From Allusions to Illusions
You have to be an old techie to get them all.
If IBM made toasters…
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters…
You could toast one-sided or double-sided.
Successive slices would get lighter […]
If you receive an e-mail entitled “Boosh the Good Time Prez”, delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on discs within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on all […]
SuperMac records a certain number of technical support calls at random, to keep tabs on customer satisfaction. By wild “luck”, they managed to catch the following conversation on tape.
Some poor SuperMac TechSport got a call from some middle level official… from the legitimate government of Trinidad. The fellow spoke very good English, and fairly […]
#In the beginning was the computer. And God said
:Let there be light!
#You have not signed on yet.
:God.
#Enter user password.
:Omniscient.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Omnipotent.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Technocrat.
#And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
[…]
Programming Languages are like Women
There are so many programming languages available that it can be very
difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one
for you. On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to
them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular […]
DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to […]
“We’ve got a problem, HAL.”
“What kind of problem, Dave?”
“A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn’t going anywhere. We’re way short of our sales plan.”
“That can’t be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world’s most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer.”
“I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they’re not selling.”
“Please […]
9.9999973251
It’s a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362
It’s Close Enough, We Say So
7.9999414610
Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538
You Don’t Need to Know What’s Inside
5.9999835137
Redefining the PC — and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021
We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917
Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619
Why Do You Think They Call It Floating Point?
1.9999103517
We’re Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998
The Errata Inside
When you are counting objects, you go
“0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…”.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says “If you don’t turn off that darn machine and come
to bed, then I am going to divorce you!”, and you chastise her for for
omitting the else clause.
When you […]
A man complained to his friends, “my elbow really hurts. I guess I
should see a doctor.”
His friend offered, “Don’t do that! There’s a computer at the drug
store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
[…]
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