Virtual Illusions

A rumpled man walks into a bank in New York City and
asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to
Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for such a loan. So the man — clearly an
eccentric — hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce
parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything
checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls
into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and
the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer
says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and
this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are
a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you
out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What
puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies, “Where else in New York can I park my
car for two weeks for 15 bucks?”

Corporate

Here’s a real accident report from the Workers’ Compensation Board.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor
Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller
explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I
completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when
weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the
bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a
pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth
floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof,
swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down
and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of
the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form
that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly,
I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless
to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was
now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains
the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as
listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not
stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep
into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this
correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence
of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the
excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks
hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of
the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I
refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of
the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth
and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the
barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into
the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of
bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six
stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope.

Corporate, Urban Legends

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
    blame.

18. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23. This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it.
24. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25. The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize
    it’s a ‘do it yourself’ thing.

Corporate, Lists

In order to assure the highest levels of quality, work, and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( S. H. I. T. ).

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please tell your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and management is especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS ( D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. ). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING ( E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. any more and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T. you might be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST ( B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. ). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR of INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T. S.H.I.T. )

Thank You,
Management

Corporate

Sir,

While working with Mr. Murthy, I have always found him

working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or

gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom

wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always

finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be

deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be

found chit-chatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound

knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be

classed as outstanding, and should on no account be

dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Murthy should be

pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be

sent out as soon as possible.

Sd/-

Branch Manager

PS: MURTHY WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT MAILED TO YOU
TODAY. KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATE LINES 1,3,5… FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.

REGARDS

Sd/-

Branch Manager

Corporate

I’m not sure if this belongs here or not but…

LAW 1: No major project is ever completed on time, within budget, with
the same staff that started it, nor does the project do what it is
supposed to do. It is highly unlikely that yours will be the first.

Corollary 1: The benefits will be smaller than initially estimated, if
estimates were made at all.
Corollary 2: The system finally installed will be completed late and
will not do what it is supposed to do.
Corollary 3: It will cost more but will be technically successful.

LAW 2: One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is that they let you
avoid embarrassment in estimating the corresponding costs.

LAW 3: The effort required to correct a project that is off course
increases geometrically with time.

Corollary 1: The longer you wait the harder it gets.
Corollary 2: If you wait until the project is completed, its too late.
Corollary 3: Do it now regardless of the embarrassment.

LAW 4: The project purpose statement you wrote and understand will be
seen differently by everyone else.

Corollary 1: If you explain the purpose so clearly that no one could
possibly misunderstand, someone will.
Corollary 2: If you do something that you are sure will meet
everyone’s approval, someone will not like it.

LAW 5: Measurable benefits are real. Intangible benefits are not measurable,
thus intangible benefits are not real.

Corollary 1: Intangible benefits are real if you can prove that they
are real.

LAW 6: Anyone who can work effectively on a project part-time
certainly does not have enough to do now.

Corollary 1: If a boss will not give a worker a full-time job, you
shouldn’t either.
Corollary 2: If the project participant has a time conflict, the work
given by the full-time boss will not suffer.

LAW 7: The greater the project’s technical complexity, the less you
need a technician to manage it.

Corollary 1: Get the best manager you can. The manager will get the
technicians.
Corollary 2: The reverse of corollary 1 is almost never true.

LAW 8: A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to
complete than expected. A carefully planned project will only take
twice as long.

Corollary 1: If nothing can possibly go wrong, it will anyway.

LAW 9: When the project is going well, something will go wrong.

Corollary 1: When things cannot get any worse, they will.
Corollary 2: When things appear to be going better, you have
overlooked something.

LAW 10: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.

LAW 11: Projects progress rapidly until they are 90 percent complete. Then
they remain 90 percent complete forever.

LAW 12: If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of
change will exceed the rate of progress.

LAW 13: If the user does not believe in the system, a parallel system
will be developed. Neither system will work very well.

LAW 14: Benefits achieved are a function of the thoroughness of the
post-audit check.

Corollary 1: The prospect of an independent post-audit provides the
project team with a powerful incentive to deliver a good system on
schedule within budget.

LAW 15: No law is immutable.

Corporate

It has been brought to the management’s attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with other employees. Due to complaints recieved
from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language
will no longer be tolerated. Nonetheless we do realize the critical
importance of individuals being able to properly express their feelings
when communicating with fellow employees. Therefore, a list of code
phrase replacements has bee compiled so proper exchange of ideas and
information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending
our more sensitive co-workers.

Corporate, Lists

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and
   then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every 10
   minutes
   to inquire how it’s going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives
   me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies,don’t open
   the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and
   opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the
   priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have
   nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could
   cost me a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
   popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down.
   If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. When you refer to
    them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really
    change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s
    nice to
    know someone is less fortunate.

Corporate, Lists

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Insist that your e-mail address be “zena_goddess_of_fire@company.com”

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Put a chair facing the printer, sit there all day and tell people that you are waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you didn’t have time for lunch and you are going to be nibbling during the meeting. Eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (Especially effective if you and your boss are different genders.)

Make up nicknames for all of your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you, Chachi.”

Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

Encourage all of your peers to join you in a a little synchronized chair dancing in the hallway.

Agree to organize a company party. Have it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15.

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Compose all of your memo in rhyming couplets.

Hi-lite your shoes. Tell people that you havent lost your shoes since you began doing this.

Include, in you own handwriting, at the top of every memo, a personal note: “On a personal note, I’m feeling a bit tired today.” “On a personal note, I am pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night.”

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Claim they are your children.

Walk around wearing a mask and snorkel.

Send e-mail messages to everyone saying free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the lunchroom. when people show up and complain that there aren’t any - just lean back and rub your stomach and say ‘Ohhhhh, you’ve got to be faster than that.”

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Just when everyone has gotten over their caffiene addiction, switch to espresso.

Corporate, Lists

As I was working on re-spinning my resume this past week, I realized that we’re never quite truthful on resumes and job applications. We try to make ourselves look as good as possible, usually better than we really are. So today, I thought I’d fill out a job application the way I want to rather than the way I should…

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY?: Is “felony” sex with a cat? Because if it is… no.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Corporate