Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
- Dave Barry
You can’t be a Real Country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least, you need a beer.
- Frank Zappa, 1940 - 1993
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
- Stephen Wright
Before you order a drink in public, you should read
this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if
they could nail a woman’s personality based on what
she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they
concurred on almost all counts. The results
Beer:
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Blender Drinks:
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the
ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her
cabana boy.
Mixed Drinks:
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance,
has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. If
she’s interested, she’ll send YOU a drink.
Wine (does not include White Zinfandel):
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated
yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend
quiet evenings with friends.
White Zinfandel:
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and
sophisticated, actually she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is . .
. this should be an easy target.
Shots:
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and
looking to get totally drunk… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have
been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be
careful not to make her mad!
Tequila: No explanations required - everyone just
KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum - The deal with guys
is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get
laid.
Wine: He’s hoping that the wine will give him a
sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn’t give a damn about anything but
getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the
toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He’s gay!
100 little bugs in the code,
100 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code…..
(Repeat until BUGS = 0)
A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a
local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun
holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a
long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about
how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it
was the root of all the city’s problems.
Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said,
“Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end
of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad
person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I
provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local
service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities.
Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the
occasional glass of scotch!”
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point
my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such
a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed…”
“Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a
sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?”
“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never
touched my lips.”
“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from
a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”
“Well, I really don’t know ….”
“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I’ll buy you a
drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that “evil” is not inside the
glass, it’s inside the person.”
“Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s
out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in
the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must
admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”
“Well let’s go inside and settle this”
“No my son, I could never enter such a place… but how about
this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this “scotch” you
mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”
“You’re on!” said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He
went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the
rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please”
The bartender sighed and said,
“Is that f—ing nun out there again?”
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
- Indubitably
- Innovative
- Preliminary
- Proliferation
- Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
- Specificity
- British Constitution
- Passive-aggressive disorder
- Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
- Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
- Nope, no more beer for me.
- Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
- Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight.
- Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.
Stage 1 – SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the
entire bar and that people want you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they want you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet, ’cause you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the WORLD.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART, you know all the words.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the
brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy
from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like
the world’s best beer, a Corona.”
The bartender dusted off a bottle from the shelf and gave
it to him.
The head of Budweiser said, “I’d like the best beer in the
world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.”
The bartender gave him one.
The Coors chief said, “I’d like the only beer made with
Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.”
The bartender got it.
The Guinness man sat down and stated, “Give me a Coke.”
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gave it to him.
The other brewery presidents looked at him and asked,
“Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”
The Guinness president replied, “Well, I figured if you
guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”
If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw
the kind of party where your guests wake up today and call you up to
say they had a nice time. Now you’ll be expected to throw another
party next year.
What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your
guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find
out if they’ve been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be
so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately
start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to
prevent you from having another one.
So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity
Level:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano,
sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d’oeuvres.
Your guests are talking loudly - sometimes to each other and sometimes
to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing “I
Gotta Be Me” around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing
down hors d’oeuvres.
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing “I
Can’t Get No Satisfaction,” gulping other people’s drinks, wolfing
down Christmas-tree ornaments and placing hors d’oeuvres in the
upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.
Your guests have hors d’oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies,
are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The
piano is missing.
You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you
rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level
Four. The best way to get to Level Three is eggnog.
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
people wonder where the word “eggnog” comes from. The first syllable
comes from the English word “egg,” meaning, “egg.” I don’t know where
the “nog” comes from.
To make eggnog, you’ll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are
in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl.
Then induce your guests to drink this mixture.
If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
unless your party is very successful, in which case they will lob tear
gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure
they don’t arrest anybody. Or if they’re dead set on arresting
someone, your job is to make sure it isn’t you. The best way to do
this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them
you’re not doing anything illegal. Here’s how to handle it:
No, really, I’m OK to drive”
I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see
who I am going home with.
“I’m not used to these darts”
I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue
when I am this bombed.
“Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes” (male to female)
You would look great face down in my lap.
“You get this one, next round is on me”
We won’t be here long enough to get another round.
“I’ll get this one, next one is on you”
Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the
next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.
“I haven’t seen you around here for a long time”
You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??
“Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your
attractive friend into a compromising position.
“Lets get out of here”
I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy’s
helmet.
“Can I get a glass of white zinfindel” (female)
I’m easy.
“Can I get a glass of white zinfindel” (male)
I’m gay.
“Ever try a body shot?” (male to female)
I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick
you.
“Ever try a body shot?” (female to male)
If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you
on the ride home?
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home” (female)
You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
“I don’t feel well, lets go home” (male)
I’m horny.
“I’ve had like 10 beers already”
I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
“Who’s got the next round?”
I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at
diverting attention.
“Excuse Me” (male to male)
Get the fuck out of the way.
“Excuse Me” (male to female)
I am going to grope you now.
“Excuse Me” (female to male)
Don’t even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.
“Excuse Me” (female to female).
Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not
all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming
in here dressing like a ho…Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap
you, bitch, like the slut you are.
“I’m out of here, I have to work in the morning”
I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have
been avoiding him since football season.
“What do you have on tap?”
What’s cheap?
“Can I have a white Russian?” (male)
I’m really gay.
“Can I have a white Russian?” (female)
I’m really easy.
“You go ahead, I’ll catch a cab”
I already lined up a ride home with your “ex”.
“That person looks really familiar”
Did I sleep with him/her?
“Can I just get a glass of water?” (female)
I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.
“Can I just get a glass of water?” (male)
It’s 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago. Hell, I probably
dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you
can do for me.
“Do you have any Wild Turkey?”
I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him
in the morning.
“I don’t have my ID on me” (female)
I’m 19.
“I don’t have my ID on me” (male)
I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .4
after my last visit here.