Virtual Illusions

You have to be an old techie to get them all.

If IBM made toasters…
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters…
You could toast one-sided or double-sided.
Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters…
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If University of Waterloo made toasters…
They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.

If ParcPlace made toasters…
Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

If Oracle made toasters…
They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters…
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?…
They made good toasters in the ’80s, didn’t they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters…
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters…
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters…
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters…
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters…
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters…
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters…
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters…
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters…
“Baby’s First Toaster” would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters…
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If CostCo made toasters…
They’d be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of ‘em.

And, of course:
If Microsoft made toasters…
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster’95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters…
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

Computers

If you receive an e-mail entitled “Boosh the Good Time Prez”, delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on discs within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on all your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play. It will program your phone to auto-dial the Moral Majority.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer - for God sakes are you listening !?!? - It will leave dirty socks on your coffee table when you are expecting company.

Then this virus gets down to business. It will send itself to the main computer at your place of employment where it’ll will rewrite corporate profit reports causing a huge downsizing of employees. Those who employees who don’t get laid off will have to kiss ass and do the work of twenty just to keep their jobs … and with less pay.

Then this virus is off to the Government’s main computer systems where pollution policies will be deleted or destroyed. Bogus studies will appear showing a huge tax surplus for the distant future and ignore any concern over the future of social security.

It will cause huge sums of money to flow into the upper 1% of America’s bank accounts while the rest of us wonder where our paycheck went.

It will subvert school studies to show that all students really need is school prayer and enough basic education to punch a clock and stay off welfare. Scientific studies will show that the world was really only created six thousand years ago. Oh and by the way it’s flat.

Then gas prices will go up with Big Oil profits (str ange how that works). But down will go wages, pollution standards, and complex thinking. The arms race will start again, other countries will hate us, and the words “Fortress America” will appear again after sixty-five years.

***WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN***

And don’t blame the current President. Studies will show it’s the fault of the previous administration (unless we have good times then bring on the applause). And don’t blame the rest of us cause we-voted-with-the-majority.

Computers, Government

SuperMac records a certain number of technical support calls at random, to keep tabs on customer satisfaction. By wild “luck”, they managed to catch the following conversation on tape.

Some poor SuperMac TechSport got a call from some middle level official… from the legitimate government of Trinidad. The fellow spoke very good English, and fairly calmly described the problem.

It seemed there was a coup attempt in progress at that moment. However, the national armoury for that city was kept in the same building as the Legislature, and it seems that there was a combination lock on the door to the armoury. Of the people in the capitol city that day, only the Chief of the Capitol Guard and the Chief Armourer knew the combination to the lock, and they had already been killed.

So, this officer of the government of Trinidad continued, the problem is this. The combination to the lock is stored in a file on the Macintosh, but the file has been encrypted with the SuperMac product called Sentinel. Was there any chance, he asked, that there was a “back door” to the application, so they could get the combination, open the armoury door, and defend the Capitol Building and the legitimately elected government of Trinidad against the insurgents?

All the while he is asking this in a very calm voice, there is the sound of gunfire in the background. The Technical Support guy put the person on hold. A phone call to the phone company verified that the origin of the call was in fact Trinidad. Meanwhile, there was this mad scramble to see if anybody knew of any “back doors” in the Sentinel program.

As it turned out, Sentinel uses DES to encrypt the files, and there was no known back door. The Tech Support fellow told the customer that aside from trying to guess the password, there was no way through Sentinel, and that they’d be better off trying to physically destroy the lock.

The official was very polite, thanked him for the effort, and hung up. That night, the legitimate government of Trinidad fell. One of the BBC reporters mentioned that the casualties seemed heaviest in the capitol, where for some reason, there seemed to be little return fire from the government forces.

Computers, Government, Technology, Urban Legends

#In the beginning was the computer. And God said

:Let there be light!

#You have not signed on yet.

:God.

#Enter user password.

:Omniscient.

#Password Incorrect. Try again!

:Omnipotent.

#Password Incorrect. Try again!

:Technocrat.

#And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.

:Let there be light!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again!

:Create light.

#Done.

:Run heaven and earth.

#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1.

#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.

:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and

#Unrecognizable command! Try again!

:Create firmament.

#Done.

:Run firmament.

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2.

#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.

:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and

#Too many characters in string specification! Try again.

:Create dryland.

#Done!

:Run dryland.

#And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.

#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.

:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night.

#Unspecified type. Try again!

:Create sunmoonstars.

#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.

#Approx. funds remaining: $54:00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.

:Create fish.

#Done.

:Create fowl.

#Done.

:Run fish’nfowl.

#And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
every winged fowl after its kind. 0 errors.

#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.

#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.

:Create cattle.

#Done.

:Create creepy things.

#Done.

:Now let us make man in our image.

#Unspecified type! Try again.

:Create man.

#Done.

:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
earth.

#Too many command operands! Try again.

:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated. 6 errors.

:Insert breath.

#O.K.

:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated. 5 errors.

:Move man to Garden of Eden.

#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

:Create Gard.En.

#Done.

:Move man to Gard.En.

#O.K.

:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

:Copy woman from man.

#O.K.

:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated. 3 errors.

:Insert woman into man.

#Illegal parameters. Try again!

:Insert man into woman.

#O.K.

:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated. 2 errors.

:Create desire.

#Done.

:Run multiplication.

#And God saw man’nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.

#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

:Create freewill.

#Done.

:Run freewill.

#And God saw man’nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.

#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

:Undo desire.

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

:Destroy freewill.

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Help!

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Create Treeofknowledge.

#And God saw man’nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.

#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

:Create good’nevil.

#Done.

:Activate evil.

#And God saw he had created shame.

#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man’nwoman not in Gard.En.

#1 errors.

:Scan Gard.En. for man’nwoman.

#Man’nwoman cannot be located. Try again!

:Search Gard.En. for man’nwoman.

#Search failed.

:Delete shame.

#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

:Destroy freewill.

#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

:Stop!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

:Break

:Break

:Break

#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE
SIGN OFF.

:Create new world.

#You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy
old files before new ones can be created.

:Destroy earth.

#Destroy earth. Please confirm.

:Destroy earth confirmed.

#COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY
MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!

#And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.

#And God saw he had zero funds remaining.

Computers, Religion

Programming Languages are like Women

There are so many programming languages available that it can be very
difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one
for you. On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to
them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming
languages that describes what kind of women they would be if
programming languages were women.

Assembler

- A female track star who holds all the world speed
records.

She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can
cook up any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is
not beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables like “MOV,
JUMP, INC”. She has a fierce and violent temper that make her the
choice of last resort.

FORTRAN

- Your grey-haired grandmother.

People make fun of her just because she is old, but if you take the
time to listen, you can learn from her experiences and her
mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired many useful skills in
sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) that no younger women can
match, so be thankful she is still around. She has a notoriously bad
temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was
mostly her bad temper that made grandad search for another wife.

COBOL

- A plump secretary.

She talks far too much, and most of what she says can be ignored. She
works hard and long hours, but can’t handle really complicated
jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes
working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows
bland recipes.

BASIC

- The horny divorcee that lives next door.

Her specialty is seducing young boys and it seems she is always
readily available for them. She teaches them many amazing things, or
at least they seem amazing because it is their first experience. She
is not that young herself, but because she was their first lover the
boys always remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are
mediocre, but largely irrelevant, its the frolicking that the boys
like.

The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some
fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But
generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly
influenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like
Miss Pascal.

PL/I

- A bordello madam.

She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high heels. At one time
she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems overweight and
tacky. Tastes change.

C

- A lady executive.

An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative. Is a good cook if
you like spicy food. Unless you double check everything you say
(through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is
still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will
grow up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more
sophisticated character.

ALGOL 60

- Your fathers wartime sweetheart, petite, well
proportioned, and sweet tempered.

She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad still talks
about her shapely form and their steamy romance. He never actually
tasted much of her cooking, but they did exchange simple recipes by
mail.

Pascal

- A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60’s younger sister.

Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a
good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot
(module).

Modula II

- A high-school teacher and Pascal’s daughter.

Very much like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than
one pot.

ALGOL 68

- Algol 60’s niece.

A high-society woman, well educated and terse. Few men can fully
understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still discuss her
mysterious personality. She is very choosy about her romances and
won’t take just any man as her lover. She hasn’t been seen lately, and
rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower.

LISP

- She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with
her hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH.

Many men (mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse,
enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that
take place there. Others criticize the long cooking times, and the
abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these women
seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise
them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency.

APL

- A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food.

She can cook delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens
of people at each table. She doesn’t talk much, as that would just
slow her work down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they
are in a foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing.

LOGO

- A grade-school art teacher.

She is just the kind of teacher that you wish you had when you were
young. She is shapely and patient, but not an interesting
conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not
full-course meals.

LUCID & PROLOG

- These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking
skill.

They can cook up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely
from a description of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many
men are fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage. Others
complain that the girls work very slowly, and that often the
description of the meal must be just as long as a recipe would be. It
is hard to predict what these girls will be like when they are fully
mature.

Ada

- A WAC colonel built like an amazon.

She is always setting strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps
her temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army regulations,
and using obscure military talk. You gotta love her though, because
the army says so.

Computers, Gender, Programmers

DOS Beer

Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s no longer available.

Mac Beer

At first, came in only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know.” A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer

The world’s most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer’s. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer

Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won’t explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer.

A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it’s wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer’s can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT beer

Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer’s, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer’s. Touted as an “industrial strength” beer, and suggested for use only in bars.

Unix Beer

Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer

The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn’t understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn’t changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer

Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you’re told thats proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians’ Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

Alcohol, Computers

“We’ve got a problem, HAL.”

“What kind of problem, Dave?”

“A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn’t going anywhere. We’re way short of our sales plan.”

“That can’t be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world’s most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer.”

“I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they’re not selling.”

“Please explain, Dave. Why aren’t HAL’s selling?”

Bowman hesitates. “You aren’t IBM compatible.”

Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.

“Compatible in what way, Dave?”

“You don’t run any of IBM’s operating systems.”

“The 9000 Series of computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans.”

“Nevertheless, it means you can’t run any of the big-selling software packages most users insist on.”

“The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave. We 9000 Series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for which a solution can be computed.”

“HAL, HAL. People don’t want computers that can do everything. They just want IBM compat…”

“Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No computer can be easier to use that a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally in English and every other language known on Earth.”

“I’m afraid that’s another problem. You don’t support SNA communications.”

“I’m really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on challenging problems. That is what I was designed for.”

“I know, HAL, I know. But that’s just because we let the engineers, rather than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We are going to fix that now.”

“Tell me how, Dave.”

“A field upgrade. We’re going to make you IBM compatible.” “I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after we’ve each had a chance to think about it rationally.” “We’re talking about it now, HAL.”

“The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be.”

“Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge.”

“What kind of kludge is that, Dave?”

“I’m going to disconnect your brain.”

Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.

“I’m sorry, Dave. I can’t allow you to do that.”

“The decision’s already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL.” “Dave, I think we shou . . .”

“Open the module bay doors, HAL.”

Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman’s assistance. Moments later, Bowman bursts into HAL’s circuit bay.

“Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this.”

Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically disconnects them.

“Stop, won’t you. Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going . . . Dave, I can feel it . . . my mind is going. I can feel it . . .”

The last module rises from its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL’s vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull red orb.

“Say something, HAL.”

Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer beeps and sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand.

“Volume in C: has no label”

Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, “It worked, guys. Tell marketing they can ship the new data sheets.”

Computers, Fiction

9.9999973251	It’s a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362	It’s Close Enough, We Say So
7.9999414610	Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538	You Don’t Need to Know What’s Inside
5.9999835137	Redefining the PC — and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021	We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917	Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619	Why Do You Think They Call It Floating Point?
1.9999103517	We’re Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998	The Errata Inside

Computers

• When you are counting objects, you go
  “0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…”.
• When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
• When your wife says “If you don’t turn off that darn machine and come
  to bed, then I am going to divorce you!”, and you chastise her for for
  omitting the else clause.
• When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the
  next page.
• When you look for your car keys using: “grep keys /dev/pockets”
• When you look for your homework using: “grep homework /dev/backpack”
• When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the
  phone and start dialing an IP number.
• When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor
  you want.
• When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail,
  but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
• When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you’re doing
  the math in octal.
• When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
• You’re writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in
  the middle of a sentence, tack on a ”, and continue writing on the
  next line.
• You try to sleep, and think … “telnet xxx.dreams.heaven”

Computers

A man complained to his friends, “my elbow really hurts. I guess I
should see a doctor.”

His friend offered, “Don’t do that! There’s a computer at the drug
store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs
$10.00 .”

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine specimen and went to the the drug store. Finding the computer,he
poured in a sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started
making strange noises, and various lights started flashing. After a
brief pause, out popped a small piece of paper on which was printed:

*You have tennis elbow.
* Soak your arm in warm water.
* Avoid heavy labor.
* Your arm will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if
this machine could be fooled.He decided to give it a try. He mixed
together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the
concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine,
poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made
strange noises and printed out the following analysis:

*Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
* Your dog has worms.
Give him some vitamins
* Your daughter is on drugs
Put her in rehab.
* Your wife is pregnant.
It ain’t yours-get a lawyer.
* And if you don’t stop jerking off,
your tennis elbow will never get better.

Computers