Virtual Illusions

Although locked in fierce competition for what seems like forever, God and the Devil meet once every week for coffee just to catch up with each other. One week they’re in heaven and the next they’re in hell.

When it was God’s turn to host last week, the Devil was whistling a happy tune as he walked through the gates and wore a huge smile as he plopped down in the golden chair.

As he poured a cup, God said, “You look pretty pleased with yourself.”

“Yeah,” said the Devil, “Things are really looking up since I got that engineer last week. He’s put in escalators and flush toilets, and he even found a way to control the heat in those old furnaces. I’ve been meaning to thank you for turning him away up here.”

God looked stunned, and almost spilled coffee into the saucer.

“You know that you’re not supposed to get any engineers,” God said. “Peter was breaking in some new help at the gates last week, and they must have made a mistake. Just send him back up and we’ll straighten it out.”

But the Devil just chuckled and said, “No. I think I’ll keep him. He was talking about looking into better ventilation this week. I can see why you keep them all for yourself.”

“Send him back,” demanded God

“No,” smirked the Devil.

God thundered, “Send him back, or…”

“Or what?” the Devil asked.

“Or I’ll sue,” finished God.

The Devil chuckled again.

“Where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Engineers, Religion

Comprehending Engineers - Take One:
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To a pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two:
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike? ” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Comprehending Engineers - Take Three:
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!” The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. ” “Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they? The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

Comprehending Engineers - Take Four:
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Five:
Normal people … believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.”

Comprehending Engineers - Take Six:
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.” “Both?” Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven:
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, But a talking frog, that’s cool.”

Engineers

There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, “Where did you come from? How did you get here”?

She said, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank”

“Amazing”, he said, “I didn’t know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?”

“It is only me”, she said, “and the rowboat didn’t wash up, nothing else did.”

“Well then”, said the man, “how did you get the rowboat?” I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree”.

“But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?”

“Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed.

I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, she said. Where do you live?”

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.

“Well, let’s row over to my place, she said.” So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

“It’s not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?” “No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke.”

“It won’t be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, “Tell me, have you always had a beard?”

“No”, the man replied, “I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship”.

“Well if you would like to shave, there is a man’s razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.” So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs..

“You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable.” So she did.

And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

“Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now.”

“Yes there is, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, “Tell me … Do you happen to have an Internet connection?”

Engineers

There are four engineers travelling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.

The car breaks down.

“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.

“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”

“I thought it might be an grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”

“Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”

Engineers

You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.

You enjoy pain.

You know vector calculus but you can’t remember how to do long division.

You chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”

You’ve actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

When you look in a mirror, you see a engineering major.

It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

You frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”

You always do homework on Friday nights.

You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

You think in “math.”

You’ve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

You hesitate to look at something because you don’t want to break down its wave function.

You have a pet named after a scientist.

You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

The Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger’s Cat experiment.

You can translate English into Binary.

You can’t remember what’s behind the door in the science building which says “Exit.”

You have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there’s a wind-chill factor in the lab.

You are completely addicted to caffeine.

You avoid doing anything because you don’t want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

You consider ANY non-science course “easy.”

When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

The “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

You’ll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.

Your “Far Side” desk calendar is four months behind.

You can speak sentences with four or more acronyms in them.

You can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.

The term “sanitation engineer” actually bothers you.

You own three calculators.

You wear old running shoes on Friday.

You still wear those knit ties.

The highlight of your trip to Las Vegas was a tour of Hoover Dam.

You have ever ridden an escalator and mentally calculated the horsepower necessary to run it.

You have automatic everything in your house, but none of it meets the National Electrical Code.

You know more about what’s inside the TV than what programs are on it.

You know Frame Relay is not an Olympic event.

You own more than three mechanical pencils.

You have more cable TV and telephone outlets in your house than electrical outlets.

The people at Radio Shack ask you questions.

You have ever tried to network your home PC, microwave oven and garage-door opener.

You own eight neckties, all identical.

Your car has two more antennas than it came with.

Your spouse keeps tripping over the wire you strung — temporarily– three years ago.

You are on a first-name basis with the sales staff of a major parts mail-order house.

You have more compilers than computers.

You look at the assembler output of your compiler because “you know you can do better.”

You know how many transistors were in each x86 chip put out by Intel.

You bought Windows 2.0, and liked it.

You dated the keypunch operator to get special treatment.

You can count in binary on your fingers.

You answer, “I’ll tell you but then I’ll have to kill you.”

Your children ask a question like “How do radios work?” and have no further questions after your explanation.

You put a hanging ground strap on your car.

You’ve wired every room in your house for 10 Base T (Cat5, of course)

You keep the knobs off junk electronics stuff, just in case.

You can do a roadside repair of your car’s ECM, but can’t change a flat.

You’ve fitted transponders to your kids and pets so you know where they are at all times. (okay so maybe not yet, but I know you’ve thought about it!)

You’ve instrumented the department coffee maker so you can tell from your workstation when someone has started a fresh pot.

You use a stapler to stitch a hole in your pocket.

You calculate the best patterns to mow your lawn in the least amount of time.

You are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.

You still think Tron was the best movie ever made.

At a traffic intersection you try to figure out the synchronization pattern between your car’s wipers and the others’

You and your spouse have developed a discrete (as in non-public) signal to let you know when your penchant for factual accuracy is killing a good story.

One computer, keyboard, mouse and screen is not enough for you. You spend your evening and/or night watching at least three screens at the same time.

You have at least one historical computer in your closet.

Your cooking is always burned because of the million other things you do at the same time.

You take along a printout of the schedule of your family vacation.

You’ve ever said that even if you didn’t need the money and they didn’t pay you, you’d still work for free.

At home, you find the idea of moving a wall more attractive than the idea of painting it.

You can name all the cards in your PC without looking.

You empty your pockets at home at night and amongst the change you find two resistors, a NiCad battery and a 75-ohm terminator.

You are uninterested in Olympic events that involve subjective judging (skating, gymnastics, diving, etc.)

Your husband puts up wall-mounted bookshelves and you can tell by eye that the left side is 1/8 inch lower than the right.

You always have to explain things by drawing it out on paper or a napkin.

You understood more than five of these indicators.

You make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

You read this list in entirety.

[ed. You convert this list to HTML and post it on your website...]

Engineers