Virtual Illusions

Bush Rests Comfortably After Surgery to Implant Pacemaker in Brain
Posted on Friday, July 13 @ 09:34:24 EDT By Tom McNichol, Salon

WASHINGTON — In the second White House health scare in little more than
a
week, doctors Wednesday night implanted a sophisticated pacemaker in
President Bush’s brain. The device, known as an implantable cranial
defibrillator, or ICD, continuously monitors and records the president’s
brain waves. When Mr. Bush’s brain activity becomes dangerously slow for
a
chief executive, the device delivers a mild electric shock, jolting the
president back to a relatively active mental state.

“I feel good,” the president told reporters several hours after the
operation. Bush then twitched noticeably. “I mean, I feel well,” he
said.

Doctors say the implant is performing flawlessly, although they’re
trying
to limit the number of shocks Bush receives to fewer than 100 a day. The
surgery came barely a week after Vice President Dick Cheney was fitted
with a
device to regulate his irregular heartbeat.

The White House portrayed last night’s medical procedure as an
“insurance
policy” against further problems for the president. At a news conference
at
George Washington University Hospital, where the operation was
performed,
doctors downplayed the seriousness of Bush’s condition. The periodic
electric jolts from the implant, physicians say, will have minimal
effect
on
the
president.

“His hair is not going to stand on end,” said chief surgeon Dr. Alan J.
Thayer. “Well, maybe a little.”

The president, looking tired but fit after his operation, said that the
device will help him function better as a world leader.

“The American people need to know that their president is equipped to
handle a trouble spot like Slovenia,” Mr. Bush said. “Serbia, I mean
Serbia,”
he
added, his head jerking violently.

Bush has an extensive medical history of moderately impaired thinking
and
reasoning, dating back to the 1970s. Doctors have long noted that the
president’s thoughts easily become confused, and that his public
pronouncements often deteriorate into a tangle of mispronunciations,
faulty
logic and bad grammar. Although Bush’s condition wasn’t serious enough
to
prevent him from running for president, or from winning the state of
Florida, doctors say his condition has deteriorated significantly in
recent
months.

The president’s brain wave activity dipped dangerously low during his
recent trip to Europe, and stopped altogether at one point during a
meeting
with
Russian president Vladimir Putin. The Russian leader was unaware of any
change in Mr. Bush’s condition, officials say.

Yesterday, the president’s doctors subjected him to a battery of mental
tests to assess his risk of developing a potentially fatal “zero brain
wave”
pattern. Once the risk was confirmed, surgeons decided to implant the
electronic device, which acts both as a pacemaker and a defibrillator.
The
pacemaker component is programmed to speed up the president’s thinking
when
it becomes abnormally slow. The defibrillator can shock his brain back
to
a
normal state if Bush’s thoughts become “too fast,” although doctors say
that the chances of that happening are remote.

The device that doctors sutured to the base of the president’s
cerebellum
is known as a Medtronic Gem IV DR model. (There were some problems with
an
earlier model, which had to be recalled by the manufacturer.) Such
devices,
once the stuff of science fiction, have become an increasingly common
tool
in modern neurology. Hundreds of prominent Americans have been fitted
with
so-called mental pacemakers in recent years, including actor Adam
Sandler,
TV personality Mary Hart, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, singer
Britney
Spears, Rep. Gary Condit, D-Calif., former vice president Dan Quayle,
and
the entire board of directors of the now-defunct Pets.com. Some of those
who
wear a mental pacemaker expressed hope that the president’s condition
would
raise public awareness about their circumstance.

“This may turn out to be a blessing in the skies for all of us,” said
talk
show host Maury Povich, who was fitted with one of the first Medtronic
devices four years ago. Mr. Povich trembled violently from head to toe
before adding, “I mean disguise, disguise, for God’s sake, turn it off.”

Bush has been advised to avoid deep thoughts for a few days to give the
device a chance to settle in place. Doctors say the president so far has
cooperated fully with the recommendation. Bush has also been told to
alternate holding his cell phone against his right and left ear so the
implant receives equal doses of radiation from each side. And the
president
will have to run at full speed whenever passing through White House
metal
detectors.

Several congressional leaders privately expressed concern about the
president’s medical procedure, coming barely a week after Cheney was
fitted
with a device to regulate his irregular heartbeat.

But Bush dismissed the worries, stating that the Bush-Cheney team is
“more
fit than ever” to lead the country.

“You’ll find no healthier duo than Dick Cheney and I,” Bush said. The
president hesitated, as if waiting for a signal, and when none came,
broke
into a toothy grin.

Government

If you receive an e-mail entitled “Boosh the Good Time Prez”, delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on discs within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on all your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play. It will program your phone to auto-dial the Moral Majority.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer - for God sakes are you listening !?!? - It will leave dirty socks on your coffee table when you are expecting company.

Then this virus gets down to business. It will send itself to the main computer at your place of employment where it’ll will rewrite corporate profit reports causing a huge downsizing of employees. Those who employees who don’t get laid off will have to kiss ass and do the work of twenty just to keep their jobs … and with less pay.

Then this virus is off to the Government’s main computer systems where pollution policies will be deleted or destroyed. Bogus studies will appear showing a huge tax surplus for the distant future and ignore any concern over the future of social security.

It will cause huge sums of money to flow into the upper 1% of America’s bank accounts while the rest of us wonder where our paycheck went.

It will subvert school studies to show that all students really need is school prayer and enough basic education to punch a clock and stay off welfare. Scientific studies will show that the world was really only created six thousand years ago. Oh and by the way it’s flat.

Then gas prices will go up with Big Oil profits (str ange how that works). But down will go wages, pollution standards, and complex thinking. The arms race will start again, other countries will hate us, and the words “Fortress America” will appear again after sixty-five years.

***WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN***

And don’t blame the current President. Studies will show it’s the fault of the previous administration (unless we have good times then bring on the applause). And don’t blame the rest of us cause we-voted-with-the-majority.

Computers, Government

The British Military writes OFRs (officer fitness reports). The form used
for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206.

The following are actual excerpts taken from people’s “206s”….

• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
• I would not breed from this officer.
• This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
  definitely won’t-be.

• When she opens her mouth, it seems that it’s only to change whichever
  foot was previously in there.

• He would be out of his depth in a car-park puddle.
• Technically sound, but socially impossible.
• This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope — always spinning
  around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny; since
  then he has aged considerably.

• This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
  port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

• Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
• She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
  them.

• He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
• This Officer should go far — and the sooner he starts, the better.
• In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
• This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
  trap.

Government, Urban Legends

SuperMac records a certain number of technical support calls at random, to keep tabs on customer satisfaction. By wild “luck”, they managed to catch the following conversation on tape.

Some poor SuperMac TechSport got a call from some middle level official… from the legitimate government of Trinidad. The fellow spoke very good English, and fairly calmly described the problem.

It seemed there was a coup attempt in progress at that moment. However, the national armoury for that city was kept in the same building as the Legislature, and it seems that there was a combination lock on the door to the armoury. Of the people in the capitol city that day, only the Chief of the Capitol Guard and the Chief Armourer knew the combination to the lock, and they had already been killed.

So, this officer of the government of Trinidad continued, the problem is this. The combination to the lock is stored in a file on the Macintosh, but the file has been encrypted with the SuperMac product called Sentinel. Was there any chance, he asked, that there was a “back door” to the application, so they could get the combination, open the armoury door, and defend the Capitol Building and the legitimately elected government of Trinidad against the insurgents?

All the while he is asking this in a very calm voice, there is the sound of gunfire in the background. The Technical Support guy put the person on hold. A phone call to the phone company verified that the origin of the call was in fact Trinidad. Meanwhile, there was this mad scramble to see if anybody knew of any “back doors” in the Sentinel program.

As it turned out, Sentinel uses DES to encrypt the files, and there was no known back door. The Tech Support fellow told the customer that aside from trying to guess the password, there was no way through Sentinel, and that they’d be better off trying to physically destroy the lock.

The official was very polite, thanked him for the effort, and hung up. That night, the legitimate government of Trinidad fell. One of the BBC reporters mentioned that the casualties seemed heaviest in the capitol, where for some reason, there seemed to be little return fire from the government forces.

Computers, Government, Technology, Urban Legends

Actual Quotes:

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with
those people.”

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”

“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child.”

“Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.”

“Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind
is being very wasteful. How true that is.”

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean
in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t
live in this century.”

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change.”

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.”

“May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.”

“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”

“We don’t want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.”

“I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in
the Future.”

“The future will be better tomorrow.”

“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”

“People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact on history.”

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”

“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We
have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.”

“Public speaking is very easy.”

“I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.”

“I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.”

“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls.”

“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and
the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to
blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the
killings? The killers are to blame.”

“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
it.”

“Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still
has a job next year.”

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children.”

“The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that
Dan Quayle may or may not make.”

“We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the mistakes we may or may not have made.”

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

“[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”

Government, Lists, Quotes, Urban Legends

We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I

You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone — not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI

You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you.

ARTICLE VII

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII

You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you’d like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX

You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness — which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Government, Law/Crime

These mimic the “Washington rules” on how to conduct business in our
nation’s capital:

1. If it’s worth fighting for, it’s worth fighting dirty for.
   
2. Don’t lie, cheat, or steal unnecessarily.
   
3. There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.
   
4. An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
   
5. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
   
6. Chicken little only has to be right once.
   
7. “No” is only an interim response.
   
8. You can’t kill a bad idea.
   
9. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
   
10. The truth is variable.
    
11. A porcupine with its quills down is just another fat rodent.
    
12. You can agree with any concept or notional future option, but fight
    implementation every step of the way.
    
13. A promises is not a guarantee.
    
14. If you can’t counter an argument, leave the meeting.

Government, Lists, Regional

Consider these curious facts:

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names compromise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.

Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And last but not least…

A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Government, Urban Legends

16. Every time she cuts her 8am class, CNN switches to a live feed from the lecture hall.
    
15. PoliSci textbook only contains pictures from her “dumpy” years.
    
14. Social life hampered by mandatory Secret Service body cavity search of potential dates.
    
13. No room in dorm for all those boxes of missing Whitewater documents.
    
12. Daddy won’t sign the Cafeteria Food Reform Bill.
    
11. No one wants to waste good pot on a Clinton.
    
10. Steamy makeout sessions usually end with the guy getting his ass kicked by the Secret Service.
    
9. Tipper no longer around to clean up after her and Socks.
   
8. Every boy who hits on you winds up on a “peacekeeping force” in Bosnia within 48 hours.
   
7. Constant comparisons to notable Stanford alum Ted Koppel usually refer to physical resemblance.
   
6. Bourbon shots not free like the ones “Uncle Ted” serves back home.
   
5. Drunken frat boys always confusing her with Amy Carter.
   
4. Football coach keeps begging her to get Janet Reno to enroll.
   
3. RA’s write you up if the Chinese Delegates stay past midnight.
   
2. Anatomy lab cadaver none other than Al Gore.

   and the Number 1 Chelsea Clinton Pet Peeve About College…

1. The man makes 200 grand a year-you’d think he could bring his own weed when he visits.
   

Government, School

11. Excuse me “Your Honor”, but she was on top
    
10. I didn’t want people to confuse me with the Pope on TV
    
9. She’s not THAT young. In Arkansas, the age of consent is only 16
   
8. Hey, At least she’s prettier than Paula Jones or Gennifer Flowers
   
7. I had to show the American People that I WASN’T impotent for my second term in office
   
6. I was jealous of Nixon with his ‘Tricky Dick” nickname
   
5. I didn’t leave a message on her voicemail. Get with it. This is the 90’s, I sent her E-MAIL!
   
4. See I’m not a Lame duck. She said I was pretty GOOD!
   
3. My real name is not William Jefferson Clinton. It’s William KENNEDY Clinton.
   
2. I couldn’t control myself. It was genetic. I was in her jeans — oops, I mean it was in my genes.
   
1. “I didn’t insert”
   

Government