Virtual Illusions

A while ago magazine ran a “Dilbert Quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the twelve finalists:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a specific list of the unknown problems which we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday, Valentine’s Day. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for “perverts” working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

Corporate, Quotes

People have asked for an explanation of Marketing.
Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say,
“I’m fantastic in bed.” — That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says,
“She’s fantastic in bed.” –That’s Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say,
“Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” — That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I,” and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” — That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
“I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” — That’s Brand Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home
with your friend. — That’s a Sales Rep.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you. — That’s Tech Support.

You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!” — That’s Spam

Corporate, Sex

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings.

After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the
doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and
runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,” I’ll give you 800
dollars to drop that towel that you have on.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused,
but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the
towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
husband asks from the shower “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the 800 dollars he
owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in
time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure

Corporate

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity…probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Corporate, Lists

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of
making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and
he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities
of the brokerage business.

“Look at that yacht,” he said as they drove slowly past a marina. “That
belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That one over there is
owned by the head of Goldman,Sachs. And look at that huge yacht out
there. That’s the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache.”
His friend was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained
look on his face. “What’s the matter?” Goodman asked. “I was just
wondering,” his friend said. “Are there any customers’ yachts?”

Corporate

One summer in a rural church, the pews were packed. As the minister began his sermon, the air conditioner quit. The room became hotter and hotter. Suddenly, lightning flashed and there next to the pulpit, stood Satan! Yes, there he was, horns, tail, hooves and the scent of brimstone.

The minister and parishioners screamed and took to their heels. Satan laughed and cackled as he watched them tumble over each other in their efforts to get away as fast as they could. When the pandemonium ceased, Satan saw, to his surprise, that there remained one lone man, sitting in one of the back pews.

Satan glared down at him, “Do you know who I am?” Satan shouted.

“Oh yes,” said the man.

“Do you realize that I am the embodiment of evil, the destroyer of all that is good, the author of pestilence the source of all chaos? Satan thundered, “I am the pinnacle of all the demons and trolls of hell !!!”

“I know,” said the man.

“Then why are you still sitting here?? Satan demanded.

“I have been appealing my HMO’s denial of services for my wife’s heart surgery. I figured that it would get to your review level sooner or later.”

Corporate, Religion

On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

On landing the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

“Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child pick your favorite.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children… or other adults acting like children.”

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault…it was the asphalt!”

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

Corporate

I know how to deal with stressful situations:
I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of
cigarette and coffee breaks.

I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication &
organizational skills:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to
do.

I’m extremely adept at all manner of office organization:
I’ve used Microsoft Office.

My pertinent work experience includes:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

I take pride in my work:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I’m balanced and centered:
I’ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the
lunchroom.

I have a sense of humor:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I’m willing to relocate:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.

I’m extremely professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.

My background and skills match your requirements:
You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.

I am adaptable:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go:
I’m never at my desk.

I’m highly motivated to succeed:
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

I have formal training:
I’m a college dropout.

I interact well with co-workers:
I’ve been accused of sexual harassment.

Thank you for your time and consideration:
Wait! Don’t throw me away!

Corporate

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t
get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to
fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make
you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.” Without
trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,
“Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her
response… click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked
what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He
replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a
very thin state.”

I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England
from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said, “But they look so close on
the map.”

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour
lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car,
he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to
drive between the gates to save time.”

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible
that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago
at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of
llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to
who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I
checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that
said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After
putting her on hold for a minute while “I looked into it,” ( I
was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city
code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know
which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to
which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none
of these darn planes have numbers on them.”

A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of
those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola
on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

A business man called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t,
I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of
those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China
four times and every time they have accepted my American
Express.”

A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago
to Hippopotamus, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent asked, “Are you sure that’s the name of the
town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry,
ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t
find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t
be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent
scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You
don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” She replied, “That’s it! I knew it
was a big animal!”

Corporate

Start with a cage containing five monkeys,
inside the cage, hang a banana on a string
and place a set of stairs under it.
Before long, a monkey will start to climb towards the banana,
as soon as he touches the stairs,
spray all the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt
with the same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the
other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water, Remove one monkey
from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the
banana and wants to climb the stairs.
To his surprise and horror, all the other monkeys attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if
he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys
and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is
attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment
with enthusiasm!

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a
new one, then the fourth, then the fifth.
Everytime the newest monkey takes to the stairs,
he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no
idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are
participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of
the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for
the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know, that’s the way
its always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

Corporate