Virtual Illusions

KABINDA, ZAIRE–In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the company’s ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M’wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire’s Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.

Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem.

“I could not crush the nut by myself,” said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. “With IBM’s help, I was able to break it.” Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a “smashing” utensil.

IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. “Our telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their specific needs,” said Herbert Ross, IBM’s director of marketing. “Whether you’re a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia’s Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today.”

According to Ndeti, of the modem’s many powerful features, most impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. “I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem,” Ndeti said. “The modem did not break. It is a good modem.”

Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of- the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601 microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.

“This is a good computer,” said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computer’s flat, sharp internal processing device. “I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard.” Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer’s 200-page owner’s manual.

IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti’s choice of computers. “We are pleased that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs,” said company CEO William Allaire. “From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a global village.”

Computers

All I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how
to be, I learned on Internet. Wisdom was not at the top of the
graduate school mountain, nor in the sandpile at Sunday school, but
right there at the active endpoint of a TCP/IP session. These are the
things I learned:

1. Always log your terminal off when you leave, even if you’re only
   going to the bathroom for 5 minutes.
2. The only people who MAKE MONEY FAST on the Internet are those who
   manufacture routers and disk drives.
3. The net’s memory is no longer than its attention span, so if you
   wait a little while you’re sure to see the same thing go round again.
4. Some net-kooks are noisy, some net-kooks are stupid, and some
   net-kooks are rude. But the ones who will flame you personally are the
   net-kooks who are noisy, stupid AND rude.
5. C++ is a fairytale language. Unfortunately, the fairytale is not
   “The Goose that laid the Golden Eggs”, but rather “The Emperor has no
   Clothes”.
6. Not all moderators and FAQ-compilers eventually become power-mad and
   insane. Some of them started out that way.
7. If you’re not sure about the facts when posting something, be louder
   and more insistent to compensate. “Firm” beats “factual”. Never
   apologize, never explain, and never miss a chance to grind someone
   else’s error in their face. Laugh off your own mi stakes as a
   deliberate attempt at humor.
8. The opposite sex is really excited and turned on when you post words
   and suggestions that you wouldn’t use in face-to-face
   conversation. This is a really good way to pick up new friends. Lewd
   ‘n crude gets laid ‘n paid.
9. That early release of “rn” that prevented a posting unless it
   contained more new lines than included lines, was actually a pretty
   good idea.
10. There’s something odd about netters who spend all day and night
    staring at patterns on a crt, but criticize the mindlessness of
    television. Letterman top 10 lists, and Dave Barry columns, get
    circulated on Internet, but no one broadcasts “the best of
    rec.humor” on tv. Thank God. Not yet at least.
11. Not all lists have to contain exactly 10 entries, despite what you
    have seen on television.

Computers

There’s a new virus that will rewrite your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.

It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you try to play.

It will give your ex-girl or boyfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your wine and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there’s company coming over. It will put a dead squirrel in the back pocket of your good pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girl or boyfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can’t find it. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss’s voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase grade schoolers with your new snowblower.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Computers

Computers

Four of the biggest films of 1996 — Twister, Eraser, Mission Impossible
and Independence Day — have one thing in common besides box-office
success: in each film, portable computers played a prominent role. We
decided to put the portable computers in these films to the test and answer
once and for all the question, “Hey, if I happen to find myself in a
big-budget Hollywood movie, which portable computer will give me the best
performance?

TWISTER

Twister featured a Silicon Graphics laptop, which is interesting since
Silicon Graphics doesn’t make laptops. Nevertheless, a label reading
“Silicon Graphics” was placed conspicuously on the computer, because you
just never know when you might forget the brand name of your computer.
Overall, this computer performed more than adequately. For one thing, it
was robust. While seemingly everything else in the movie was sucked into
the tornado, the Silicon Graphics laptop was unharmed. This is incredible
when you think about it. Houses, cows and even an 18-wheeler were blown
away by tornadoes, but this computer remained undamaged, even when it was
used at one point as an umbrella. Aside from personal bad-weather
protection, another important feature of the Silicon Graphics laptop was
its ability not to self-destruct due to the complete insanity of the
script. My sources tell me that many lesser computers were unable to make
it through the first third of the film without a system error. One
computer actually exploded in the first 20 minutes after a particularly
silly scene involving the fiancee of Bill Paxton’s character. But not the
Silicon Graphics laptop. It kept on performing at a high level. If the
big-budget film you’re in happens to have a script with all the subtlety of
a bad Baywatch episode, then the Silicon Graphics laptop is definitely the
computer for you, even if it doesn’t exist.

ERASER

Eraser also featured a portable computer. Unfortunately, I do not know
which portable computer it was. Neither does anyone at Warner Brothers,
including Steve in Product Placement, who informed me, “I’m sorry, this
office cannot comment on that.” It really doesn’t matter, though, because
the Unknown Laptop is a real disappointment. About all that can be said in
its favor is that it didn’t blow up. Admittedly, that’s an accomplishment.
After all, practically everything else in the movie exploded, sometimes
more than once. If you do find yourself in a flick with lots of exploding
buildings and houses, you might want to find out what computer this one
is. Just don’t ask Steve in Product Placement, because he can’t comment.
Where the Unknown Laptop comes up really short is in performance. For
example, early in the film Vanessa William’s character copies important
files onto a CD-ROM(!). When she arrives home and attempts to open the
files with her laptop, she finds that the CD-ROM will not run, thus making
the computer completely useless for the film. Because of this defect,
Williams and Arnold Schwarzenegger must break into CIA headquarters and
open the classified files from within the high-security building.
Admittedly, this may be more of a software problem than a hardware
problem. Microsoft is now working on a plug-in for Windows 95 that will
allow users to open classified documents stolen from the CIA, but the
original release date was set for November 1995. After countless delays,
Microsoft now refuses to set a new date for the release. The truth is
that it might be several years before an operating system is available
that will reliably open classified documents stolen from the CIA.
Furthermore, Herbert Naylor, an imaginary spokesman for Microsoft, claims
that this defect is really not a problem. “The movie,” he rightly says,
“was starting to drag at that point, and if not for the computer failing,
the screenwriters might never have come up with a reason for the
characters to break into the CIA.” This is a salient point, and one the
serious computer user must consider. Among the computers reviewed here,
the Unknown Laptop was clearly the best at moving the plot along.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE

One of the stars of Mission Impossible was a Macintosh PowerBook 540C. I
know this because I called Apple Computer, and they were positively giddy
to tell me about all the Apple computers used in films this summer. They’d
probably still be talking to me right now, if I hadn’t come up with an
excuse to end the conversation. In this film, the Macintosh advantage is
clear. Whereas the Unknown Laptop was unable to open classified files, Tom
Cruise’s PowerBook did not have the same problem. It easily handled
classified information. Nevertheless, the PowerBook 540C did display some
flaws. For example, many of the most popular lists of classified
information take several months longer to be released for the Macintosh
platform, but the PowerBook 540C’s superior ability in opening classified
files makes it well worth the wait. One can only hope this will persuade
developers to release more lists of classified information for the
Macintosh. Another interesting feature of this PowerBook is its superior
acting ability. For example, in several scenes the PowerBook managed to
outact Cruise. True, this is not that difficult an accomplishment. (In one
scene, the leg of a table in the corner of the screen outacted Cruise for
several seconds). Nevertheless, it is always impressive when a portable
computer manages to outperform the lead actor. You may have mixed
feelings about this. If you’re the type of actor who likes to be
surrounded by superior actors in the hopes that this will make the movie
that much more successful, then the PowerBook 540C is for you. However, if
you’re at all worried about being upstaged, you might want to consider
another model.

INDEPENDENCE DAY

Independence Day (or: How I Saved the World From Destruction With a
PowerBook) featured a Macintosh PowerBook 5300. This movie is where the
Macintosh really shines. While the other computers performed adequately in
their films, no other portable computer was able to save the world from
alien destruction. Therefore, the PowerBook 5300 is our selection as the
best portable computer of the group. Remember the old days when
connecting to alien spaceships by modem took hours of confusing
configuration, and was sometimes impossible because you lacked the proper
drivers? With the PowerBook 5300, that era has come to an end. Everything
on it is preinstalled. Just point and click, and you are all set. Thanks
to Apple’s new technology, you can even use your modem to play Doom
against alien lifeforms. Equally impressive is the fact that Apple seems
to have eliminated the problem of screen freezes. Not once in the entire
film did the computer freeze, forcing Jeff Goldblum to reboot. For me,
this was even more unbelievable than the concept of aliens from another
planet coming down to Earth and trying to destroy the human race. If
Goldblum had had to use my Macintosh, instead, the scene near the end in
which he and Will Smith fly to the alien mothership to upload a computer
virus may have turned out entirely different:

GOLDBLUM: Okay, all we have to do is wait for it to upload the virus into
the alien mothership. Oh, damn! It’s stopped! The screen froze!
SMITH: Don’t be giving me none of that freeze stuff! I told you we should
have used a PC!
GOLDBLUM: It’ll be okay. We just have to restart the computer.
SMITH: We got three minutes.
GOLDBLUM: Three minutes! I can’t restart a Mac in three minutes! Aaaargh!
We’re all gonna die!

At this point, the human race would have been destroyed, the movie would
have ended, and audiences across the nation wouldn’t have been as pleased.
But the PowerBook 5300 in Independence Day saved the day, proving that
Apple has again become a serious player. If you find yourself in a
big-budget film in which the existence of the human race is in your hands,
you have no choice but to buy the PowerBook 5300.

Computers

By John Woestendiek
Philadelphia Inquirer
Wed., January 8, 1997

NEWS BULLETIN: Saying it will improve the education of children who
have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San
Jose, Calif., has officially designated computer English, or
“Geekonics”, as a second language.

The historic vote on Geekonics — a combination of the word “geek”
and the word “phonics” — came just weeks after the Oakland school
board recognized black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language.

“This entirely reconfigures our parameters,” Milton “Floppy”
Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school
board became the first in the nation to recognize Geekonics.

“No longer are we preformatted for failure,” Macintosh said during a
celebration that saw many Geekonics backers come dangerously close
to smiling. “Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to
process the data we need to interface with all units of humanity.”

Controversial and widely misunderstood, the Geekonics movement was
spawned in California’s Silicon Valley, where many children have
grown up in households headed by computer technicians, programmers,
engineers and scientists who have lost ability to speak plain
English and have inadvertently passed on their high-tech vernacular
to their children.

HELPING THE TRANSITION

While schools will not teach the language, increased teacher
awareness of Geekonics, proponents say, will help children make the
transition to standard English. Those students, in turn, could
possibly help their parents learn to speak in a manner that would
lead listeners to believe that they have actual blood coursing
through their veins.

“Bit by bit, byte by byte, with the proper system development, with
nonpreemptive multitasking, I see no reason why we can’t download
the data we need to modulate our oral output,” Macintosh said.

The designation of Ebonics and Geekonics as languages reflects a
growing awareness of our nation’s lingual diversity, experts say.

Other groups pushing for their own languages and/or vernaculars to
be declared official viewed the Geekonics vote as a step in the
right direction.

“This is just, like, OK, you know, the most totally kewl thing,
like, ever,” said Jennifer Notat-Albright, chairwoman of the
Committee for the Advancement of Valleyonics, headquartered in
Southern California. “I mean, like, you know?” she added.

THEY’RE HAPPY IN DIXIE

“Yeee-hah,” said Buford “Kudzu” Davis, president of the Dixionics
Coalition. “Y’all gotta know I’m as happy as a tick on a sleeping
bloodhound about this.”

Spokesmen for several subchapters of Dixionics — including
Alabonics, Tennesonics and Louisionics — also said they approved of
the decision.

Bill Flack, public information officer for the Blue Ribbon Task
Force on Bureaucratonics said that his organization would not
comment on the San Jose vote until it convened a summit meeting,
studied the impact, assessed the feasibility, finalized a report and
drafted a comprehensive action plan, which, once it clears the
appropriate subcommittees and is voted on, will be made public to
those who submit the proper information-request forms.

Proponents of Ebonics heartily endorsed the designation of Geekonics
as an official language.

“I ain’t got no problem wif it,” said Earl E. Byrd, president of the
Ebonics Institute. “You ever try talkin’ wif wunna dem computer
dudes? Don’t matter if it be a white computer dude or a black
computer dude; it’s like you be talkin’ to a robot — RAM, DOS,
undelete, MegaHertZ. Ain’t nobody understands. But dey keep talkin’
anyway. ‘Sup wif dat?”

Those involved in the lingual diversity movement believe that only
by enacting many different English languages, in addition to all the
foreign ones practiced here, can we all end up happily speaking the
same boring one, becoming a nation that is both unified in its
diversity, and diversified in its unity.

Others say that makes no sense at all. In any language.

But wait, there’s more!:

Computers

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found
that
it’s a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other
applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention
of
this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the
documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be
expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0
installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization
where it can monitor all other system activity. He’s finding that some
applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are
no
longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected
(even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0
provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as
MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance
seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he’d like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.

• A “Don’t remind me again” button
• Minimize button
• An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the
  option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system
  resources.

• An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would
  allow
  the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by
sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0.
You
must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long
standing
bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of
GirlFriend
have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have
fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall
program
for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn’t work very well leaving undesirable traces of
the
application in the system.

Another thing that sucks — all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up
little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

***** BUG WARNING ********

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before
uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the
uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming
insufficient resources.

*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system
and
never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also,
beware
of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses
that
may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under
an
anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally
be
downloaded from the UseNet.

Computers, Gender

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the real shift
keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them
out?

A. Nope, they’re the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean “up”, as in “look up at
the screen”. Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit
staring at your fingers.

Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?

A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this
feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen
Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something
naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author’s Shift Key Burn-In
Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it’s your computer, but
don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters
and punctuation

A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps
your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe
you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also
consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with
lower case expressions; replace ? with “huh” and ! with “zowie”.

Q. I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT”S STUCK DOWN NOW>

A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard
frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation.
First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling
as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub
thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool.
Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld
blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to
clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Q. Why are there are no “shift” keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys
labelled “hif”?

A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your
hands more frequently for that matter.

Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?

A. Yes, although instead of the notation “shift”, the key may be labelled with
an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be
thankful you’re using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them
confusin’ words ‘n stuff on it.

Q. I’m sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is
there any other way to do this?

A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the
shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your
computer is equiped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word “shift”
very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see
if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action
several times to “train” the computer to recognize your voice before the
feature works reliably.

Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?

A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two.
Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts.
Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make
little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it’s better
to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

A. They aren’t. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears
much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because
of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at
night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a
distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my
computer explode?

A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100
terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don’t worry about it.
Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn’t seem to work. What’s wrong?

A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the
problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these
keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness.
Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing
blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of
your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your
relationship with the Almighty.

Computers

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it. Set it down.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document from my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Stop shaking it.

Computers

This new product will reduce your communications needs considerably. Its intuitive interactions will often leave you scratching your head in wonder. From your minimal communications with this package, it will quickly presume who your friends are (and even what their habits are), who you should be communicating with in order to advance your career, and let you know continually whether you are communicating effectively with the FeMail itself.

You may find that FeMail reduces your unnecessary communications with friends and associates. Your FeMail will intercept incoming communications from all sources and make a determination as to whether or not they should be relayed to you. The FeMail is especially thorough when examining messages from other FeMail systems. These messages will be examined for intent as well as content.

Messages that are received from other Mails will be scanned for intention by your FeMail. Any messages that will reduce your productivity at home or at the office (invitations to bars or parties, where the FeMail may lose contact with you for more than two hours for example) will be delivered to you only after they can no longer be acted upon. A true productivity increase is then possible, and your FeMail will even help you decide how to use this spare time to attend to maintenance issues.

In fact, you may find that the FeMail methods are far beyond your comprehension. Often times the FeMail responses you receive will be 180 degrees different than the direction you thought you were heading. In every case though, you will be compelled to agree with the decisions that your FeMail makes. Most areas where a FeMail is installed find that agreeing with the FeMail is easier than attempting to justify opposinglogic.

The FeMail package includes modules for Cognitive Interpretation, Intuition, Presumptions, Innuendos (even some you may not realize), Inflection, and Encryption. (The encryption package is particularly effective, allowing other mails absolutely no chance of interpreting interchanges between two FeMails).

You will find yourself becoming dependent on the interactions that a FeMail makes possible. Once the FeMail begins working in your daily activities, you may find yourself changing certain actions to avoid conflicting with the FeMail suggestions.

The FeMail is extremely comprehensive, and provides only for a single user interface in most cases. The instructions included with your FeMail indicates that it may interact openly with other Mails in a conversational mode, but that you should never interact with someone else’s FeMail, even in a conversational mode, and most certainly not in an interactive mode. The FeMail communications links have demonstrated an ability to intuit these actions even if you believe your FeMail would be unaware of the interaction. Continued interaction with FeMails that are not your own will be considered a security violation, and you may find yourself cutoff from interaction with your own FeMail.

Because of the complexity and high-level of interface required, there are certain times (based roughly on a lunar month) when your FeMail system may behave erratically. During this particular cycle, your interactions with the FeMail should be monitored closely, and offensive or interpretive language removed. The FeMail may misinterpret even simple communications efforts during this short time. This is an unavoidable problem that the FeMail has endured since its inception, and we are still attempting to overcome this minor glitch.

Should a misinterpretation occur, your FeMail will store the data indefinitely, and only recall the misinterpretation when it can loosely associate it with other facts not necessarily related to the communications process. You will find these recollections and associations puzzling, but they all contribute to the operation of the FeMail system.

Obtain Femail today, and you will be surprised at the changes it will make in your life!!!!

Computers, Gender