Virtual Illusions

Martha Stewart Says:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix me up.”

Real Women Say:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too
damn bad. Please recite with me the “Real Women’s” motto: “I made it
and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.”

Martha Stewart:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women:
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares?

Martha Stewart:
Stuff marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent
ice cream drips.

Real Women:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up,
eating it anyway.

Martha Stewart:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the potatoes.

Real Women:
Buy Hungry Jack potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up
to a year.

Martha Stewart:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on
the outside of the cake.

Real Women:
Go to the bakery. They will even decorate it for you.

Martha Stewart:
Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking for a
glossy finish.

Real Women:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do
not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don’t
do it.

Martha Stewart:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.

Real Women:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally…the most important tip:

Martha Stewart:
Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women:
Leftover wine????????

Gender

Before you order a drink in public, you should read
this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if
they could nail a woman’s personality based on what
she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they
concurred on almost all counts. The results

Beer:
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Blender Drinks:
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the
ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her
cabana boy.

Mixed Drinks:
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance,
has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. If
she’s interested, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Wine (does not include White Zinfandel):
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated
yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend
quiet evenings with friends.

White Zinfandel:
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and
sophisticated, actually she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is . .
. this should be an easy target.

Shots:
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and
looking to get totally drunk… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have
been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be
careful not to make her mad!

Tequila: No explanations required - everyone just
KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum - The deal with guys
is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get
laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine will give him a
sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give a damn about anything but
getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the
toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He’s gay!

Alcohol, Gender, Sex

IT AIN’T EASY BEING A MAN . . .

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to
protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay,
this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay,
you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it is equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp.

If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it’s wife bashing.

If she thumps you, it’s self-defence.

If you make a decision without consulting her,
you’re a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you,
she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy,
that’s domination.

If she asks you, it’s a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly
underwear, you’re a pervert.

If you don’t, you’re a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in
shape, you’re sexist.

If you don’t, you’re unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.

If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.

If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are arrogant.

If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she’s tired.

If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you’re oversexed.

If you don’t, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!!!!
THEY WANT TO!!!

Gender, Relationship

Classes for men at our local Learning Center for Adults:

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each
course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide
presentation.

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do rolls grow on the holders? Round
table discussion.

Topic 3 - Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the
seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub? Group practice.

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the
floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and
fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other.
Help-line support and support groups.

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the
right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audiotape.

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life testimonials.

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel
parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning to live together: Basic differences between your
mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation,
exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays,
anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you’re going to be
late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

**Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the
survivors.**

Gender, Relationship, School

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn’t say anything much about it.

The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn’t really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the hell that meant because you know he didn’t say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he’s seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:

Texas lost to Oklahoma. Got laid though.

Gender, Relationship

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of
a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was
moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him
freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year,
he still had no answer, he would be
put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man,
and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it
was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to
have an answer by year’s end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the
prince, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.
He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory
answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch–only
she would know the answer.
The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

Finally the last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no
alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his
question, but he’d have to accept her price first:

The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and
hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage,
made obscene noises… etc. He had never encountered such
a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry
her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He
told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to
Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence,
their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered
Arthur’s question thus:
What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth
and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it was. The
neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn
between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always,
gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners
on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited
him! The most beautiful
woman he’d ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain
asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when
she’d appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible,
deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her
beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the
day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During
the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night,
in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having
by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom
to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don’t
read until you’ve made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all
the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in
charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is: if a woman doesn’t get her own way, things get
ugly!

Gender

The five questions are:

1 - “What are you thinking?”

2 - “Do you love me?”

3 - “Do I look fat?”

4 - “Do you think she is prettier than me?”

5 - “What would you do if I died?”

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:

1 - “What are you thinking?” The proper answer to this question,
of course, is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent,
beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.”

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the
guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of
five things:

a - Baseball

b - Football

c - How fat you are.

d - How much prettier she is than you.

e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

2 - “Do you love me?” The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.
” For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may
answer, Yes, dear.

Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.

b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c - That depends on what you mean by “love”.

d - Does it matter?

e - I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if
you died.

3 - “Do I look fat?” The correct male response to this question is
to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then
quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.

b - Compared to what?

c - A little extra weight looks good on you.

d - I’ve seen fatter.

e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.

4 - “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” The “she” in the
question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passerby you were starring at
so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a
movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, “No, you
are much prettier.”

Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.

b - I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.

c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.

d - Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.

e - I’m sorry, what did you say? I was thinking of how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

5 - “What would you do if I died?” Correct answer: “Dearest love,
in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have
meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires
of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.” This might be
the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following
stupid joke:

“Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?”

“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband. “Why do
you ask such a question?”

“Would you remarry?” persevered the wife.

“No, of course not, dear”
said the husband.

“Don’t you like being married?” said the wife. “Of course I do, dear”
he said.

“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”

“Alright,” said the husband, “I’d
remarry.”

“You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

“Yes” said the
husband.

“Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long
pause.

“Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband.

“I see,” said the wife indignantly.” And would you let her wear my
old clothes?”

“I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband.

“Really,” said the wife icily. “And would you take down the pictures
of me and replace them with pictures of her?”

“Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.”

“Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose
you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.”

“Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She’s left-handed.”

Gender, Relationship

Gender, Translation

Gender, Translation

1. Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
   
   female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological
   longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
   
   male: Food,sex and beer.

2. Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
   
   female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
   
   male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend
   with the guys.

3. Butt (but) n.
   
   female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes
   “look bigger.”
   
   male: The organ used for mooning and holding a tool belt on.

4. Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
   
   female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
   
   male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s
   girlfriend.

5. Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
   
   female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
   
   male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

6. Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
   
   female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
   
   male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male
   bonding.

7. Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
   
   female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the
   upper levels in business.
   
   male: What would really be great at work
   since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

8. Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
   
   female: A woman who makes love to other women.
   
   male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get
   really turned on.

9. Making love (may-king luv) n.
   
   female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
   
   male: What men have to call “boinking” to get women to boink.

10. Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
    
    female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
    
    male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2
    minutes.

11. Taste (tayst) v.
    
    female: Something you do frequently to whatever you’re cooking, to
    make sure it’s good.
    
    male: Something you must do to anything you
    think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

12. Thingie (thing-ee) n.
    
    female: Any part under a car’s hood.
    
    male: The strapfastener on a woman’s bra.

13. Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    
    female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
    
    male: Playing ball without a cup.
    

Gender, Lists, Relationship