Virtual Illusions

A rich man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, flirting, dancing and eating BBQ, shrimp and oysters.

At the height of the party, the host said, “I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the guts to jump in.” The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw his neighbor, James, in the pool! He was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both James and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally he strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.

James then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, “Well,I guess I owe you a million dollars.”

“I don’t want that.” said James.

The rich man said, “I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?”

“That is not what I want!”, answered James.

Confused, the rich man asked, “Well, then what do you want?”

James said, “I want the name of the “%@!^*%$#^” who pushed me in the pool!”

Other

Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen

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Baby Conceived Naturally

It Wasn’t the Cigarettes — It Was the Ashtrays

Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President

Florida to Be Readmitted to Union

Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock

Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome young Actor.
“This Is True Love,” He Beams.

Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In DC

Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens

Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife

Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants

Younger Generation’s Music Provokes Outrage of Elders

DC National Zoo to Receive Rare Cow

Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby’s

Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper’s Allegations

Lists, Other

Customer: Hi, How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: On what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that’s too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there’s no difference; it’s all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I’d like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is $200 per gallon.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get $9 paint?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You’re kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don’t kid around here. Of course, I’ll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me?
You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn’t mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

Clerk: Yes sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to
happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don’t know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough

Clerk: Oh, no sir, you can’t do that. If you buy the paint and then don’t use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?!

Clerk: That’s right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall, and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the other bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all of the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there’s no point in getting upset; that’s just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all of the paint, and when you don’t, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is insane! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don’t keep painting until Sunday night?

Clerk: Yes sir, it will.

Customer: OK, I am going somewhere else to buy paint!

Clerk: That won’t do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. You might as well just buy it here, while the price is now $13.50.

Other

During the heat of the space race in the 1960’s, the U.S. National
Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball-point pen
to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was
developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed
some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet
Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

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A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache:

2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. -That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. -That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. -That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. -That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. -That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.:

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Everyone has seen The Sound Of Music, right?? No, well, anyway…here’s
Homers version of singing the scales:

DO RA ME DRINK by Homer Simpson

DOUGH……the stuff….that buys me beer….

RAY……..the guy that sells me beer….

ME………the guy…who drinks the beer….

FAR……..a long way to get beer…..

SO………I’ll have another beer…

LA………I’ll have another beer….

TEA……..no thanks, I’m drinking beer….

and that will bring us back to…

(Looks into an empty glass)

D’OH!!!!

Other

In

the

beginning

there was the

Hospital Adminis-

trator And He said,

“Let there be others to do

My work, that I might watch

over them”. And so He created as-

sistant administrators, each with the

power to beget others to do his work, that

he, in turn, might watch over them. And so that

they could better serve Him. He created offices. And

in each one He put a plush carpet, a desk, a secretary,

and an exotic plant. And He looked and saw that it was good.

But soon a fear grew in His heart, that all His assistants

might rise up against Him. So He created Red Tape that

one office might not know what each other was doing.

And His administration became the Tower of Babble.

And so it was when came the Great Fiscal Crisis,

and it was decreed that all unnecessary

positions would no longer be funded.

One by one, assistant Directors,

found redundant, were cut,

until there remained,

alone, the Hospital

Administrator to

do His own

work, and to

water many

exotic

plants.

By: Richard H. Greif, M.D.

New England Journal of Medicine Vol. 300,

No. 10, p. 569; March 8, 1979

Other, Quotes

So there’s this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, “OK for you.” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.”

The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”

Other

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - “to relax,” I told myself - but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we do here?”

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, “Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.” This gave me a lot to think about.

Things weren’t going so great at home either. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent the night at her mother’s.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Lambchop,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…”

“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce.”

“But Poopsie, surely it’s not that serious.”

“It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver. “You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money!”

“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I’d had enough. “I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors… and they didn’t open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground scrabbling at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker’s Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a noneducational video; last week it was “Porky’s.” Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed… easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Other

A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit. 9 Iron” The man looks round and doesn’t see anyone so he tries again. “Ribbit. 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?” The frog reply’s “Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog.”

The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog?”, the man asks. “Ribbit 3 wood.” was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf of his life and asks the frog, “Ok where to next?” The frog reply, “Ribbit Las Vegas”.

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “Ok frog, now what?” the frog says, “Ribbit Roulette”. Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks,” what do you think I should bet?” The frog reply, “Ribbit $3000 black 6.” Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss Me”. He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room”.

Other

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
London hotel’s staff and one of its guests. The London hotel
involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.

---

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,

S. Berman

---

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower
soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out
of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you
should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left
today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3
soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy,
Relief Maid

---

Dear Maid — I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
own bath-size Dial so I won’t need those 6 little Camays which are on
the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.

S. Berman

---

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps
which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps
which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish
where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for
your convenience. I didn’t remove the 3 complimentary soaps
which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new
check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in
last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty

---

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

---

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 745 AM and don’t get back before 530 or 6PM. That’s the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

---

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,

Housekeeper

---

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

---

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room
since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time
they service a room. The situation will be rectified
immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

---

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little
bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you
realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath
size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

---

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your
soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays
which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive
daily (sic). I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere
Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3
daily Camays. I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel
issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory
which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

---

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory. As of today I possess:

• On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4
  and 1 stack of 2.

• On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of
  3.

• On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
  hotel-size

  Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

• Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack
  of 2.

• In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
• On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
• On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the
stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that
stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that
my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent
spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased
another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel
vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

Other

ATLANTA (KRT) — And now for NBC’s impression of the Olympics on TV:

TRUMPETS: BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM!

BOB COSTAS: Good evening, and as you can tell by the sound of the Olympic Theme Song that we play almost as much as we show Kerri Strug’s historic vault, it’s time for our broadcast of The Recently Videotaped Olympic Games Featuring Americans. We’re going to start by taking you right to the track-and-field stadium, where the men’s 100-meter dash is about to get under way, despite the fact that it actually happened four hours ago.

TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, this promises to be an exciting race, featuring Americans.

COSTAS: And what are the obstacles that these Americans have overcome to create a Human Interest Factor for our broadcast?

TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, from left to right, they have overcome psoriasis, vertigo and a bad allergy to vinaigrette dressing.

COSTAS: We’ll come back to the men’s 100-meter final, but right now we’re going to replay the video of Kerri Strug, an American, overcoming her ankle to make her courageous vault.

(Kerri Strug vaults.)

COSTAS: What a human moment! Time for a commercial.

ANNOUNCER: We’re IBM. We’re a giant corporation with vast computer expertise. That’s why we’re in charge of keeping track of all the statistics for these, the Olympic Games of 1953. Thank you.

BOM! BOM! BOMBOM BOM BOM BOM!

COSTAS: Now we’re going to take you to women’s beach volleyball, where the sun is shining brightly despite the fact that it is now 10:37 p.m. on the East Coast.

BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: Thanks, Bob. This is Holly McPeak, an American, and as you can see in this digitized, computer-enhanced, ultra-slow-motion Beach Cam closeup shot, she has overcome cellulite.

COSTAS: I’ll say. When is she going to serve?

BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: She’ll be serving in about 4 seconds, Bob.

COSTAS: I’m sorry, but we don’t have that kind of time, because we need to show this Heartwarming Moment.

(Kerri Strug vaults.)

COSTAS: Now let’s go out to the cycling competition, where I believe we have a race involving an American.

CYCLING COMMENTATOR: That is correct, Bob. We have an American shown here pedaling furiously in 637th place, with a solid chance to move up to 636th.

COSTAS: What obstacle has this American overcome?

CYCLING COMMENTATOR: Bob, he is overcoming one hellacious case of hemorrhoids.

COSTAS: We’ll have more on that exciting cycling race, but right now we’re going to return to the Olympic track stadium for an update on the men’s 100-meter dash.

TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, the race started about two seconds ago and should be over in about eight more seconds. None of the Americans has fallen down.

COSTAS: We’re going to break away from the men’s 100-meter dash at this point, but we will be covering it throughout the course of the evening. Right now, however, we want you to see this moment, captured by our NBC cameras.

(Kerri Strug vaults.)

COSTAS: Now let’s head out to the pool to check on the progress of the American swimmers, all of whom have overcome asthma.

SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Bob, here we see an American swimmer winning a race. This happened earlier.

COSTAS: How much earlier?

SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Twenty-four years, Bob. This is Mark Spitz.

COSTAS: Time for this commercial.

ANNOUNCER: We’re the Nike Corporation. We pay famous athletes millions of dollars to wear our shoes. Because of this, you, the public, pay absurdly high prices for these shoes. Is that stupid, or what? Thank you.

BOM! BOM! BOMBOM BOM BOM BOM!

(Kerri Strug vaults.)

COSTAS: OK, right now there are exciting live gold-medal competitions going on in archery, shooting, rowing, kayaking, table tennis, softball, volleyball, team handball and judo, so right now we’re going to take you to beach volleyball, recorded earlier today.

BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: Bob, as you can see, American Holly McPeak is bending over.

COSTAS: I’ll say.

BOM! BOM! BOMBOM BOM BOM BOM!

(Kerri Strug vaults.)

Other