Virtual Illusions

(No offense intended or implied)

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
   
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
   
3. You know stuff about tanks.
   
4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
   
5. Monday Night Football.
   
6. You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.
   
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
   
8. You can open all your own jars.
   
9. Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained
   weight.
   
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
    
11. When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at
    every shot of somebody crying.
    
12. Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.
    
13. All your orgasms are real.
    
14. A beer gut doesn’t make you invisible to the opposite sex.
    
15. Guy in hockey masks don’t attack you (unless you smash ‘em into
    the boards).
    
16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere
    you
    go.
    
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
    
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
    
19. Your last name stays put.
    
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
    
21. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that
    everyone secretly hates you.
    
22. You can kill your own food.
    
23. The garage is all yours.
    
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
    
26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
    
27. You never have to clean a toilet.
    
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
    
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
    
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
    still
    be your friend.
    
32. your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
    
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
    
34. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
    
35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
    
36. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
    
37. If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.
    
38. You can write your name in the snow.
    
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
    
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
    
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
    
42. You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
    
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
    
44. Flowers fix everything.
    
45. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
    
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
    
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
    
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
    
49. You can eat a banana.
    
50. You can say anything (”Wow, do my balls hurt!”) and not worry
    about what people will think.
    
51. Foreplay is optional.
    
52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
    
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a
    room.
    
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
    
55. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader’s
    coming by.
    
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
    
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    
58. You don’t give a rat’s ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
    
59. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
    ever thinking He must be mad at me.
    
60. The world is your urinal.
    
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover’s
    about to leave you.
    
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
    
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
    
64. One mood, all the time
    
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
    like him.
    
66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this
    one’s just too skeevy.
    
67. you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
    
68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.
    
69. Same work…more pay!
    
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
    
71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
    adjustment.
    
72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
    
73. You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind you back.
    
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s
    population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
    
75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
    
76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
    
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
    
78. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
    
79. ESPN’s SportsCenter.
    
80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
    gift.
    
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
    
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
    
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you
    naked.
    
84. You needn’t pretend you’re “Freshening up” to go to the
    bathroom.
    
85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t
    tell
    your other friends you’ve changed.
    
86. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
    
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “Fuck
    it.”
    
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
    just
    might become lifelong buddies.
    
89. Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.
    
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
    
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not
    in
    the mood.
    
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
    
93. If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a
    hammer or throw it across the room.
    
94. New shoes don’t blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
    
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
    
96. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and
    anniversaries.
    
97. Not liking a person doesn’t preclude having great sex with them.
    
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So…notice
    anything different?”
    
99. Baywatch
    
100. There’s always a game on somewhere.

10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY

1. You have to take out the garbage.
   
2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
   
3. No sofas in your restrooms.
   
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
   
5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper,
   you’re not allowed to cry.
   
6. James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.
   
7. Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
   
8. You have to wear ties.
   
9. you can’t flirt you way out of a jam.
   
10. “Women and children first.”

Gender, Relationship, Sex

Programming Languages are like Women

There are so many programming languages available that it can be very
difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one
for you. On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to
them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming
languages that describes what kind of women they would be if
programming languages were women.

Assembler

- A female track star who holds all the world speed
records.

She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can
cook up any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is
not beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables like “MOV,
JUMP, INC”. She has a fierce and violent temper that make her the
choice of last resort.

FORTRAN

- Your grey-haired grandmother.

People make fun of her just because she is old, but if you take the
time to listen, you can learn from her experiences and her
mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired many useful skills in
sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) that no younger women can
match, so be thankful she is still around. She has a notoriously bad
temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was
mostly her bad temper that made grandad search for another wife.

COBOL

- A plump secretary.

She talks far too much, and most of what she says can be ignored. She
works hard and long hours, but can’t handle really complicated
jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes
working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows
bland recipes.

BASIC

- The horny divorcee that lives next door.

Her specialty is seducing young boys and it seems she is always
readily available for them. She teaches them many amazing things, or
at least they seem amazing because it is their first experience. She
is not that young herself, but because she was their first lover the
boys always remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are
mediocre, but largely irrelevant, its the frolicking that the boys
like.

The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some
fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But
generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly
influenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like
Miss Pascal.

PL/I

- A bordello madam.

She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high heels. At one time
she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems overweight and
tacky. Tastes change.

C

- A lady executive.

An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative. Is a good cook if
you like spicy food. Unless you double check everything you say
(through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is
still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will
grow up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more
sophisticated character.

ALGOL 60

- Your fathers wartime sweetheart, petite, well
proportioned, and sweet tempered.

She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad still talks
about her shapely form and their steamy romance. He never actually
tasted much of her cooking, but they did exchange simple recipes by
mail.

Pascal

- A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60’s younger sister.

Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a
good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot
(module).

Modula II

- A high-school teacher and Pascal’s daughter.

Very much like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than
one pot.

ALGOL 68

- Algol 60’s niece.

A high-society woman, well educated and terse. Few men can fully
understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still discuss her
mysterious personality. She is very choosy about her romances and
won’t take just any man as her lover. She hasn’t been seen lately, and
rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower.

LISP

- She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with
her hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH.

Many men (mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse,
enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that
take place there. Others criticize the long cooking times, and the
abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these women
seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise
them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency.

APL

- A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food.

She can cook delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens
of people at each table. She doesn’t talk much, as that would just
slow her work down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they
are in a foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing.

LOGO

- A grade-school art teacher.

She is just the kind of teacher that you wish you had when you were
young. She is shapely and patient, but not an interesting
conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not
full-course meals.

LUCID & PROLOG

- These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking
skill.

They can cook up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely
from a description of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many
men are fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage. Others
complain that the girls work very slowly, and that often the
description of the meal must be just as long as a recipe would be. It
is hard to predict what these girls will be like when they are fully
mature.

Ada

- A WAC colonel built like an amazon.

She is always setting strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps
her temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army regulations,
and using obscure military talk. You gotta love her though, because
the army says so.

Computers, Gender, Programmers

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found
that
it’s a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other
applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention
of
this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the
documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be
expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0
installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization
where it can monitor all other system activity. He’s finding that some
applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are
no
longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected
(even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0
provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as
MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance
seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he’d like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.

• A “Don’t remind me again” button
• Minimize button
• An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the
  option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system
  resources.

• An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would
  allow
  the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by
sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0.
You
must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long
standing
bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of
GirlFriend
have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have
fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall
program
for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn’t work very well leaving undesirable traces of
the
application in the system.

Another thing that sucks — all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up
little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

***** BUG WARNING ********

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before
uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the
uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming
insufficient resources.

*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system
and
never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also,
beware
of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses
that
may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under
an
anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally
be
downloaded from the UseNet.

Computers, Gender

This new product will reduce your communications needs considerably. Its intuitive interactions will often leave you scratching your head in wonder. From your minimal communications with this package, it will quickly presume who your friends are (and even what their habits are), who you should be communicating with in order to advance your career, and let you know continually whether you are communicating effectively with the FeMail itself.

You may find that FeMail reduces your unnecessary communications with friends and associates. Your FeMail will intercept incoming communications from all sources and make a determination as to whether or not they should be relayed to you. The FeMail is especially thorough when examining messages from other FeMail systems. These messages will be examined for intent as well as content.

Messages that are received from other Mails will be scanned for intention by your FeMail. Any messages that will reduce your productivity at home or at the office (invitations to bars or parties, where the FeMail may lose contact with you for more than two hours for example) will be delivered to you only after they can no longer be acted upon. A true productivity increase is then possible, and your FeMail will even help you decide how to use this spare time to attend to maintenance issues.

In fact, you may find that the FeMail methods are far beyond your comprehension. Often times the FeMail responses you receive will be 180 degrees different than the direction you thought you were heading. In every case though, you will be compelled to agree with the decisions that your FeMail makes. Most areas where a FeMail is installed find that agreeing with the FeMail is easier than attempting to justify opposinglogic.

The FeMail package includes modules for Cognitive Interpretation, Intuition, Presumptions, Innuendos (even some you may not realize), Inflection, and Encryption. (The encryption package is particularly effective, allowing other mails absolutely no chance of interpreting interchanges between two FeMails).

You will find yourself becoming dependent on the interactions that a FeMail makes possible. Once the FeMail begins working in your daily activities, you may find yourself changing certain actions to avoid conflicting with the FeMail suggestions.

The FeMail is extremely comprehensive, and provides only for a single user interface in most cases. The instructions included with your FeMail indicates that it may interact openly with other Mails in a conversational mode, but that you should never interact with someone else’s FeMail, even in a conversational mode, and most certainly not in an interactive mode. The FeMail communications links have demonstrated an ability to intuit these actions even if you believe your FeMail would be unaware of the interaction. Continued interaction with FeMails that are not your own will be considered a security violation, and you may find yourself cutoff from interaction with your own FeMail.

Because of the complexity and high-level of interface required, there are certain times (based roughly on a lunar month) when your FeMail system may behave erratically. During this particular cycle, your interactions with the FeMail should be monitored closely, and offensive or interpretive language removed. The FeMail may misinterpret even simple communications efforts during this short time. This is an unavoidable problem that the FeMail has endured since its inception, and we are still attempting to overcome this minor glitch.

Should a misinterpretation occur, your FeMail will store the data indefinitely, and only recall the misinterpretation when it can loosely associate it with other facts not necessarily related to the communications process. You will find these recollections and associations puzzling, but they all contribute to the operation of the FeMail system.

Obtain Femail today, and you will be surprised at the changes it will make in your life!!!!

Computers, Gender

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
6. It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’sthe only thing it should be used for, but most folks
   today use it for fun most of the time.
4. If you don’t apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
3. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
1. If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

Computers, Gender