Virtual Illusions

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
   
2. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
   
3. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
   
4. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
   
5. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
   
6. The careful application of terror is a viable form of communication.
   
7. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the rest of the
   world.
   
8. Things are more like they are today than they have ever been before.
   
9. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
   
10. Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
    
11. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
    
12. Suicide is the severest form of self-criticism.
    
13. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
    
14. If you can smile when things go wrong, you’ve already designated a
    scapegoat.
    
15. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
    
16. By the time you make ends meet, the ends have moved.
    
17. Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.
    
18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
    
19. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
    
20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Lists

15) Forward progress hampered by slow moving white Bronco.

14) Torch commandeered in Waco by over-zealous ATF agents.

13) One really pissed off Smokey the Bear.

12) Budget cuts cause torch to be replaced by
less-than-dependable Bic lighter.

11) Difficulty getting melted marshmellows off torch after
“s’mores” party got out of hand.

10) Running 7 miles before realizing the torch is still at the last rest
stop.

9) First-degree burns to runners unfamiliar with how to
“receive the baton”.

Jim Bob, lying in wait on the outskirts of Memphis with a
case of Bud and a supersoaker.

7) Rosie Ruiz takes flame in NYC — appears 30 minutes later in
Atlanta.

6) Drive-by goosings.

5) Torchbearers driven insane by repeated playing of the
“Chariots of Fire” theme.

4) Torch-jackings in urban areas.

3) Crazed hippie terrorists replace Olympic Torch with new
Olympic Bong.

2) Male runners repeatedly get lost and refuse to stop for
directions.

And the Number 1 Problem Encountered

Along the Olympic Torch Route…

1) Obnoxious drunks who run up and yell, “No, I meant a BUD
light!”

Lists

It was only a matter of time…..

As presented on the 06/30/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID
LETTERMAN

10. Got a little carried away after seeing “Face/Off”
    
9. Really wanted to win first prize on “America’s Funniest Home
   Videos”
   
8. Like this doesn’t happen every year in the Masters
   
7. Whenever Moe bites Curly’s ear, it’s hilarious!
   
6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he
   talks like Melanie Griffith
   
5. I guess you’ve never heard of a little thing called “strategy”
   
4. Ears is tasty
   
3. “It was self-defense — he wouldn’t stop punching me”
   
2. “Disqualified” sounds better than “got his ass kicked all over
   the ring”
   
1. He ran out of gum
   

“I’m not aspirin any more queshuns” M. Tyson

Lists

1. Al Gore: The Wild Years
   
2. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
   
3. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
   
4. Career Opportunities for History Majors
   
5. Detroit - A Travel Guide
   
6. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
   
7. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
   
8. Easy UNIX
   
9. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
   
10. Everything Men Know About Women
    
11. Everything Women Know About Men
    
12. French Hospitality
    
13. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
    
14. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
    
15. Human Rights Advances in China
    
16. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
    
17. My Plan to Find the Real Killers by OJ Simpson
    
18. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
    
19. Staple Your Way to Success
    
20. Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes
    
21. The Amish Phone Book
    
22. The Book of Virtue by Bill Clinton
    
23. The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert
    
24. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion
    
25. Things I wouldn’t do for Money by Dennis Rodman
    
26. To all the Men I’ve Loved Before By Ellen

Lists

• Dad’s New Wife Timothy

• Pop! Goes The Hamster….And Other Great Microwave Games

• Maybe Dick

• The Boy Who Ate Spinach…And Lived To Tell About It

• How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School

• Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag

• Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But
  Your Household Pets

• Egghead - And Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty

• The Complete Set Of “Mother Got Goosed” Nursery Rhymes

• Those Great Childhood Fragrances…Apple Pie, Cotton Candy
  And Bicycle Seats

Lists

Maintained by Alan Silverstein, ajs@fc.hp.com

Last update: 960726

Total entries: 1030

A compendium of insults and “not all there” comments from
various sources, beginning with rec.humor, April 1987.

Criteria: Humorousness; uniqueness of essence (minimize
redundancy); brevity; consistency; avoid gender bias, ethnic
slurs, and other really offensive material; keep in sorted
order with correct spelling and grammar.

1. “Body by Fisher — brains by Mattel.”
2. $HOME = /dev/null.
3. 3K RAM free, no EMS.
4. A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
5. A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
6. A 20th century man… The guy has no future.
7. A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
8. A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
9. A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
10. A butter knife in a prime rib world.
11. A day late and a dollar short.
12. A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
13. A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and… What was the question?
14. A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
15. A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he’d have to
    give up chewing gum.
16. A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
17. A lap behind the field.
18. A legend in his own mind.
19. A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.)
20. A looney tune.
21. A medical mystery.
22. A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. — Tom Waits
23. A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.
24. A mind like wet tennis shoes… Makes squishy noises when running.
25. A modest little person, with much to be modest about. — Churchill
26. A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
27. A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
28. A notch off the timing mark.
29. A one-bit brain with a parity error.
30. A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits.
31. A peripheral visionary.
32. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
33. A poor excuse for protoplasm.
34. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
35. A quart low.
36. A return with no gosub.
37. A room temperature IQ.
38. A semitone flat on the high notes.
39. A square with only three sides.
40. A teapot with a cracked lid.
41. A titanic intellect… In a world full of icebergs.
42. A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
43. A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
44. A victim of retroactive birth control.
45. A violin minus the bow.
46. A walking argument for birth control.
47. A wind-up clock without a key.
48. About half smart.
49. Afraid she’ll void her warranty if she thinks too much.
50. Airhead / bubble-brain.
51. Aliens zapped him with a stupidity ray — twice.
52. All booster, no payload.
53. All crown, no filling.
54. All foam, no beer.
55. All hammer, no nail.
56. All hat and no cattle.
57. All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.
58. All his eggs in the same basket.
59. All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.
60. All icing, no cake.
61. All lime and salt, no tequila.
62. All missile, no warhead.
63. All of his bytes are odd.
64. All shot, no powder.
65. All the lights don’t shine in her marquee.
66. All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty /
    caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon.
67. All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
68. All wax and no wick.
69. Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.
70. Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
71. Always loses battles of wits because he’s unarmed.
72. Always needs to have jokes explained.
73. Always responds to “Make Money Fast” postings on the Net.
74. Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
75. Always speaks her mind, so usually she’s speechless.
76. An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
77. An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)
78. An Apple //e on UUCP.
79. An early example of the Peter Principle.
80. An ego like a black hole.
81. An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years
    with walnut sized brains.
82. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
83. An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
84. An inch short and a stroke early.
85. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
86. An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
87. Ano-fossal ambiguity. (Can’t tell his ass from a hole in the ground.)
88. Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.
89. Answers the door when the phone rings.
90. Any similarity between him and a human being is purely coincidental.
91. Any slower and he’d be in reverse. — Gignac
92. As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.
93. As bent as a corkscrew.
94. As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
95. As focused as a fart.
96. As happy as if he had brains.
97. As happy as the village idiot.
98. As much use as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English.)
99. As much use as a lead parachute.
100. As popular as a French kiss at a family reunion.
101. As quick as a corpse.
102. As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.)
103. As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head /
     wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich,
     and twice as smart.
104. As sharp as a bag of wet mice. — Foghorn Leghorn
105. As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
106. As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script.
107. As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
108. As thick as champ. (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)
109. As thick as two short planks / two half bricks.
110. As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
111. Attic’s a little dusty.
112. Back burners not fully operating.
113. Bad spot on the disk.
114. Baler done run out of twine.
115. Bandwidth limited.
116. Barney’s his hero.
117. Bats have flown the belfry, and now he’s all alone.
118. Bats in the belfry.
119. Batteries not included.
120. Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
121. Been one too many times through the wormhole.
122. Been playing with his wand too much.
123. Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
124. Been short on oxygen one time too many.
125. Been using her head as a mass driver.
126. Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
127. Blew his O-rings.
128. Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
129. Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches
     with his head.
130. Blown/leaking head gasket.
131. Born a day late and like that ever since.
132. Born during low tide in / swimming in the shallow end of
     the gene pool.
133. Born too late — he’d have been a great Neandertal.
134. Born ugly and built to last.
135. Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
136. Brain is running on empty.
137. Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.
138. Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.
139. Brain transplant donor.
140. Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
141. Bright as Alaska in December.
142. Bright as an acetylene torch — without an oxygen supply.
143. Brings binoculars to submarine races.
144. Broadcasts static.
145. Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.
146. Buddy breathing with himself. (SCUBA term.)
147. Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.
148. Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
149. Busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
150. Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
151. Cackles a lot, but I ain’t seen no eggs yet.
152. Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
153. Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
154. Calls people to ask them their phone number.
155. Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
156. Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.
157. Can easily be confused with facts.
158. Can only remember her old passwords.
159. Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
160. Can’t count his balls and get the same answer twice.
161. Can’t distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor.
162. Can’t find his ass with two hands and a periscope/compass/flashlight/
     bloodhound/GPS receiver (in a locked closet).
163. Can’t find his couch in the living room.
164. Can’t find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.
165. Can’t program his way out of a for-loop.
166. Car’s only got three wheels, and one’s going flat.
167. Carrier wave unmodulated.
168. Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
169. Cart can’t hold all the groceries.
170. Cauliflower for brains.
171. Changes hands and picks up a stroke.
172. Charming as a carbuncle.
173. Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
174. Cheezwiz for brains.
175. Chimney’s clogged.
176. Clock doesn’t have all its numbers.
177. Colder than a well-digger’s ass in the Klondike.
178. Collects cards for Craig.
179. Communications with him is limited to ping.
180. Confused as a baby in a topless bar.
181. Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
182. Contributes to collections like this one without searching first
     to see if their little gem is already listed.
183. Contributes to the population problem.
184. Could be considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility.
185. Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else’s eulogy.
186. Couldn’t balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
187. Couldn’t be shown that his ass was on fire with a flashlight and
     a three-way mirror.
188. Couldn’t count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.
189. Couldn’t figure it out if God gave him the instruction manual.
190. Couldn’t find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
191. Couldn’t get a clue during clue mating season in a field full of
     horny clues if he smeared his body with clue musk and
     did the clue mating dance.
192. Couldn’t get laid if he crawled up a chicken’s rear end and waited
     his turn.
193. Couldn’t hit sand if he fell off a camel.
194. Couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
195. Couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat.
196. Couldn’t organize a piss-up in a brewery. (Common in Australia.)
197. Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
198. Couldn’t tell which way the elevator was going if he had two guesses.
199. Couldn’t think/pee his way out of a paper bag.
200. Couldn’t write dialog for a porno flick.
201. CPU is always in powersave mode.
202. CPU not connected to the bus.
203. Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
204. Cranio-rectally inverted.
205. Cunning as a dodo bird.
206. Cursor’s flashing but there’s no response.
207. Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
208. Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
209. Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
210. Defective hard drive / boot sector.
211. Dense as a London fog.
212. Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
213. Differently clued. — Dave Clark
214. Dock doesn’t quite reach the water.
215. Does aerobics… in his head.
216. Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up
     in a hammock.
217. Doesn’t adjust for leap years.
218. Doesn’t consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.
219. Doesn’t have a fart’s prayer in a hurricane.
220. Doesn’t have a round in every chamber.
221. Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box.
222. Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard /
     groceries in the same bag.
223. Doesn’t have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
224. Doesn’t have both oars in the water — can’t even find the damn boat.
225. Doesn’t have elastic in both of his socks.
226. Doesn’t have his belt through all the loops.
227. Doesn’t have sixteen annas to the rupee.
228. Doesn’t have the brain power to toast a crouton.
229. Doesn’t have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
230. Doesn’t have two neurons to rub together.
231. Doesn’t just know nothing; doesn’t even suspect much.
232. Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. — Billing
233. Doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls.
234. Doesn’t know which side the toast is buttered on.
235. Doesn’t put the cross-hairs on the target.
236. Doesn’t quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
237. Doesn’t suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
238. Donated her body to science fiction.
239. Donated her body to scientists… Before she was done using it.
240. Downhill skiing in Iowa.
241. Driveway doesn’t quite reach the garage.
242. Driving at night with the lights off.
243. Driving with his tailgate down (and stuff is falling out).
244. Driving with two wheels in the sand.
245. Dropped his second stage too soon.
246. Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
247. Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.
248. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
249. Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
250. Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
251. Echoes between the ears.
252. Eight pawns short of a gambit.
253. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.
254. Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn’t open.
255. Elevator is on the ground floor and he’s pushing the Down button.
256. End of season sale at the cerebral department. — Gareth Blackstock
257. Enjoys listening to telemarketers.
258. Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.
259. Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.
260. Evidence for the theory of a missing link.
261. Failed the Turing test.
262. Fell out of the family tree.
263. Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.
264. Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol /
     pop gun / cap gun.
265. Finds a flat by swapping tires.
266. Finds canonical humor collections amusing.
267. Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.
268. Fired from McDonald’s for having a short attention span.
269. Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
270. Flaky.
271. Flat out like a lizard drinking.
272. Flying on a cold shot. (Inadequate force from a steam catapult
     launch on an aircraft carrier.)
273. Flying/landing on one engine.
274. Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.
275. Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.
276. Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
277. For those who never forget a face, his is an exception.
278. Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.
279. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
280. Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.
281. Four bits short of a full DEC.
282. Four cents short of a nickel.
283. Full of wisdumb.
284. Full throttle, dry tank.
285. Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.)
286. Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
287. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
288. Gavel doesn’t quite hit the bench.
289. Gears grind/don’t always mesh.
290. Gets a charge out of pissing on electric fences.
291. Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.
292. Gets his orders from another planet.
293. Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.
294. Gets parity errors under load.
295. Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain’t got no cattle.
296. Goalie for the dart team.
297. God might still use him for miracle practice.
298. God’s favorite target for lightning strikes.
299. Goes with the flow… He’s a bed wetter.
300. Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.
301. Got a life, but wasn’t sure what to do with it.
302. Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.
303. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
304. Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
305. Gyros are loose.
306. Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.
307. Had a head crash.
308. Half a bubble off plumb. — attributed to Mark Twain
309. Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
310. Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.
311. Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is
     missing from his deck altogether.
312. Has a bus fault problem.
313. Has a face only a mother could love — but she hates it too.
314. Has a few wait states.
315. Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
316. Has a leak in his ceiling.
317. Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
318. Has a pulse, but that’s about all.
319. Has a random memory fault.
320. Has a slow clock.
321. Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, “matrix” comes from the Latin “womb”.)
322. Has a two-bit operating system.
323. Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
324. Has all the brains God gave a duck’s ass.
325. Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
326. Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
327. Has change for a seven dollar bill.
328. Has FINO (first in never out) memory.
329. Has his brain on cruise control again.
330. Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
331. Has it floored in neutral.
332. Has lots of books, but all he does is lick the ink off the pages.
333. Has no discretionary intellect.
334. Has no upper stage.
335. Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
336. Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
337. Has over 1000 funny insults saved in a file, but can’t
     remember any of them.
338. Has resonance where others have brains.
339. Has signs on both ears saying “Space for Rent”.
340. Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it’s like
     watching tennis.
341. Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
342. Has the brains of a house plant.
343. Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
344. Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.
345. Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.
346. Has the mental agility of a soap dish.
347. Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
348. Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.
349. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
350. Hasn’t caught on that X and Y are relative values.
351. Hasn’t got all his china in the cupboard.
352. Hasn’t got the brains God gave a cat.
353. Hasn’t lost his mind — it’s backed up on tape somewhere.
354. Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
355. He came, he saw, he clutched.
356. He can only type in upper case.
357. He can push but he can’t pop.
358. He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.
359. He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.
360. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
361. He has a bad brains-to-balls ratio.
362. He hasn’t a single redeeming vice. — Oscar Wilde
363. He knows computers… He’s not fit for contact with humans.
364. He writes blank checks on a closed account.
365. He’d be in big trouble if his wristwatch broke and he had to
366. He’d screw up a two-car funeral procession.
367. He’s a General Protection Fault trigger.
368. He’s a man on a mission, but can’t find his dossier.
369. He’s been invited to every party in town… Once.
370. He’s diagnosable.
371. He’s not a complete idiot — some parts are missing.
372. He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
373. He’s really into himself… His head is up his ass.
374. He’s so dense, light bends around him.
375. He’s so dense, the Titanic wouldn’t sink in his head.
376. Hears everything that a dog can.
377. Hears more lyrics on records when they’re played backwards.
378. Her access time approaches infinity.
379. Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.
380. Her ass is sucking swamp gas.
381. Her blender doesn’t go past “mix”.
382. Her brain comes with single-bit error detection and half-assed
     error correction.
383. Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to run
     fsck on her brain.
384. Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
385. Her cache is incoherent.
386. Her dentist went deaf from the drill’s echoes.
387. Her dialing thumb must be broken.
388. Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.
389. Her files are compressed 100%.
390. Her finals are burned out.
391. Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.
392. Her input pipe is broken.
393. Her interrupt handler hit a loop.
394. Her leads need resoldering.
395. Her learning curve is fractal.
396. Her lint trap is full.
397. Her lists are unlinked.
398. Her memory is truly random-access.
399. Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.
400. Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
401. Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.
402. Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.
403. Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.
404. Her modem lights are on but there’s no carrier.
405. Her objects are not fully oriented.
406. Her phone doesn’t quite reach her desk.
407. Her pool balls don’t fit into the rack.
408. Her random access is the same as her sequential access.
409. Her sewing machine’s been out of thread for some time now.
410. Her ski lift doesn’t go to the top of the hill.
411. Her stack has been corrupted.
412. Her synapses are about |that| far apart.
413. Her system file has zero bytes.
414. Her tires are a little low.
415. Her wipers don’t touch the glass.
416. Her word length is zero bits.
417. Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
418. High relative humidity… He’s lost in a fog.
419. His .sig is long, boring, and stupid, but it’s the best part
     of his postings.
420. His access light’s on, but the drive isn’t spinning / is
     still spinning up.
421. His accumulator overflows at zero.
422. His actual mileage varies.
423. His antenna/radio doesn’t pick up all the channels/stations.
424. His boot block is in a bad sector.
425. His brackets are mismatched.
426. His brain could be the perfect dielectric.
427. His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.
428. His brain would rattle around in a gnat’s navel.
429. His buffer is full.
430. His clutch is slipping.
431. His data bus stops for red lights.
432. His deck has no face cards.
433. His elevator is stuck between floors.
434. His face is on a coin… On the edge.
435. His family wasn’t dysfunctional until he arrived.
436. His freelist is empty.
437. His future is behind schedule. — Bob Thaves
438. His gene line isn’t just dead, it’s extinct.
439. His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. — Robin Williams
440. His grades were so bad, after school he couldn’t even get
     into prison. — Shannon Sharpe
441. His grey matter is brown / doesn’t matter.
442. His head whistles in a cross wind.
443. His home page is out of order.
444. His home planet is flat.
445. His IQ is a false positive.
446. His jack can’t get the car off the ground.
447. His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.
448. His mind is great at error magnification.
449. His mind is less substantial than the Emperor’s new clothes.
450. His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime. — Allision
451. His mind is write-protected/write-only.
452. His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.
453. His mind wandered and never came back.
454. His motto is: Space, the final frontier.
455. His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.
456. His outgoing message starts with, “Hello, Mr. Answering Machine.”
457. His page was intentionally left blank.
458. His picture is in the dictionary under “zero”.
459. His pointers are null/uninitialized.
460. His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
461. His reaction time is longer than his attention span. — Thaves
462. His root file system isn’t mounted.
463. His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
464. His shared libraries aren’t installed.
465. His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
466. His spark can’t jump the gap.
467. His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
468. His stack’s not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.
469. His strings aren’t null-terminated.
470. His strip is demagnetized.
471. His system administrator is never in.
472. His train tracks aren’t quite parallel.
473. His URL denies outside access.
474. His watch dog is sleeping.
475. His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.
476. Hitler’s evil twin.
477. Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net.
478. Hypnotized as a child and couldn’t be woken.
479. I wouldn’t piss in his ear if his brain was on fire.
480. I’d like to buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what he
     thinks he’s worth.
481. If brains were bird droppings, he’d have a clean cage.
482. If brains were dynamite, she wouldn’t have enough to blow her
     nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears.
483. If brains were farts, he couldn’t stink up the inside of a matchbox.
484. If brains were gasoline, he wouldn’t have enough to drive a dinky
     car around the inside of a cheerio.
485. If brains were grains of sand, he couldn’t fill a dixie cup.
486. If brains were lard, he’d be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
487. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
488. If brains were water, hers wouldn’t be enough to baptize a flea.
489. If God tried to help him, we’d have an eight day week.
490. If he didn’t exist, he wouldn’t be worth inventing.
491. If he donated his brain to science it’d set civilization back 50 years.
492. If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe
     will come true.
493. If he had a lobotomy he’d depressurize.
494. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
495. If he had brains, he’d take them out and play with them.
496. If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.
497. If he had half a brain, his ass would be lopsided.
498. If he were any brighter he’d be in the visible spectrum.
499. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
500. If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
501. If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.
502. If his brains were money, he’d still be in debt.
503. If his IQ was two points higher he’d be a rock.
504. If ignorance were bliss, she’d be orgasmic.
505. If it’s not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn’t take it seriously.
506. If not for his scrotum, he would lose his balls.
507. If sex appeal were dynamite, he couldn’t blow the cobwebs
     off his balls.
508. If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.
509. If she was any dumber, she’d be a green plant.
510. If stupidity were a crime, he’d be number one on the Most Wanted list.
511. If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he’d get nuked.
512. If there were a merciful God he’d be dead by now.
513. If they each had half a brain, they’d still only have half a brain.
514. If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
515. If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, she’s practically invulnerable.
516. If wit were shit, he’d be constipated.
517. If you called him a wit, you’d be half right.
518. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
519. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
520. Ignorant, and proud of it.
521. Immune from any serious head injury.
522. Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.
523. In a tub of Preparation H, he’d shrink down to thumb size.
524. In his optimum environment, he’d be locked in a life and death
     struggle with mushrooms.
525. In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, “No, thanks”.
526. In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes,
     and he asked for “extra thick.”
527. In need of a ROM upgrade.
528. In serious need of attitude adjustment.
529. In the shopping mall of the mind, he’s in the toy store.
530. In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.
531. Includes a “thank you” note with her tax returns.
532. Infinite space between her ears.
533. Informationally deprived.
534. Inhabits her own private timezone.
535. Inspected by #13.
536. Inspired the slogan, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
537. Intellectually/synaptically challenged.
538. Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.
539. Invented a submarine with a screen door.
540. IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
541. IQ lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon-rut.
542. It’s hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
543. Just another flash in the bedpan.
544. Keeps his imagination on a long leash.
545. Kept an open mind — and his brains fell out.
546. Keywords: generalizations clue get
547. Knitting with only one needle.
548. Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence.
549. Landing with his gear/brain up and locked.
550. Leaky sunroof.
551. Left hand threaded.
552. Left his booster on the launch pad.
553. Left the store without all of his groceries.
554. Leveled off before reaching altitude.
555. Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
556. Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
557. Lights are on but nobody’s home.
558. Lights not burning too bright.
559. Like a barometer — vacuum at the top.
560. Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
561. Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
562. Likes dunking for french fries.
563. Little red choo-choo’s gone chugging ’round the bend /
     jumped the track.
564. Lives in La-la-land.
565. Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
566. Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
567. Long on dry wall, short on studs.
568. Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
569. Looks for the “Any” key.
570. Looks just like Bill Gates.
571. Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
572. Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
573. Lost his marbles.
574. Low on thinking gas.
575. Low-bandwidth as an information source.
576. Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
577. Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
578. Mainspring’s wound too tight.
579. Makes a black hole look bright.
580. Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.
581. Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.
582. Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test.
583. Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
584. Metronome needs oil.
585. Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind.
586. Mind like a steel sieve.
587. Mind like a steel trap — everything gets mangled / full of mice /
     nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut.
588. Missed her last four scheduled tune-ups.
589. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
590. Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.
591. Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
592. Monorail doesn’t go all the way to Tomorrowland.
593. Mooring lines don’t reach the dock.
594. More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
595. Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
596. Moves his lips to pretend he’s reading.
597. Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
598. Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
599. Needs a checkup from the neck up.
600. Needs another brain to make half-wit.
601. Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
602. Needs front end alignment.
603. Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
604. Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they
     can be tied in the back.
605. Network constantly loses packets.
606. Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
607. Never finishes a thoug
608. Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can’t exist
     in a vacuum.
609. Never misses an episode of her screen-saver.
610. Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. — Van Jacobson
611. Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
612. Nine pence in the shilling.
613. Nine rooms; no furniture.
614. Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
615. No bubble in his gauge. (Refers to a submarine dive gauge.)
616. No charge in her synapses.
617. No coins in the old fountain.
618. No filter in the coffeemaker.
619. No grain in the silo.
620. No hands on the rudder/yoke.
621. No hay in the loft.
622. No one at the throttle.
623. No salt in his socks. (Land-lubber or green sailor.)
624. No tar in his hemp. (Tar preserves a hemp (marijuana) line; this
     phrase means one has been smoking his rope.)
625. No wind in her mind’s windmills.
626. Not all his dogs are barking.
627. Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
628. Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
629. Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
630. Not done evolving yet.
631. Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
632. Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
633. Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
634. Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
635. Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60’s flower child.)
636. Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
637. Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
638. Not hard-docked.
639. Not inflated to 90 PSI.
640. Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.)
641. Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
642. Not only rude, but ugly too.
643. Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (– not even in the game).
644. Not running on full thrusters.
645. Not shooting pool on a level table.
646. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor.
647. Not the full quid.
648. Not the same since they took him off his medication.
649. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer / tool in the shed /
     nail in the box.
650. Not Turing equivalent.
651. Not worth henshit on a pump handle.
652. Not worth pissin’ on.
653. Not wrapped too tight.
654. Nothing between the stethoscopes.
655. Nothing on her radar.
656. Numb as a post / pounded thumb.
657. Number ‘n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.)
658. Nutty as a fruitcake.
659. Off by one.
660. Off his rocker/trolley.
661. Oil doesn’t reach his dipstick.
662. On permanent/unexcused leave of absence from his senses.
663. On the batting end of a no-hitter.
664. One bead short in her rosary.
665. One bean short of chili.
666. One beer short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
667. One bird short of a flock.
668. One bit short of a byte/word.
669. One block short of a filesystem.
670. One board short of a porch.
671. One bomb/melon short of a full load.
672. One boot stuck in the sand.
673. One brick short of a wall/hod/load/pile.
674. One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.
675. One bun/donut short of a dozen.
676. One car short of a chase scene.
677. One card/marble short of a full deck.
678. One chapter short of a novel.
679. One chicken short of a henhouse.
680. One chip short of a cookie.
681. One chip short of a megabyte.
682. One clearance short of landing/taking off.
683. One clown short of a circus.
684. One clue short of a solution.
685. One cold solder joint.
686. One color short of color-coordinated.
687. One couplet short of a sonnet.
688. One cup and saucer short of a place setting.
689. One cylinder short of a full re-format.
690. One diamond short of a ring.
691. One dimension short of reality.
692. One doughnut short of being a cop.
693. One drool bib short of neat and tidy.
694. One drop short of an empty bladder.
695. One ear short of a bushel.
696. One feather short of a whole duck.
697. One fish short of a string.
698. One flower short of an arrangement.
699. One flying buttress short of a cathedral.
700. One foot in the future, one foot in the past, pissing on the present.
701. One french fry / hamburger short of a Happy Meal.
702. One Froot Loop short of a full bowl.
703. One fruit short of a basket.
704. One gene short of a full chromosome.
705. One goose short of a gaggle.
706. One guppy short of an aquarium.
707. One handle short of a suitcase.
708. One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
709. One inch short of a foot/yard.
710. One inspection short of passing.
711. One kernel short of an ear.
712. One kopek short of a ruble.
713. One link short of a chain.
714. One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
715. One measure short of a staff.
716. One miracle short of being where he thinks he’s at.
717. One miracle wouldn’t be enough to help him.
718. One node short of a network.
719. One nut short of a full pouch.
720. One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
721. One open splice.
722. One pancake short of a stack.
723. One pane short of a window.
724. One pea short of a pod/casserole.
725. One pearl short of a necklace.
726. One pickle short of a jar.
727. One pie short of a holiday.
728. One plane short of an Air Force / hangar.
729. One point short of a polygon.
730. One prayer short of absolution.
731. One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.)
732. One punch/swing/hit short of a fight.
733. One revision behind.
734. One sandwich/apple/ant short of a picnic.
735. One saucer short of a tea-service.
736. One scallop short of a seafood platter.
737. One screw loose.
738. One sentence short of a paragraph.
739. One shade short of a rainbow.
740. One sheep short of a sweater.
741. One shingle short of a roof, and the water’s getting in.
742. One ship short of a full fleet.
743. One shot short of a chain. (Shot is a section of anchor chain.)
744. One shot short of a locker. (Shot is ammunition; a locker is
     where it’s stored.)
745. One shrimp short of a barbie.
746. One side short of a pentagon.
747. One signature short of a book.
748. One slate short of a full roof.
749. One sleeve/button short of a shirt.
750. One snowflake short of a ski slope.
751. One sock short of a pair.
752. One song short of a musical.
753. One span short of a bridge.
754. One spoon short of a full set.
755. One steering wheel / bolt short of a Yugo.
756. One step short of the attic.
757. One straw short of a bale.
758. One strawberry short of a quart.
759. One strike past being called out.
760. One sub short of a party platter.
761. One suit short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
762. One taco/enchilada short of a combination plate.
763. One teabag short of a pot.
764. One tilde short of a full URL.
765. One tile missing from his space shuttle.
766. One tile short of a successful re-entry.
767. One too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
768. One tower short of a castle.
769. One tree short of a hammock.
770. One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.)
771. One volt below threshold.
772. One weight short of a shipwreck.
773. One yard short of the hole.
774. Only one oar in the water.
775. Only playing with 51 cards.
776. Only playing with the jokers.
777. Operating in stand-by mode.
778. Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
779. Out there where the buses don’t run.
780. Outlet isn’t grounded.
781. Over the rainbow.
782. Overdue for reincarnation.
783. Overruns above 110 baud.
784. Paged/swapped out.
785. Paralyzed from the neck up.
786. Parents beat him with an ugly stick.
787. Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
788. Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
789. People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
790. Perfect chassis, bad driver.
791. Perfect face for Halloween.
792. Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh…)
793. Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists.
794. Permanently out to lunch.
795. Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
796. Phototrophic on a better day.
797. Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
798. Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
799. Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
800. Playing hockey with a warped puck.
801. Playing Scrabble, but we can’t figure out what words he’s building.
802. Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
803. Plays solitaire… For cash.
804. Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
805. Plenty of myelin but not enough neurons.
806. Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.
807. Posts empty articles to the Net, and enjoys rereading them later.
808. Prefers three left turns to one right turn.
809. Pressure’s up, but there’s a slow leak somewhere.
810. Produces a zero-length core dump.
811. Proof God did die back in the 60s.
812. Proof God has a sense of humor.
813. Proof of Einstein’s theory that there is no limit to human stupidity.
814. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
815. Put a lens in each ear and you’ve got a telescope.
816. Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn’t annoying.
817. Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like
     putting a pea on a six lane highway.
818. Qualifies for the mental express line — five thoughts or
     less. — MacNelly
819. Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one
     line of wisdom in the middle.
820. Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he’d come in third.
821. Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
822. Reads her newspaper back-to-front.
823. Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn’t know Greek.
824. Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
825. Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
826. Receiver is off the hook.
827. Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
828. Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
829. Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it’s an old copy.
830. Reset line is glitching.
831. Result of a first cousin marriage.
832. Result of God’s experiments to see if humans can function
     without a brain.
833. Room for rent, unfurnished.
834. RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
835. Running at 300 baud.
836. Running on a 286.
837. Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.)
838. Running U.S. appliances on British current.
839. Runs squares around the competition.
840. Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
841. S p a c e d o u t .
842. Sailboat fuel for brains.
843. Sailing with a short seabag / a few skivvies short of a seabag.
     (Contains all of a sailor’s possessions including underwear.)
844. Sat under the ozone hole too long.
845. Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
846. Serving donuts on another planet.
847. Settled some during shipping and handling.
848. Seven cans short of a six-pack.
849. Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
850. Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
851. Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest.
852. She can piss standing up, but not much else.
853. She doesn’t suffer from insanity; she enjoys every minute of it.
854. She fears success, but really has nothing to worry about. — Thaves
855. She only packed half a sandwich.
856. She only schedules zombie processes.
857. She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
858. She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.
859. She’ll be just fine as soon as virtual reality arrives.
860. She’s a screensaver: Looks good, but useless.
861. Short a few cards.
862. Short-circuited between the earphones.
863. Should be the poster child for family planning.
864. Should have kept his helmet on while riding/playing.
865. Single-sided, low density.
866. Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
867. Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
868. Skylight leaks a little.
869. Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
870. Slinky’s kinked.
871. Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
872. Slow as molasses in January.
873. Slow out of the gate.
874. Smarter than the average bear.
875. Smoke doesn’t make it to the top of his chimney.
876. So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
877. So clueless, he could BE God and still be an atheist.
878. So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
879. So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
880. So dumb, he faxes face up.
881. So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
882. So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
883. So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
884. So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
885. So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
886. So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
887. So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
888. So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
889. Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
890. Some Assembly Required.
891. Some bugs in his software.
892. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
893. Some of her inodes have nodded off.
894. Some pages missing.
895. Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
896. Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check.
897. Someday when she’s younger, she’ll ________.
898. Someone blew out his pilot light.
899. Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
900. Someone let the air out of her lock.
901. Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
902. Source code is missing a few lines.
903. Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.
904. Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
905. Still boots to DOS.
906. Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
907. Still traumatized from the forest fire in “Bambi”.
908. Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.)
909. Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2.
     (A WWII era Russian tank.)
910. Stuck on the down escalator of life.
911. Stumped by anything child-proof.
912. Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
913. Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
914. Suffers from permanent rapture of the deep. (Nitrogen narcosis.)
915. Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.
916. Surfing in Nebraska.
917. Swimming on a cold shot. (Inadequate ejection force for a torpedo.)
918. Switch is on, but no one’s receiving.
919. Takes her 1.5 hours to watch “60 Minutes”.
920. Takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
921. Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged
     around the block by it.
922. Talks to plants on their own level.
923. Team player… No chance he’ll develop a personality on his own.
924. Teflon brain — nothing sticks. — Lilly Tomlin
925. The best part of him ran down his mother’s legs. — Jackie Gleason
926. The butter slipped off his noodle.
927. The cheese slid off his cracker.
928. The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
929. The fan is working but the freon’s leaked out.
930. The going got weird, and he turned pro.
931. The heater’s plugged in but the rheostat’s shot.
932. The only place she’s ever invited is outside.
933. The perfect personality to write software manuals.
934. The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
935. The spit valve’s fallen off his trumpet again.
936. The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
937. The two put together have an IQ over 150.
938. The wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s dead.
939. There are great people in the world, but she’s not one of them.
940. There she sits, Finite State Automaton at its best.
941. There’s nothing wrong with you that couldn’t be cured with
     a little Prozac and a polo mallet. — Woody Allen
942. They must have done a clean boot on him.
943. Thick as a brick / whale omelette.
944. Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly.
945. Thinks “Private Enterprise” means owning a personal starship.
946. Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure.
947. Thinks at 5 baud.
948. Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
949. Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
950. Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
951. thinks in lower case and types accordingly
952. Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
953. Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.
954. Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease.
955. Three-bag/coyote ugly. (Ask your mommy to explain.)
956. Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting.
     (I resemble that remark. — editor)
957. Too dumb to be bothered when publically displaying her ignorance.
958. Too many birds on her antenna.
959. Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
960. Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
961. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
962. Too pointless to even be called a pinhead.
963. Took the little bus to school.
964. Top paddock is full of rocks.
965. Toys in the attic.
966. Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.
967. Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
968. Traveling without a passport/towel.
969. Tried welding two 2×4s together and burned down his house.
970. Trips over cordless phones.
971. Truck can’t haul a full load.
972. Truly believes “neural network” is a new Ted Turner enterprise.
973. Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
974. Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
975. Two bits short of a word/dollar.
976. Two degrees off square.
977. Two inches taller than spherical.
978. Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn’t plugged in.
979. Uglier than a hat full of assholes. (Whatever that means.)
980. Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
981. Unclear which of Newton’s three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
982. Understands English as well as any parrot.
983. Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
984. Useful as a chocolate teapot.
985. Useful as a football bat.
986. Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
987. Useful as a kickstand on a horse.
988. Useful as a mint-flavored suppository.
989. Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
990. Useful as dinosaur repellent.
991. Useful as piss on a forest fire.
992. Useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog.
993. Uses all three functional neurons for his best work.
994. Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.
995. Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
996. Uses thumbtacks to post notes — on his refrigerator.
997. Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.
998. Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
999. Vacancy on the top floor.
1000. Vacuuming linoleum using a deep-pile setting. (Not picking
      up anything.)
1001. Vaginally challenged, and preoccupied with the problem.
1002. Vertically-fornicated mind.
1003. Views mold as a higher life form.
1004. Warranty expired.
1005. Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
1006. Was born when the planets were misaligned.
1007. Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
1008. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
1009. Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
1010. Wasn’t abused as a child, but should have been.
1011. Wasn’t fully debugged before being released.
1012. Wasn’t strapped in during launch.
1013. Watches “Beavis and Butthead” to learn vocabulary.
1014. Watching programs not listed in TV Guide.
1015. We’re all missing cards from our decks — and different cards, too.
1016. Went in for repairs but wasn’t tightened with a torque wrench.
1017. Went to the dentist to have his cranial cavity filled.
1018. When a thought crosses her mind, it’s a long and lonely journey.
1019. When God said, “Come forth for brains,” he came fifth.
1020. When he was compiled they forgot to #include
      <smarts.h>/<iq.h>/<charm.h>.
1021. When she was born the doctor tried to kill her.
1022. When they handed out brains he got the short end of the stick.
1023. When they said “drain”, he thought they said “brain”.
1024. Whole lotta choppin’, but no chips a flyin’.
1025. Wise as the world is flat.
1026. With one more neuron he’d have a synapse.
1027. Won’t eat eggs because he believes the “This is your brain” ads.
1028. Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
1029. Wouldn’t make any sense if she ever made sense.
1030. Zero K memory.
      

      ---

      [I recieved an addition from Steve Thompson -ed]
1031. Has the mental agility of a small soap dish.

Lists

• Horn broken. Watch for finger.
  
• Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
  
• All generalizations are false.
  
• Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
  
• I brake for no apparent reason.
  
• Learn from your parents’ mistakes - use birth control.
  
• I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
  
• Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.
  
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
  
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  
• It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  
• Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
  
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  
• Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
  
• I love cats…they taste just like chicken.
  
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  
• Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
  
• Born free…Taxed to death.
  
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
  
• Rehab is for quitters.
  
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
  
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
  
• All men are idiots, and I married their King.
  
• Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
  
• Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
  
• Montana-At least our cows are sane!
  
• I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
  vegetarian.
  
• Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  
• If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
  
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like
  the
  IRS.
  
• Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
  
• No radio - Already stolen.
  
• Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
  
• Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.
  
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  
• Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
  
• OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
  
• Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
  
• I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
  
• IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
  
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
  students.
  
• It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  
• According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
  
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
  
• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
  
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  
• Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
  
• How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
  
• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
  
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  
• We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
  
• Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  
• Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
  
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  
• Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
  
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
  happy.
  
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  
• i souport publik edekashun.
  
• Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
  
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
  
• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who
  can’t.
  
• Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
  
• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
  
• Keep honking…I’m reloading.
  
• Caution: I drive like you do.
  
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
  
• Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
  
• I want to die in my sleep like by grandfather…
  Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…
  
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  
• Friends don’t let friends drive naked.
  
• Wink, I’ll do the rest.
  
• If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  
• We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
  
• Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice Doggie’… till you can find a rock.
  
• 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
  
• I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
  
• Sex on television can’t hurt unless you fall off.
  
• There are two great secrets in life. The first is to not tell everything you know.

Lists

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
3. You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce”
   correctly.
4. You don’t know what a moon pie is.
5. You’ve never had grain alcohol.
6. You’ve never, ever, eaten Okra.
7. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
8. You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen
   are on
   road trips.
9. You have no idea what a polecat is.
10. You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
11. You don’t have bangs.
12. You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.
13. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of
    the same
    prep school in Connecticut.
14. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
    his own
    TV fishing show.
15. Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call
    them
    “you guys,” even if both of them are women.
16. You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.
17. You think more money should go to important scientific research at
    your
    university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
18. You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the
    house.
19. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from
    getting on an
    on-ramp on the highway.
20. You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
21. The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at
    Neiman Marcus.
22. You call binoculars “opera glasses.”
23. You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
    of the
    road and stopping.
24. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
25. You don’t know what applique is.
26. You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy
    Bob,
    Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
27. You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make
    one.
28. You’ve never been to a craft show.
29. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
30. You can’t do your laundry without quarters.

Lists, Regional

• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
  
• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
  
• Job interfering with your drinking.
  
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
  
• Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
  
• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
  
• Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
  
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
  
• Two hands and just one mouth… - now THAT’S a drinking problem!
  
• You can focus better with one eye closed.
  
• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
  
• You fall off the floor…
  
• Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
  
• Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
  
• Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
  
• At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
  
• Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
  
• You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell
  asleep clothed. - hmm.
  
• The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…
  
• You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and
  [Women or Men].
  
• Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more
  attractive.
  
• Roseanne looks good.
  
• Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
  
• That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
  
• Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
  
• I’m as jober as a sudge.
  
• The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.
  
• You wake up screaming “TORO TORO TORO!” in the middle of the night.

Alcohol, Lists

• We don’t keep firearms in this house.
  
• Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
  
• You can’t feed that to the dog.
  
• I thought Graceland was tacky.
  
• No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.
  
• Wrasslin’s fake.
  
• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
  
• We’re vegetarians.
  
• Do you think my hair is too big?
  
• I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
  
• Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
  
• Who’s Richard Petty?
  
• Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
  
• Deer heads detract from the decor.
  
• Spitting is such a nasty habit.
  
• I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
  
• Trim the fat off that steak.
  
• Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
  
• The tires on that truck are too big.
  
• I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
  
• I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
  
• Unsweetened tea tastes better.
  
• Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
  
• My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
  
• I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
  
• Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
  
• Checkmate.
  
• She’s too old to be wearing that bikini.
  
• Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
  
• Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
  
• I don’t have a favorite college team.
  
• I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
  
• Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
  
• Elvis who?

Lists, Regional