Virtual Illusions

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children.
3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if Gay marriage is allowed, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is illegal.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to things like cars or longer lifespan.
12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

Government, Lists, Relationship

1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in “y”.
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh’n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lamb’s wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is sdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier’puyykmm4hbdm9l o9jmdskdm,.USING IT.
    

    Lists

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity…probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Corporate, Lists

Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen

Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGEDisneyCiscoFordRJRNabiscoExxonMobil of Monopoly Charges

50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

Baby Conceived Naturally

It Wasn’t the Cigarettes — It Was the Ashtrays

Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President

Florida to Be Readmitted to Union

Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock

Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome young Actor.
“This Is True Love,” He Beams.

Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In DC

Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens

Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife

Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants

Younger Generation’s Music Provokes Outrage of Elders

DC National Zoo to Receive Rare Cow

Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby’s

Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper’s Allegations

Lists, Other

These are the 10 winners of this year’s Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one
writes only the first line of a bad novel. (Victorian author Edward
George Bulwer-Lytton is famous–or is it infamous–for writing the novel
that began “It was a dark and stormy night.”)

1. Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying
   two dead raccoons. The
   stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry,
   gentlemen, only one carrion
   allowed per passenger.”

2. Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One
   went to Hollywood and
   became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the
   cotton fields and
   never amounted to much. The second one, naturally,
   became known as the
   lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but
   when they lit a fire in
   the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t
   have your kayak and
   heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old
   West. He slides up to
   the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who
   shot my paw.”

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
   Novocain during a root
   canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
   and were standing in
   the lobby discussing their recent tournament
   victories. After about an
   hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
   them to disperse.
   “But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
   “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting
   in an open foyer.”

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
   One of them goes to a
   family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes
   to a family in Spain;
   they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a
   picture of himself to his
   birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
   her husband that she
   wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
   responds, “They’re
   twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments,
   so they opened up a
   small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone
   liked to buy flowers from
   the men of God, a rival florist across town thought
   the competition was
   unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
   they would not. He
   went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored
   him. So, the rival
   florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
   vicious thug in town
   to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars
   and trashed
   their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close
   up shop.
   Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and
   only Hugh, can
   prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
   of the time, which
   produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He
   also ate very
   little, which made him rather frail and with his odd
   diet, he suffered from
   bad breath. This made him…. what? (This is so bad,
   it’s good) A
   super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten
    different puns to
    friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns
    would make them laugh.
    Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Lists

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.

Two rules for life: (1) Don’t tell people everything
you know. (2) They say if you build a better
mousetrap, the world will beat down your door. But
usually it’s just one neighbor, and he’ll probably
quit once you stop throwing dead mice in his yard.

I went to a strip mall the other day. Let me tell
you, I was disappointed. Everybody else had on clothes.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

I’m in love with a girl who doesn’t even know I’m
alive. She thinks she got me with her long-range
rifle, but she missed.

Just because it’s toxic doesn’t mean it’s not tasty.

Never let your willpower get the best of you.

I thought learning to play the bagpipes was hard
until I realized I was just strangling an ostrich.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Don’t sweat petty things… or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Money can’t buy love. Get a new car for your spouse–it’ll be a great
trade!

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

Lists

Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance
pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286
words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence,
but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through
my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a
slow learner.”

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’ ”

What is Windows 95/8?

Windows 95 is a 32-bit extension for a 16-bit patch for a 8-bit
operating system which was originally coded for a 4-Bit microprocessor
by a 2-bit company that can’t stand 1-bit of competition.

“It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion; it is by the cans of
cola that the thoughts acquire speed, hands acquire shaking, the shaking
becomes a warning; it is with caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion.”

“The hypothalamus is one of the most imporotant parts of the brain, involved
in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls
the Four F’s: 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating.”

“There are moments when, even to the sober eye of reason, the world
of our sad humanity may assume the semblance of hell.”

“If the Narns all stood together in one place and hated all at the
same time, that hatred would fly across dozens of light years and reduce
Centauri Prime to a ball of ash - that is how much they hate us.”

“Lord Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change.

The Courage To Change the Things I Can,

And the Wisdom to Hide the Bodies of Those People I Had to Kill

Because they Pissed Me Off.”

“Religiones antiquae et arma ridiculae non comparant cum bono telo
eruptionis igneae latero te, puer.” ["Ancient religions and hokey
weapons are no match for a good blaster at you side, kid"]

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.

Lists, Quotes

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain
   speaking, I just
   wanted to take this time to remind you that your
   seat cushions can be
   used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of
   geography trivia.
   If you can recognize where we are, tell your
   flight attendant and
   receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up
   perspective of the
   local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of
   our airlines new
   commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing
   extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o’clock….one on our
   tail!!!! Eject!!!!
   Eject!!!!!!!

5. ummmmmm….Sorry……(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after
   takeoff)….uhhhhh….we
   have to go back ….we ..we ….uhhhhhh
   ….forgot something…..

7. I’m sure everyone’s noticed the loss of an
   engine, however the
   reduction in weight and drag will mean we’ll be
   flying much more
   efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually
   true for prop
   aircraft!)

8. Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend
   with the suicidal
   driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

9. This is your Captain speaking….these darn
   planes are a lot
   different than the ships I’m used to..so you’ll
   have to give me some
   leeway……

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone
    closed their shades
    and watched the in-flight movie.

11. We’ve now reached our cruising altitude of
    20,000 feet and… Oh
    no…

12. Don’t worry that one is always on E…
13. Get the parachutes ready…
14. Drinks are on me…or I’ll have what the
    Captain’s having…

Lists