These are the 10 winners of this year’s Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one
writes only the first line of a bad novel. (Victorian author Edward
George Bulwer-Lytton is famous–or is it infamous–for writing the novel
that began “It was a dark and stormy night.”)
As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break […]

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OXFORD, Tuesday: A number of concerned British Harry Potter fans have spoken out against the Bible, claiming that the holy text of the Christian Church can cause serious damage to children. “Reading the Bible teaches children to believe in the supernatural,” said one English Literature academic from Oxford University, Lewis Williams. “The tales of Jesus […]

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AD&D Monster Manual IV
Creature: Barney

CLIMATE/TERRAIN:
Nine Hells, Gehenna, Hades, The Abyss, PBS

FREQUENCY:
Very rare or daily at 4 pm

ORGANIZATION:
Solitary

ACTIVITY CYCLE:
Day

DIET:
Little children’s minds

INTELLIGENCE:
Insipid (-12)

TREASURE:
Merchandising contracts

ALIGNMENT:
Purple evil

NO. APPEARING:
1 (may be attended by 1-100 Barney zombies, see below)

ARMOR CLASS:
10 (big and plush)

MOVEMENT:
3

HIT DICE:
8

THAC0:
12

NO. OF ATTACKS:
2

DAMAGE/ATTACK:
1-10 (x2)

SPECIAL ATTACKS:
Hug (damage 3-30)

SPECIAL DEFENSES:
Aura of intolerable idiocy

MAGIC RESISTANCE:
90%

SIZE:
L (8′ tall)

MORALE:
Stupid (30)

XP […]

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AP Online
AP 10/01 2:55 EDT V055
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) — Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Seseme Street,
has apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead;
including Prarie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert — long time friend,
room-mate, and occasional […]

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Contributed by Mohamed Ismail

In Star Wars, weapons are rarely, if ever, set on “stun”.
The Enterprise needs a big engineering section with an
anti-matter unit and normally requires a large crew to go into
warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with just
[…]

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To play the Star Wars Drinking game, you will need:

The Star Wars Trilogy on tape (one movie for a short game)
An ample supply of your favorite beverage (milk, right?)
A really good sound system, so the explosions seem to happen all
around you. Kapow! (optional)

Begin by […]

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Command 302: Winning in no-win situations
Communications 101: Opening hailing frequencies
Space Law 206: Avoiding court-martials
Navigation 101: Standard Orbits
Philosophy 203: Why all major systems fail simultaniously
Command 255: Choosing minor landing party members who will die
Astrophysics 199: Recognizing unknown phenomenons
Command 309: Creative obedience to StarFleet orders
Engineering 422: Making radical technological […]

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Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if….

your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
you have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”
he refers to Klingons as “Critters”
he refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”
he has the sensor array repaired […]

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by Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely
57 ELM STREET
BETHLEHEM, PA.
11:51 P.M., DECEMBER 24TH
We’re too late! It’s already been here.
Mulder, I hope you know what you’re doing.
Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.
You really […]

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By John Robinson, jrobinso@athena.valpo.edu

Picard:
Sigma Indri, that’s the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?
Data:
Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We’ll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?
Picard:
LaForge, please give us factor nine.
LaForge:
But, sir, the […]

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