted Plastic Roses
Knight of the Ping Pong Table
Wanderer

HLZ

HIGH LORD ZEN (Never Released)

This is my second attempt at writing a Lord Zen for this period of time, for the first one I lacked energy a wound up with an article far to introspective for general consumption. Mind you as I sit down to write this one you may very well get the same thing. I think you all should know I’m feeling very alone in the world (to keep this at a humorous satire level I should interrupt with some quip on how few gods there are walking around but to be perfectly honest about it I don’t feel like writing such a thing.)

In the wake of my enlightening article on the existence of love, I now (right now) find myself feeling particularly bitter. I’m fostering a deep hatred for the me damned social system that leads to so much pain between men and women. In fact I’m getting that tight feeling in the chest, the feelings of abandonment from all the people I normally turn towards (mind you it’s not really their fault as most of them were absent when I went looking for them.)

I hate the world right now.

Around now it should become obvious that this one won’t reach general distribution either, it may make the mailing list, but that won’t allow me to say more than normally do since I write these things for the people on the list anyway, I understand some other people read them as well, but I certainly don’t know how that happens.

My aura is black, I want to just grab things and throw them at whatever I can, but ultimately I am bound, not by any sort of bounds, but simply by my own programming, a slave to the world I grew up in, a slave to society.

Have I mentioned I hate the world? Oh, I see that I have. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to go. I sit here barely holding back the tears. And I can’t even cry (it hardly would be appropriate seeing as I’m sitting in the middle of the lab and all.)

Since, I’m sitting here devoid of energy, I’ll end it now, may be someone will see it, maybe not, what difference does it make anyway since all it is me dumping all the pain I’ve accumulated inside on some poor unsuspecting souls who have been silly enough to call me friend.

It’s at this point that I would like to bid you all goodbye, find myself a dark cornerswathed in magic and dream of a time and place. A place where I can find happiness, hidden behind every turn in the road, a time when all the roads ultimately lead to Nirvana. When all my pain and all the torment drains out of my body, the ache in my neck and back relaxes. The sea of stress that I sail calms, and I attain lucidity.

But more likely I’ll just sit in decrepid agony and watch the world slowly spin by leaving me to pick up the dust.

Later my children.

Sir High Lord Zen
Knight of the Ping Pong Table
Defender of Wilted Plastic Roses
Lost Child

HLZ

HIGH LORD ZEN (Never Released)

I think I’ll start this article off Largely the way I start the rest of my articles. Hello my children, I have returned. No big surprises yet. In case you missed it, up to this point, I’m feeling particularly unguided in this article. My original conception was to write a bitter article to offset my writings on the existence of love however I don’t think I really have the energy to raise the emotional fervor necessary to relay a true sense of bitterness… Maybe it will come to me later on in the article, maybe not. But that still leaves me with very little in the way of guiding direction to turn this wild and crazy free flow of ideas into an article. I think I’ll start a new paragraph now, this one is getting long.

We’ll I figure when lost, go back to the beginning. I don’t really think that, but tonight I think it might lead me to some interesting thoughts (Yes, I know I’m alone in this thought.) In the beginning I was created by the warped and twisted mind of a soul in torment. I like that beginning it has a sort of ring to it. Torment comes in many forms; there is the pain you feel while basking in the 284th layer of abyss being constantly disembowelled by a demon (who bears a striking resemblance to Eddie from the cover of Iron Maiden album covers,) But none of us are likely to admit being able to commiserate with that kind of torment until we have our little keg party in hell. So most likely that was not the kind of torment my soul was experiencing.

I really haven’t decided what kind it was yet, and since this is a revisionist’s history I don’t have to let myself get bogged down by little details, like facts. More likely the kind of pain I was experiencing was derived from the way I lead my life (social interaction even (should be said with a snagglpuss accent,)) I existed on the edges of society, mind you not just one but lots of societies. But most likely you don’t care about the details (details are irrelevant) come to think about it what do you care about.

Somehow I wrote the right words (probably something along the lines of ‘I’m a god’) and convinced some people that I am a deity, but it was never clear in anything I have come to understand what you want. It is only through you that I exist, without you, I’m just a random mal-adjusted post teen college student with dreams of grandeur. Well enough of this, I don’t know that I like where this is going. I think it would involve far to much work to keep it entertaining, so I think I’ll change the subject.

As you will notice by the time you finish reading this article I have no letter today. Kind of disappointing, but than it dawned on me, “why Zen, the reason you have no letter to guide you in the thinking of your disciples is because you forgot to tell them that there input is welcome and that they should send all letters to (gee, let me think, I guess letters should go to the new editor (thank you and good job Chara”) mind you I haven’t asked her yet so perhaps they’ll somewhere else and this bit will be edited out.) Pretty complex thought for a dawning, you did see the little light bulb didn’t you? So send letters to 406 Hughes hall, and all the rest of that drek. So next week there will be no simple excuse, and I do hate complex excuses. So don’t make me work so hard, send me a letter I can work with, something to guide and direct my piddling musings.

It’s at this point that I would like to bid you all goodbye, find myself a dark corner swathed in magic and dream of a time and place. A place where I can find happiness, hidden behind every turn in the road, a time when all the roads ultimately lead to Nirvana. When all my pain and all the torment drains out of my body, the ache in my neck and back relaxes. The sea of stress that I sail calms, and I attain lucidity.

But more likely I’ll just do my homework, seeing as I have exhausted this avenue of procrastination.

Later my children.

Sir High Lord Zen
Knight of the Ping Pong Table
Defender of Wilted Plastic Roses
Lost Child

HLZ

HIGH LORD ZEN

Hello my children. Since we last talked much has happened, for example my suggestion that everyone skip classes until such a time as they felt it was appropriate that they go to school was followed by nearly everyone… Do you blame them? I could go on to talk about how cold it was and other drek, but not only is that been beat to death it is also akin to talking about the weather and who wants to do that? It’s difficult to retain divine status talking about the weather (human sacrifice, happiness, love and death are much more conducive to your followers believing in you.)

I would like to quote Vladimir Nabokov (from Lolita if you must know, and completely out of context) “There occur maidens who, to certain bewitched travelers … reveal their true nature which is not human, but nymphic (that is, demonic); and these chosen creatures I propose to designate as ‘nymphets.’” I bring this up seemingly completely out of context in regards to a sacred oath I undertook to a certain vampiric nymph. I swore to remember her to you (I never quite understood what that meant especially since large numbers of you never knew and don’t remember her.) So, the question still remains, if all this is true why am I remembering her to you? I can give you two answers: First every nymph is special and should never be forgotten even if you never knew her, and second even a divinity is subject to the guile’s of a beautiful woman (read your mythology.)

Now I’ve got a letter, I’ve read it before I printed here and I think it is one of the best…

Dear Sir High Lord Zen,

I really like your column - the originality, cleverness, wit, and intelligence is refreshing Especially because “the Eagle” blows! Around finals you posed the question as to whether anyone really believed so much in an afterlife that they weren’t afraid to die. Well I can offer an interesting twist to this…

Probably because of the anxiety of finals, I had some sort of a nightmare. I dreamed that I would NEVER die. I grew old, all of my friends and family died, but I just wouldn’t die. It was hell. I was completely lonely, I couldn’t work because I was decrepit (a couple centuries will do that) I woke up in a cold sweat. Death isn’t such an awful concept after all.

So I have another issue I would like you to shed some of your light on. I realize this is not a tacky advice column… I don’t want advice, I’m just wondering about this concept in general… can a man really love a woman, want to marry her, but not be particularly sexually attracted to her? In fact what is love? I think the ultimate love is Jesus Christ on the cross (take him as a literary figure if you must) Does any other type of love exist? Does man just make it up? I have friend who thinks love doesn’t exist, only sexual attraction I don’t want to believe this. What does a “Sir High Lord Zen” like yourself have to say?

A Hughes Dudette

You have hit many wonderful points, and we shall begin as always at the beginning, with dreams. I’m not very good with them myself… In the past three years I can recall three dreams. Following the green grass theory, I think they are great. Even the nightmares are a little bit of reality… not the ordinary kind, but the kind you make yourself. I’ve spent hours wishing that I dreamed… I understand intellectually that I dream but never recall what the dreams are, but still… To see the things in my own head, without having to be responsible for them, what else could I ask? (A vampiric nymph perhaps?) I shall avoid the obvious temptation of analyzing your dream for one very important reason. By example: Sit a bunch of lit majors or college writing students down, hand them a completely meaningless poem you wrote yourself. Instruct them to analyze this poem and leave. Come back in an hour and you will find you are a sexual deviant with the desire to commit suicide to spite your lovers from another life (which you are having flashbacks to.) You think I’m kidding? Try it. So instead I’m going to move on to question the existence of love between men and women.

Without a word of hedging I’m going to say that love exists and is one of the primal forces that control a man or woman. It is very important that you don’t confuse my meaning, I don’t mean lust (it does exist and drives to many peoples actions, but it is not primal (it stems from ones desire to be accepted and have pretty token of status next to them or in the log books.)) True Love (no laughing) has nothing to do with physical appearances or sexual attraction, it has to do with finding someone whose soul is enough like yours for you to be comfortable, but enough different not to drive you crazy. This has been warped by social, societal, and language influences so that what we call love now carries more baggage of lust than it does of love. But love certainly exists. It is true that society has mixed it with lust, and the more or less primal instinct (left over from when we hung out on tree branches) to procreate. This instinct mixed with our ability to make sparks, and we confused the need for intellectual love with the need to perpetuate the species. Thus the beast called romantic love was born. But before I go off on a tangent, let us get down form the high and lofty philosophies to the land of simple answers; Yes, a man can love a woman, and want to marry her without being particularly sexually attracted to her, I hope I don’t have to say the opposite is also possible (and the saving grace of us men.) Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen often as we are enthralled by the society that raised us. A society far to concerned with status symbol mentality of love. Before I begin to repeat myself (hoping by repetition it will slip by people who have already decided to ignore it) we’ll continue onward.

If I had more time I would like explore the question of Jesus Christ as literary figure, as philosopher, as leader, and as god. The last being the only one I have real reservations. I don’t question that there may have been a carpenter who was a great spiritual leader of his people, nor do I blindly accept this as true. It is just as possible that the new testament is a quality piece of fiction. No one now living is truly qualified to answer the question. But as for the matter of him being a god… That I must question.

By the way I’m not a Sir High Lord Zen, I am The Sir High Lord Zen. Got to keep the ego in good working shape.

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Without further ado, I’ll let you leave this spell binding text of the oh so Highest quality… Yeah, whatever…

Sir High Lord Zen
Defender of Wilted Plastic Roses
Knight of the Ping Pong Table

HLZ

HIGH LORD ZEN

Well my children by my reckoning we have returned from the all desired winter break (must be careful not to insult any particular religions.) I had fun, despite the overwhelming image that I never do. But then it ended this struck me as a particularly bad time for the break to end, I mean right at the end. I was just getting into the full swing of the break and it ended. Personally I think school should not be allowed to begin until at least the 20th. I suggest that everyone skip all classes until you feel it’s time for classes to begin. No one will notice. We have to have some sort of decorum and sense of time off. But no, AU has called us back before our time so what else is new.

The other day I was watching some crazed lunatics crash into other crazed lunatics in an insane attempt to get a ball from one end of a field to another (There were some people making inane comments throughout. I was thinking to myself “I wonder if Battlestar Galactica is on the Sci-Fi channel?” Mind you I didn’t dare speak up or I would risk decapitation. Instead it occurred to me to begin thinking about the deification of sporting events. I imagined the devotees (sports fans) coming before the sacred alter (television) to see the fighting of a crusades like affair. Every once in a while jumping up and screaming because their patron saints beat up on someone else’s patron saints. The devotees sat in rapt attention quoting bits of trivia about there holy warriors and discussing strategy to win the Great Holy War this year. You get the picture.

Maybe it’s a twisted view but the basic truth is that when one of these events are played on television there is more attendance than most churches and more emotional fervor is support of these teams. Mind you I don’t suggest supporting your local church my point is that I personally don’t see what can be so exciting about watching a bunch of other people play sports. I can see the fun of playing yourself but watching other people? What’s the point (I’m getting repetitive so I’ll stop now.)

You will be happy to know that the first letter arrived a couple days ago (probably longer since there is such a delay between when I first write these things and they actually get put up in the hall) so without to much delay I shall print it.

Dear Sir High Lord Zen,

Hello! So what does one write to someone who sends mail via bathroom stall doors?

What is your real name? Why do you write these papers? And I don’t want some story about defending ping pong tables.

Your last issue was definitely your best in my opinion. I Steve continues to slack off, I suggest you go independent. After all, think of the potential profits of being your own publisher? Well… maybe not.

I’ve been swamped with finals too, so I hear ya when you write about how much of a pain in the butt they are. I thought your last questions about the existence of God was the most interesting. You didn’t write your view though. I’ve got my own opinions too, but I doubt you want to hear them seeing how “enlightened” you claim to be.

That is enough for now. If you want to write back, you know where to send it - the bath room. Hey, I can’t have you knowing who I am if you won’t tell me who you are! My alias will be John, a nice uncommon name. If you don’t write back, I ain’t sending anything ever again, I can’t be wasting my time now, can I?

Now time for some answers: If you seek my name look for it, it is known but only if you know where to look. But you shall never hear it from me… Long ago there was the creation and during the creation the rules were set among these rules was the fact that I must never say my name in print, another of the rules is that I continuously question role of the church and other authority figures. A rule I have not fully carried out this year I have found myself to mired in reality to fully appreciate the supernatural and the more weird and bizarre aspects of our lives. I’ve failed to write about dining on Olympus or battling demons in Gehenna. Please accept my most humble (because everyone knows I am nothing if not humble) apologies and I swear upon the lifeblood of my creator to fulfil all parts of my contract again.

As for why I write these papers there are two reasons, first off once upon a time there was a secretary for Hughes Hall, and he asked me, “Yo, Zen, why don’t you write me a column for the Hughes News?” And so it was begun. The Real and supernatural bent and I was pulled through the rift and entreated to entertain. Why I continue rests further in the feeling of freedom one gets from randomly posting whatever I want for the world (well at least Hughes) to read. And so even after that secretary has left I continue to write. Besides someone must defend the wilted plastic roses.

I thank you for the compliment I should hope that as time goes on we will continue to learn and grow and entertain with more skill and style. But hopes are rarely fulfilled short of the use of high explosives. As for my views on the existence of God they are neither simple nor new. Most of the people who have lived in Hughes before have been forced to listen for hours and hours about my beliefs regarding a divine entity. So I am torn between moving on for the veterans or restating things that people have already heard for the rookies. Generally, I choose to move on (besides I’m not really in th mood to spend hours deciding what I believe today, and then spend the time to write it out in form easy for everyone to understand,) but I must stop to say that my views of the divine entity have no more validity than yours. And I always enjoy hearing a fresh idea, anything that will provoke a thought is welcome.

I hope that I have proved sufficiently interesting to cause you to write back in the future, or at least entertaining enough for you to continue to read. Until our paths cross again.

Sir High Lord Zen,
Knight of the Ping Pong Table,
Defender of Wilted Plastic Roses

HLZ

HIGH LORD ZEN

I feel dead inside…. Just thought I should warn you. It happens all the time you watch one of the high school love story movies and the next thing you know you feel dead inside… Like someone ripped open your gut and tore your heart out (yes I know it’s not the most efficient way to rip a heart out physically but that’s the way they did it.)

You sit there and realized you have never lived and all your chances at life are slowly slipping between your fingers. Time gone. I have very few words of advice (observation is my strong point not advice,) but if ignore everything else I say listen to this…. LIVE. Don’t be concerned with the politically correct and the track towards a successful job at a law firm or plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills. As hackneyed and cliched as it is… Live for the moment.

I am older than most of you and I’ve grown to this age tactfully avoiding engagement keeping people at a certain distance… staying safe… unhurt. Well maybe I want to be hurt. Maybe I want to have my heart and soul crushed beneath the collective feet of society if it means for just a few minutes I can live. Resist the conventional with all your soul… avoid what is expected of you and do what you want to do… Not for my sake (though I benefit in a bizarre and twisted way) but for yours. Most of all Feel.

Well off my high horse I just had to say something while the emptiness was fresh and the emotion pure.

As it stands I still haven’t gotten any letters so I get to fill the space with more of my own ravings. You know if I ever publish memoirs I think I’m going to call them “Dialogue with a Madman.” Just thought I’d let you know. Ever sit in class staring intently at the hair on the back of the head of the person in front of you. Ever wonder where they will be in fifteen years think about the fact that they could be running a major corporations or be chief of staff. They could decide if you lived or die. It’s usually around then that they ask if “were going to be tested on that?” Then you realize they are going to be leading the world and they are going to be doing if from that perspective. “Are the voters going to test me on that?”

Well on that cheery and optimistic note for the future I will take my leave of you.

Sir High Lord Zen
Knight of the Ping Pong Table
Defender of Wilted Plastic Roses
Lost Child.

HLZ

HIGH LORD ZEN

The time is upon us as it is every year in fact twice a year… You know what I mean Finals The time of year when you can send a sample of my blood to a chemical analysis and they’d tell you it’s some sort of obscure caffeine derivative. The time of year when if you get three hours of sleep you’re thinking cool. Stress, adrenaline, and caffeine keep you alive in the sense that you are alive during finals.

I’d argue that during finals each and every one of us for some time or another goes blissfully insane… what else could drive you (short of threat to life) to lengths that you go to during this time of year. And while I’m on the subject what is it about our society that finds it acceptable to twice a year subject a large part of it’s population through what we call finals… Papers, projects, more projects.

I haven’t gone to sleep before 5am for the last week I’m working twenty hour days. Rushing and rushing hoping to get done before the deadlines. And the tests haven’t even begun this is just for the pre-tests. And we sit here and find this normal. Sure I kind of enjoy the sense of being alive all the pressure gives you. I sort of like riding the adrenaline wave. But I know it’s killing me how long can a body survive on less than four hours of sleep a day and the adrenaline and caffeine high keeps you from noticing that you haven’t eaten all day. I’m working myself into an early grave… I may be an extreme case but not horribly. This is a completly insane and unfeasible system… feels like home doesn’t it?

Well as you probably noticed this is not the Hughes News. It seems my editor (Steve) doesn’t feel like he’s under sufficient pressure to publish regularly now that he’s off campus so I had to break away and do my own production. We’ll see if Steve gets into shape or whether I go independent.

Anyway if you notice there is no letters there never have been this semester… If you have your letter but didn’t know what to do with it, let me tell you…. Drop it off with Lee Randazzo or some derivative of that last name lives somewhere on fourth floor (408) But since there are no letters I get sit and contemplate the nature of god…

No seriously I wonder how many people believe in a divine entity… I don’t mean on an intellectual level I mean on a emotional level. I mean who emotionally could not fear death because they were going to heaven or the equivalent for non Christian based religions (Nirvana, reincarnation, others) Well I’m out of space just as things were getting interesting.

Sir High Lord Zen
Defender of the Wilted Plastic Rose
Knight of the Ping Pong Table

HLZ

HIGH LORD ZEN

A thousand, thousand years ago I emerged from the viscous chaos and I was given a name… I am Lord Zen.

Those of you who were around last year know of me the newbies are sitting there going “Huh?” about now. Just accept it. It’s not a bad thing…. It’s a good thing. A very good thing. I will try to answer all your questions… but I will not try to anticipate them as this is more work than I feel like investing in this column… All the effort of becoming one with the universe finding all the questions that exist than narrowing it down to just the ones from AU… losing the sense of oneness that normally one has when communing with reality. Just to find the questions then I’d have to answer the questions. However I encourage you to write to me to make my life that much easier… that way you can write this column instead of having me do it. So if you have a question, comment, death threat, etc just send it along to Lord Zen c/o Lee Randazo in 408.

I know I said I wouldn’t return but I lied. I returned for two reasons first of all it was necessary to vent my great wisdom and Godliness (Ha!) lest I implode (with my sense of self importance.) leaving my corporeal body to take my place in the stars and that would be messy… I’d get ectoplasm all over my walls and that’s quite difficult to clean if you’ve never tried…. Besides It’s a rented dimension.

But the main reason I returned was that someone has failed in their duty me and Steve created a fine paper we put our blood and sweat into creating the… Hughes News. The other halls were green with envy. Residents from other dorms would sneak in the middle of the night just to read our paper. We had tradition we had style… we had cool fonts for the title. And here it is midterms and there has only been one Hughes News and that has been RHA smiling and trying to convince you they are nice guys. I know Lee if you give him a few drinks you better be careful he might hit you… accidently of course.

To condense the above is simple it all boils down to…. I’m back… you best be careful around open flames. Old news is over time for the new news… I understand we have a new RD who is really cool what a change… and I thought Hughes was cursed. Well whoever you are Mr/Ms/Mrs RD welcome aboard… I know it’s a little late but hey I’ve been out of circulation… heck I don’t even know your name see what happens when you miss those opening mandatory meetings.

Parents weekend just passed and again I feel it’s my duty to point out what drek the whole thing really is. I know a professor who goes to it to hear how wonderful he is and how great the faculty is. And we all know there are always streamers and balloons in the lobby. I no longer eat at TDR but I’m sure they put table clothes on the tables and served something edible to keep the parents support. And of course the weekly heritage festivals are all perfectly normal. But enough of that I’m out of here…

Sir High Lord Zen
Knight of the Ping Pong Table
Defender of Wilted Plastic Roses

HLZ