Virtual Illusions

Just a little bit of good ol boy joshin….

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you’d bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty
   bag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of “Ahh-ight” or “Naw”
5. Instead of “Ta-Da!”, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
6. The “Recycle Bin” in Winders ‘95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you’d hear a digitized drunk
   redneck yelling “Freebird!”
8. Instead of “Start Me Up”, the Winders ‘95 theme song would
   be Achy-Breaky Heart
9. PowerPoint would be named “ParPawnt”
10. Microsoft’s programming tools would be “Vishul Basic” and
    “Vishul C++”
11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13. Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers
14. New Shutdown WAV: “Y’all come back now!”
15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called “Cuz”
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr’sawft Henhouse
18. Four words: Daisy Duke’s Screen Saver
19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill’s a billionaire
20. Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in
    your front yard
21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
23. Redman plug’n'play interface.
24. They could still use Ky-row as code name for next upgrade, but Albenny
    would be the one after that.
25. Screen saver would be a kudzu vine which would consume your program
    manager.
26. Instructions for use would include “mash the control key.”

Microsoft

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.

PICARD: On screen.

The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.

PICARD: Data, what’s wrong here?

DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?

PICARD: Make it so.

The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.

PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

DATA: Aye, sir.

Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.

WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

PICARD: Shields up!

DATA: I’m sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.

PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now*.

DATA: I’m sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.

LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. (to Data) Control-alt-delete, Data.

Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.

DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.

LaForge pulls Data’s left ear.

PICARD: Shields…

There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher’s station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.

PICARD: Up, Data!

DATA: Aye, sir.

RIKER: All decks, damage report!

WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.

Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.

DATA: Shields are now up, captain.

PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.

WORF: Aye, sir. He punches buttons on the weapons console.

PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.

DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.

PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.

DATA: Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data’s setup implants?

RIKER: I left them with Geordi.

LAFORGE: (in a surprised voice) What!!? I thought you still had them!

PICARD: Data, don’t you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?

DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Data, I don’t have Setup Implant 1.

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Abort!

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Well, fail, then!

DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.

Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.

LAFORGE: alarmed Data, what the hell are you doing?

PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?

RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn’t knowledgeable about androids of Data’s model. She specialized in industrial control robots.

Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.

PICARD: What’s going on?

LAFORGE: (checking the helm console) Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.

PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can’t really do anything with them.

The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.

FERENGI: with a mercenary grin Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?

Fiction, Microsoft

Redmond, WA — Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.

“The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,”recalls Gates. “I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times.”

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates’ vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

“We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works,” says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. “Except for the fact that they’re stinking rich.”

Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. (”This is a little lie,” admits software engineer Adam Miller, “since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn’t embellish a little?”) The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user’s bank account to Microsoft’s. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The “No” button has not yet been implemented.

“We’re experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,” Bernard Liu says, “but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe.”

Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.

“Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar.” (When Microsoft Squegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)

But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.

“Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift,” says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. “I mean, in the future, we won’t need laptop computers asking you for change. You’ll have an entire network of machines asking you for money.”

Gates responded with, “I know what you are, but what am I?” General pandemonium then ensued.

Microsoft

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ‘95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, “well, what’s the difference between the two?”.

St. Peter said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?”

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

“Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. “Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.

“Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.”

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

“How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???”

“That was a demo,” replied St. Peter.

Microsoft, Religion

> Picard: “Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your
attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you
been able to access their command pathways?”

Geordi: “Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.”

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. “What the hell is ‘Microsoft’?”

Data turns to answer. “Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called ‘Windows’, through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate.”

Picard “But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won’t they
alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?”

Data “Yes, Captain. But when ‘Windows’ detects this, it creates a
new version of itself known as an ‘upgrade’. The use of resources
increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able
to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability
will be taken over and none will be
available for their normal operational functions.”

Picard “Excellent work. This is even better than that
‘unsolvable geometric shape’ idea.”

.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data “Captain, We have successfully installed the ‘Windows’ in the
command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85%
of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of
the expected ‘upgrade’.”

Geordi “Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
‘upgrade’ to compensate for their increase.”

Picard “Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
their is something we have missed.”

Data “Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
‘upgrade’. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the
plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker “Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . .”

Geordi, excited “Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU
capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!”

Picard “Data, what do your scanners show?”

Data “Appearently the Borg have found the internal ‘Windows’ module
named ‘Solitaire’ and it has used up all the CPU capacity.”

Picard “Let’s wait and see how long this ’solitaire’ can reduce
their functionality.”

.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker “Geordi what’s the status on the Borg?”

Geordi “As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have set up our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more ‘windows’ modules from something
called the ‘Microsoft fun-pack’.

Picard “How much time will that buy us ?”

Data “Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
time span of 6 more hours.”

Geordi “Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.”

Picard “Identify.”

Data “It appears to have markings very similar to the
‘Microsoft’ logo”

Over the speakers “THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF
UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND
WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS”

Data “The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.”

Picard “Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft”

Riker “Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward
the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the
tortures of deep space ?!”

Data “I don’t believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying
something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather
briefcases, and wearing Armani suits”

Riker and Picard together horrified “Lawyers !!”

Geordi “It can’t be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.”

Data “True, but appearently some must have survived.”

Riker “They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it
with all types of papers.”

Data “I believe that is known in ancient venacular as ‘red tape’ it
often proves fatal.”

Riker “They’re tearing the Borg to pieces !”

Picard “Turn off the monitors. I can’t stand to watch, not even
the Borg deserve that.”

Fiction, Microsoft

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System unstable

WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet

WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file

WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong

WinErr: 005 Multi-tasking attempted - System confused

WinErr: 006 Multi-tasking not attempted, system still confused

WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate cash spent on hardware

WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments

WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - Microsoft announce new Windows “feature”

WinErr: 010 Inadequate disk space - Free at least 100MB

WinErr: 011 Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!

WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look outside

WinErr: 013 Window open - Do not look inside

WinErr: 014 Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened

WinErr: 015 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers

WinErr: 016 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of

WinErr: 017 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows license is not valid anymore

WinErr: 018 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

WinErr: 019 Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software (again!!!!!!)

WinErr: 020 Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that and a slap on the botty!

WinErr: 021 System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code

WinErr: 022 Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait

WinErr: 023 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost

WinErr: 024 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue

WinErr: 025 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded

WinErr: 026 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

WinErr: 027 Time out error - user fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure

WinErr: 028 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available

[ed. Here is a different version of the samething with some different errors.]

WHAT’S THE DEFINITION OF A WINDOWS ERROR??
BY GEORGE YOCUM, LVPCUG

Reprinted from Bytes of Las Vegas. LVPCUG, May 1996. via APCUG

Humor from the Net Dept.

Anyone who hangs out online for more than a few minutes finds that there are a lot of folklore gags passed around. This is similar to urban folklore- the stuff that gets photocopied and passed around the office. Here’s a gem that passed my way, author unknown…

Recently the following undocumented Windows 95 error codes were found.

Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the Internet.

WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow-Mailbox full.

WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space-Free at least 50 MB.

WinErr: 00C Memory hog error-More Ram needed. More! More!

WinErr: 00D Window closed-Do not look outside.

WinErr: 00E Window open-Do not look inside.

WinErr: 00F Unexplained error-Please tell us how this happened.

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded-System in danger.

WinErr: 002 No Error-Yet.

WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error-Your mistake is now in every file.

WinErr: 004 Erroneous error-Nothing is wrong.

WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted-System confused.

WinErr: 006 Malicious error-Desqview found on drive.

WinErr: 007 System price error-Inadequate money spent on hardware.

WinErr: 008 Broken window-Watch out for glass fragments.

WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered-God knows what has happened.

WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers.

WinErr: 013 Unexpected error-Huh?

WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked-Try anything you can think of.

WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error-System has been destroyed. Buy a new one.

WinErr: 019 User error-Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten-Please reinstall all your software.

WinErr: 01 B Illegal error-You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.

WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error-Uncertainty may be inadequate.

WinErr: 01D System crash-We are unable to figure out our own code.

WinErr: 01E Time error-Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes-Additional errors will be lost.

WinErr: 042 Virus error-A virus has been activated in a Dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.

WinErr: 079 Mouse not found-A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow-Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.

WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

WinErr: 683 Time out error-Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.

WinErr: 625 Working Error-The system has been working perfectly for the past ten minutes.

WinErr: 902 Screen Error-The system is working perfectly, I’m not lying, your monitor is wrong.

WinErr: 72a Crucial Halt-Hang on, WHAT was that?

WinErr: 72b Memory Error-What? Tell me again.

WinErr: 39c Disk Error in drive a:-Although your disk is in perfect condition (I just formatted it)! I don’t like it any more.

WinErr: 983 Hard Disk Error-The files on the hard disk were neatly arranged and fully optimized, so I had to mess them up and put a couple of hundred .TMP files all over the place.

WinErr: 294 BlackMail Error-$500 to Gates or I’ll show your wife the JPGs you just downloaded.

Computers, Microsoft

by mike popovic <carpediem@locnet.com&gt

10. The computer keeps asking you to “Insert Setup Disk 3 to continue”
9. There is no space left on the hard drive to store mission data.
8. The computer refuses to interact with the Mir’s “Mr. Java” coffee
   maker.
7. Millions of dollars are traced to phone calls to a Redmond, WA 900 number.
6. Mir astronauts are caught stealing RAM from other satellite’s
   computers to keep their system running.
5. The Space Shuttle can no longer dock with Mir since “the proper
   driver cannot be found”
4. The system locks up whenever the astronauts try to run life support,
   the solar panels and thrusters at the same time.
3. The astronauts spend three days looking for cyrillic version of the
   CTRL-ALT-DEL keys.
2. Alien ships secretly observing Mir flee in terror.

   And the number one sign the new Mir computer is running Windows 95….

1. You start receiving welcoming e-mail from the Borg

Microsoft, Technology

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If your have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: /mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.no.&*%*.good/tryagain\again/again.&*%*. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a coldreboot. If this doesn’t work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain the you really don’t want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft had disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after ‘98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Microsoft

“Wiiiiilliam Gaaaates…”

“Oh, hi, Satan. What’s up downstairs?”

“It’s tiiiiime…”

“Yeah, but we’re still debugging Memphis, and Ballmer swears he’ll wipe out Adobe before lunch, and Melinda wants to change the tile in the third-floor kitchen again, and…”

“Sorry, Bill. I’ve given you too many extensions already, not to mention the Oracle8 launch event disaster, not to mention Steve Jobs’ head on a platter.”

“Yeah, that was a good one. I think you enjoy this as much as I…”

“Regardless, a deal’s a deal. Your soul is mine, Bill Gates. And today is the day you pay your eternal debt to me.”

“Now, let’s be reasonable here, Satan…”

“Reasonable?!? You want reasonable?!? You’re the richest man in the world! You’ve got a beautiful wife and daughter! Microsoft is the most powerful company on the planet! We’re even using NT to run hell’s WAN server! And frankly, it sucks. That’s one of the reasons I’ve come to collect. If you can’t get my network to run right, you’ll spend the afterlife writing Windows applications that run on doorbells…”

“What’s your alternative, Satan? Netware? AppleTalk? OS/2? You’re a funny guy for someone who breathes fire.”

“Well, God is porting all his heaven-critical applications to Java…”

“Java?!? Stop it, Satan. You’re going to make me wet my pants again like that time you told me to buy Novell for $50 a share.”

“Yes, Java, running on Sun servers, IBM plumbing and Oracle databases with thin clients accessing the apps via the web through Netscape Navigator.”

“That’s not a solution, that’s one of those Grimm’s fairy tales that scare children to death. I have yet to see an NC actually being used to do anything except crash during demonstrations. Look, Java is a nice little language for animating web sites, but Shockwave after too many espressos isn’t going to displace Windows as an applications platform on hundreds of millions of PCs.”

“Nevertheless, Java is the future of computing, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to give God a strategic technology advantage!”

“Satan, what if I told you I could kill off Java with a single word?”

“Interesting. Tell me more.”

“Wait a minute. What’s in it for me?”

“I promise I won’t turn you into Larry Ellison’s bidet right this second.”

“Okay, that works for me. Here’s the word…disable.”

“Disable what?”

“Disable Java support in Internet Explorer.”

“You mean Microsoft’s web browser won’t run Java anymore?”

“That’s right, brimstone breath. You want to run Java, give Netscape 50 bucks per seat and pray that IBM doesn’t buy the company to merge Communicator with Lotus Notes.”

“The Department of Justice will…”

“Will what? Punish me because I won’t support a product my enemies want to use to destroy my company? Chevrolet dealers don’t have to sell Fords. Pepsi’s restaurants don’t have to offer Coke. Why does Microsoft have to support Java?”

“It’s an industry standard…”

“It’s an industry hallucination.”

“There will be a public outcry…”

“From who? Network managers? MIS? The CIO? They’re up to their nosehairs in Cobol getting ready for January 1, 2000. To them, Java is still a cute word for coffee.”

“What about all those spiffy applets on thousands of web sites?”

“Microsoft owns 100 percent of the Apple and Windows preload market for browsers, and our overall share has gone from zero to half in two years. It’s a safe bet most people will soon use IE for web access. If they come to a site that doesn’t work because of Java, they’ll simply jump to the next one. Trust me, developers will switch to ActiveX faster than you can say ‘Playstation.’”

“What about other platforms…”

“Like Intel has competition?”

“Interactive TV…”

“We call it WebTV in Redmond.”

“Venture capitalists have invested billions…”

“To get a date with Kim Polese.”

“Sun will write a plug-in…”

“Not without the hidden APIs.”

“Of all my minions, you are my very favorite, Bill. You may stay.”

“Thanks, Satan. Now, about that Exchange license agreement…”

Microsoft, Religion

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, except Papa’s mouse.

The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,

As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care

In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,

And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.

The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,

To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State

Because Santa’s workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.

All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle

To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,

St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,

With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,

And a house on Lake Washington that’s just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion.

The old fellow preens

In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.

The elves have stock options and desks with a view,

Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums

Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS

With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,

From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,

And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

“Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,

Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft’s SANTA that the kids can’t resist,

It’s the ultimate software with a traditional twist -

Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,

And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get ‘em young, keep ‘em long, is Microsoft’s scheme,

And a merger with Santa is a marketer’s dream.

To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!”

And Mama in her ‘kerchief and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,

The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.

As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,

My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates

Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.

And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,

Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Holiday, Microsoft