From Allusions to Illusions
A while ago magazine ran a “Dilbert Quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the twelve finalists:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive […]
People have asked for an explanation of Marketing.
Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say,
“I’m fantastic in bed.” — That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your […]
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the
doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and
runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands […]
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen […]
Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of
making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and
he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities
of the brokerage business.
“Look at that yacht,” he said as they drove slowly past a marina. “That
belongs […]
One summer in a rural church, the pews were packed. As the minister began his sermon, the air conditioner quit. The room became hotter and hotter. Suddenly, lightning flashed and there next to the pulpit, stood Satan! Yes, there he was, horns, tail, hooves and the scent of brimstone.
The minister and parishioners screamed and […]
On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
On landing the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all your belongings. […]
I know how to deal with stressful situations:
I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of
cigarette and coffee breaks.
I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication &
organizational skills:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to
do.
I’m extremely adept at all manner of […]
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t
get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to
fly to California […]
Start with a cage containing five monkeys,
inside the cage, hang a banana on a string
and place a set of stairs under it.
Before long, a monkey will start to climb towards the banana,
as soon as he touches the stairs,
spray all the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey […]
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