Virtual Illusions

This is what it is like everytime I visit my parents:

Christmas Back Home

Holiday, Life

Gleaned via my time machine from over 2000 years in the future, the debate over scripture still rages…

Q: I’m unclear about the nature of the Trinity. Can you explain it in more detail?

A: The nature of the Trinity is a tricky subject even for scholars. Essentially, the Godhead is composed of Santa Claus, Frosty (the Son) and Rudolph (the Spirit). Though Santa Claus is the ruler of the North Pole, admittance to the Pole is only achieved through belief in Frosty. Rudolph, as the Spirit, is both a part of and apart from Santa and the Son. Additionally, Rudolph may manifest himself within others, including Frosty but not Santa Claus (who’s will rules all). Frosty may manifest Himself in Rudolph, though He does not manifest in man (since He is part man and part divinity). All of the authors of Scripture were possessed of Rudolph while writing, and this is why we say that Santa manifested Himself through Rudolph to produce a completely inerrant work. Simple, isn’t it?

Q: Santa is depicted as a rather portly Being, and yet He can slip down chimneys with ease. How is this logically possible?

A: Remember that we are speaking of the chimneys of antiquity and not the ones found in homes today. Archeological digs supervised by our own Ministry have unearthed chimneys as large as 15 feet square, thus fully capable of accommodating Santa’s legendary girth. However, the problem is moot since Santa, being divine, could go through the key hole if he so desired.

Q: The Book of “‘Twas” lists eight reindeer, and yet Rudolph makes nine. How do you explain this obvious discrepancy?

A: A careful reading of the relevant passage easily harmonizes this “discrepancy”�

�When, what to my wondering eyes did appear
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

Scripture makes specific reference to “eight TINY reindeer”. Rudolph was a reindeer of average proportions. Therefore, there is no discrepancy. The sleigh was being pulled by eight “tiny” reindeer and one normal sized reindeer, namely Rudolph.

Q: How did Santa navigate in foggy weather before Rudolph? Are we to believe that there were no foggy Clausmas nights prior to His birth?

A: Yes. In fact, there were no foggy nights period before the advent of Rudolph. Scripture clearly teaches that Santa created fog to punish “all of the other reindeer” for laughing at Rudolph’s radiant nose and the sin of idolatry. Since that time, however, Rudolph’s glorious light has led many out of sin and into the eternal holiness of the North Pole, there to bask in the glory of the True Claus.

Q: How do we know that Frosty is the Son of Santa? He’s not even mentioned in the Book of ‘Twas.

A: You need to read more carefully, my friend! Frosty is clearly referred to many times�

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Gave luster of midday to objects below�

�is a clear reference to Frosty’s nature as both snow and man (that is, “breast” fed) and his ability to “shine light” upon (or illuminate) objects below. Additionally,

�his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

�is a clear reference to Frosty’s coal (or “ashes and soot”) eyes. Also, both Frosty and Santa smoke pipes, wear hats and are jolly. What more evidence do you need?

Q: Isn’t Frosty just another “resurrection” god, much like Adonis, Jesus and Osiris? And what’s so special about His resurrection anyway? Doesn’t water turn into snow automatically when the temperature drops?

A: The resurrection of Frosty differs in many ways from that of others. First, Frosty did not just “turn into snow” by some capricious act of nature, but rather his resurrection was self willed. Secondly, He Himself forecast His own resurrection - it was not forecast by local weather stations of the period, contrary to the opinions of some skeptics. And finally, He forecast His ultimate return to earth to judge the unworthy with His last remark�

�he waved goodbye, saying
“Don’t you cry, I’ll be back again someday!”

I’ll be ready for his return. Will you, my friend?

Q: In the often quoted passage�

Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus
Who despises all things homosexual in nature and will cast their sinning asses into hell
Right down Santa Claus lane�

�the third line doesn’t seem to “scan” with regards to the rest of the text. Is it possible that the text has been tampered with in some way?

A: No. It is a common ploy among those with a homosexual agenda to try to discredit Scripture by claiming that those who wrote it had some sort of bias or political agenda. Just because they don’t like what Santa had to say about their life-style is no reason for them to try to re-write Scripture. Much the same argument has been advanced by pro-abortionists who view �

�It’s a beautiful sight, we’re happy tonight, Santa hates baby-killers,
Walkin’ in a Winter Wonderland�.

�as some sort “altered” text. The authors of the Scriptures were DIVINELY moved by the will of Santa through the power of Rudolph. They had no political agenda whatsoever, and in fact, we have good evidence to support the claim that most were far too uneducated to even spell the word “agenda”.

Q: The verse�

�there must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found
For when they placed it on His head, He began to dance around�
�seems to strongly imply that magic was involved in Frosty’s initial creation. Yet the Church forbids such practices. Explain.

A: This is purely a problem of translation, not doctrine. The word “magic” here comes to us from the root maj - ika, which means literally “divinely given holy power of the Santa”. Some newer versions of Scripture have actually edited out this deceptive translation and the text now reads (as it always should have)�

�there must have been some divinely given holy power of the Santa in that old silk hat they found�

�and there was, my friend, there was.

Holiday, Religion

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”

The clerk says, “What denomination?”

The woman says, Oh my God. Has it come to this?

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Protestants, 32 Baptists.”

Holiday, Religion

CHENEY’S BRIEF APPEARANCE, RETURN TO SECURE LOCATION MAY MEAN SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER, EXPERTS SAY

White House Downplays Veep’s Influence Over Seasons

Vice President Dick Cheney emerged from his secure, undisclosed location to make the rounds of the morning news programs this Sunday, but then immediately returned to his hiding place — indicating that America may be in for six more weeks of winter, according to experts.

While appearing with Tim Russert on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” observers say, the Vice President seemed distracted, looking over his shoulder repeatedly as if trying to see his own shadow. A review of the broadcast indicates that Vice President Cheney, in fact, appeared to locate his shadow towards the end of the program.

He then abruptly concluded the interview, cancelled an appearance with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer and returned to his secure, undisclosed location, which is believed to be underground. Experts were divided as to impact of Cheney’s brief appearance and sudden disappearance upon the duration of the current winter season.

“You can read anything you want into Cheney seeing his own shadow and going back underground,” one Cheney-watcher said. “Yes, it may mean six more weeks of winter, but it may just mean that he’s trying to stay as far away from this Enron mess as possible.”

At the White House, press secretary Ari Fleischer attempted to downplay the increasingly widespread impression that Vice-President Cheney can influence the seasons.

“Vice President Cheney is a respected voice within this Administration, but he does not control the weather,” Fleischer told reporters. “Only the President can do that.”

Government, Holiday

Late Christmas week I was rushing around trying to get some last minute
shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the
season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot
as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I
noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumblingunder my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I wassearching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing.

The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged
flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night’s chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four
sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was
poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to
support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents.

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall when a boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

“Why didn’t you scream for help?” I asked.

The boy said, “I did.”

“And nobody came to help you?” I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

“How loud did you scream?” I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, “Help me!”

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry
for help. So I grabbed his other hundred bill and ran to my car.

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!

Signed,
Kenneth Lay
Enron CEO

Holiday

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck

How to live in a world that’s politically correct?

His workers no longer answer to “elves”

Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the North Pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul

Four Reindeer had vanished, without much propriety

Released to the wild by the Humane Society

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use JUST reindeer

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid

Were replaced with four pigs and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had to be removed from his sleigh

The ruts were termed dangerous by the EPA

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their roof tops.

Second hand smoke from his pipe had workers frightened

His fur trimmed red suit was called “unenlightened”

And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows

Rudolph was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

He had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation

Demanding millions in overdue compensation

So half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife

who suddenly decided she’d had enough of this life

Joined a self help group packed and left in a whiz

Demanding from now on her title be “Ms.”

And as for the gifts, why, he ne’er had a notion

That making a choice could cause such a commotion

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur

which meant nothing for him, and nothing for her

Nothing that might be constituted to pollute

Nothing to aim, nothing to shoot

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise

Nothing for just girls or just for the boys

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific

Nothing that’s war-like or non-pacific

No candy or sweets- they were bad for the tooth

Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological

No baseball, no football- someone could get hurt

Besides playing sports exposed kids to dirt

Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,

He just couldn’t figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay

But you’ve got to be careful with that word today

His sack quite empty, limp to the ground

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right

A gift that would satisfy with no indecision

Each group of people, every religion

Every ethnicity, every hue

Everyone, everywhere—–even you

So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth-

“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth”

Merry Christmas All!

Holiday

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at
being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties,
and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be
around to smell it).

So, here’s my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
   sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
   these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to
   have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white.
   What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
   underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);

3. A REAL man…maybe GI Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
   wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what’s with that earring
   anyway?
   If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
   anatomically correct;

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
   away once he is anatomically correct;

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist,
   just get it done;

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How
   about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.
   or even a buyer at Ford Motor Company for goodness sake!

8. A new, more ’90s persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie”, complete with a
   miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag
   of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun, outfitted
   with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie”, sporting a
   removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum;

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years–I think I deserve it;
    

OK, Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you
can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie

Holiday

In a local county courthouse the Clerk of Court hated fake Christmas trees, so he always put up a real tree in the Clerk’s office every year. One year the Fire Marshal happened to do a building inspection of the courthouse just before Christmas, while the Clerk was out to lunch, and noticed the tree. In the belief that the tree represented a fire hazard, he proceeded to write a citation for a violation of the fire code, which prohibited “live” trees in a public building, and gave it to the Clerk’s assistant.

When the Clerk returned from lunch and was given the citation, he hit the roof. Determined that no Fire Marshal was going to spoil his Christmas, he decided to fight the citation. So he went to the morgue in the adjoining police station, and asked the Coroner for his help. The Coroner came over and put a toe tag on the tree, listing the cause of death as “Being cut off at ground level”.

The Clerk called the Fire Marshal back to re-inspect, and showed him the toe tag on the tree. He told him that when the Coroner pronounces something “dead”, it is legally dead, and therefore the citation for having a “live” tree was obviously in error, and wasn’t worth the paper it was written on.

The Fire Marshal thought about it, and came to the realization that, since he would have to pursue the fire code violation in that very courtroom, this was probably one argument he wasn’t going to win. So he let them have their tree.

Holiday, Law/Crime, Urban Legends

by Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely

57 ELM STREET
BETHLEHEM, PA.
11:51 P.M., DECEMBER 24TH

We’re too late! It’s already been here.

Mulder, I hope you know what you’re doing.

Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

You really think someone’s been here?

Someone, or something.

Mulder, over here–it’s a fruitcake.

Don’t touch it! Those things can be lethal.

It’s O.K. There’s a note attached: “Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.”

It’s judging them, Scully. It’s making a list.

Who? What are you talking about?

Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of antracite.

But that’s legend, Mulder–a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don’t believe it?

Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive–and in a hurry.

It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.

It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There’s no sign of forced entry.

Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Wait a minute, Mulder. If you’re saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you’re crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.

But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?

You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Exactly. Scully, I’ve never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I’ll never foget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

Impossible.

I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!

I’m sorry, Mulder, but you’re asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you’re saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they’ll close the X-files.

Scully, listen to me: It knows when you’re sleeping. It knows when you’re awake.

But we have no proof.

Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.

But that was a meteor shower.

Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody–not even the zookeeper–was told about it. The government doesn’t want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There’s too much at stake. They’ll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.

Mulder, I–

Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?

On the roof. It sounds like…a clatter.

The truth is up there. Let’s see what’s the matter.

Fiction, Holiday

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of
   living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
   and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only
   Santa has seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (under 18) in the world. But since Santa
   doesn’t appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, and Jewish children, that
   reduces the work load to 15% of the total - 378 million or so. At an
   average rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One
   presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with thanks to time zones and
   the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works out
   to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian
   household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop
   out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, istribute the
   remaining gifts under the tree, eat the snacks, get back up the chimney,
   get back in the sleigh, and move on to the next house. Assuming that each
   of these 91.8 million homes are distributed evenly (which we know to be
   false but for the sake of these calculations we will accept) we are now
   talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 ½ million miles,
   not counting bathroom stops. This means that Santa’s sleigh is traveling at
   650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For comparison, the
   fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe moves at a poky 27.4 MPS;
   the average reindeer runs at 15 MPH.
4. The sleighs payload adds another interesting element. Assuming that each
   child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (2 pounds), the sleigh
   is carrying 321,300 tons not counting Santa, who is inexorably described as
   overweight. On land, confessional reindeer can pull no more than 300
   pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point one) could pull TEN
   TIMES the usual amount, we can not do the job with 8 or even 9, we need
   214,000 reindeer. This increases the weight, not even counting the sleigh,
   to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison this is 4 times the weight of the
   Queen Elizabeth 2.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
   resistance. This will heat the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft
   re-entering the earths atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb
   14.2 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will
   burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the next pair of
   reindeer, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
   team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second. Santa,
   meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times the
   force of gravity. A 300 pound Santa would be pinned to the back of his
   sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
6. Conclusion: There was a Santa, but he’s dead now.

The Snacks Addendum
By My Roommate

I believe that the above analysis glosses over the key fact: the
snacks. Why do we leave snacks for Santa? Why does he need them? Assuming
the 91.8 million homes identified as his target area and assuming a payload
of 3 cookies and a glass of milk he is consuming 390 calories per household
(assuming 3 chips deluxe cookies and 2% milk) which somes out to a Christmas
Eve chaloric intake of 35.8 billion callories in just over a day. According
to back of a box of Chips Deluxe (suspicuosly made by little elves in trees
I might add) the average human daily intake is 2000 calories. This comes
out to roughly 13 million times more chalories than the average human. Now
remember that chalories are human fuel, we turn them into energy. I propose
that Santa is actually a human (or not so human) generator. And that he not
only powers the “sleigh” (the raindeer are only there for marketing reasons,
you know animals and babies and such) but also the force field that keeps
everyone intact.
…and to all a good night!

Holiday, Science