Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:
- “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
- “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
- “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
- “This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”
- “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
- “When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”
- “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
- “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
- “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
- “This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.”
And my personal favorite:
- “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
Corporate, Lists
From an edition of the Washington Post [presumably the Sunday
Style Invitational] — a contest was held in which
readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work.
- If it is all the same to you, I won’t be coming in to work. The
voices told me to clean all the guns today.
- When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.
- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power
source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously
rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will
be in late, or early.
- My stigmata’s acting up.
- I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet…
- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.
- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
calling.
- Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false
information.
- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave
me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.
- The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her
eternal peace. One day should do it.
- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
- I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.
- I prefer to remain an enigma.
Corporate, Lists
We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those
interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t
fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew
we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light
years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major
American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job
applicants.
The lowlights:
- Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn’t get the job, it would
prove that the company’s management was incompetent.
- Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
- Brought her large dog to the interview.
- Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
- Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
- She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the
same time.
- Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few
minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
- Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
- Asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was
qualified to judge the candidate.
- Announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and
french fries in the interviewer’s office.
- Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during
the middle of the interview.
- Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice
president.
- Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the
corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
- Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific
interview questions.
- Wouldn’t get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call
the police.
- When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap
dancing around my office.
- Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
- Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought
of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
- Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
- Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said
he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
- Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the
offer was formal.
- Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.
- While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a
copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only,stopping longest at
the centerfold.
- During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s
brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to
leave for another interview.
- A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife.
His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company? When do l
start? What’s the salary?” I said, “I assume you’re not interested in
conducting the interview any further.” He promptly responded, “I am as
long as you’ll pay me more. “I didn’t hire him, but later found out there
was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
- An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the
other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
- His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents
spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
- He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception
area. He didn’t want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require
indoor parking for the moped.
- He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated footpowder
and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the
shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a
day, and this was the time.
- Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the
unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
- He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
- Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk.
When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my
phone number. I called security.
- She threw up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions
about the job, like nothing had happened..
- Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he
was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why
he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then
reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured,
but I did need to get a new desk.
- Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.
Corporate, Lists