Virtual Illusions

Q. What Does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “Hey, Moe!” Its roots
go
back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered
that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if
he
was
poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the
physical
finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral
slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the
doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who
were
participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered.
These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no
longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no
longer part of the plan. But don’t worry — the remaining doctor
who
is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a
half day’s drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they
want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to
be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach
ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly
cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery,
but I’d already paid my bill. What should I do?

A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement
check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in
one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about,
like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I’m away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn’t do that. You’ll have a hard time seeing
your primary care physician. It’s best to wait until you return,
and
then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a
heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $10
co-payment, there’s no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Other

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI’s first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.

3. From sheep and horses.

4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5. Squirrel fir.

6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.

7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the
   wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be
   called Albert.

8. Distinctively crimson.

9. New Zealand.

10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

Other

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again. If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.

The redneck opened his lunch and said, Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.

Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral - The Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again” The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.” Everyone turned and stared at the redneck’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she said, “He makes his own lunch.”

Other

MASTER: Approach student, close the circle at the feet of the master. You
have come to me asking that I be your guide along the path of Tae Kwon
Leap. But, be warned: To learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your
own soul. Let us meditate on this wisdom now. So: Ohhhhmmmmm…

STUDENT1 (Ed Gruberman): Uh, sir! Sir! (Oo!, Oo!) Sir!

MASTER: Who disturbs our meditation, as a pebble disturbs the stillness of
the pond?

EG: Me! Ed Gruberman!

MASTER: E-Ed Gruberman.

EG: Yeah, uh, no disrespect or nuthin’, but, uh, how long is this gonna take?

MASTER: Tae Kwon Leap is not a path to a door, but a road leading
forever towards the horizon.

EG: So like, what, an hour or so?

MASTER: No, no, we have not even begun upon the path. Ed Gruberman, you
must learn patience.

EG: Yeah yeah yeah, patience. How long will that take?

MASTER: Time has no meaning. To a true student, a year is as a day.

EG: A YEAR??? I wanna beat people up right now! I got the pajamas! Yah
yah yah hwoom!

MASTER: ‘Beat people up’…

EG: Yeah! Just show me all those nifty moves so I can start trashing
bozos! That’s all I came here for! YO ASTA STA STA!!! Pretty good, ey?

MASTER: The only use of Tae Kwon Leap is self-defense. Do you know who
said that? Ki Lo Ni, the great teacher.

EG: Yeah? Well the best defense is a good offense, you know who said
that? Mel, the cook on ‘Alice’.

MASTER: Tae Kwon Leap is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of
hostility. Meditate upon this truth with us. Ohmmmmmm…..

EG: Listen, shrimp! Now are you gonna show me some fancy moves, or am I
gonna start wipin’ the walls with you?

MASTER: Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Tae Kwon Leap. Approach me that
you might see.

EG: All right! Finally some action!

MASTER: Observe closely, class. Boot to the Head! (SH-ZOOMP!)

EG (drunkenly): Owww! You booted me in the head!

MASTER: You are lucky, Ed Gruberman. Few novices experience so much of
Tae Kwon Leap so soon.

EG (quietly, to himself): Ow, oh, my head!

MASTER: Now we continue. Ohhhmmmmm…

EG: Hey! I wasn’t ready! Come and get me now shorty, hah? Come on, are
ya chicken?

MASTER: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)

EG (again, drunkenly): Oww! Okay, now I’m ready, okay, now, come on, try it
now.

MASTER: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)

EG: Mind if I just lie down here for a minute?

MASTER: Now class, we shall return to our..

STUDENT2: Master?

MASTER: It is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge, student.

STUDENT2: Many apologies, master. But I feel Ed Gruberman is not wholly
wrong.

MASTER: What do you mean?

STUDENT2: I want to boot some head, too.

MASTER: Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed Gruberman?

STUDENT2: Yes, master. I have learned two things. First, that anger
is a weapon only to one’s opponent.

MASTER: Very good.

STUDENT2: And secondly, get in the first shot. Boot to the head. (SH-ZOOMP!)

MASTER: You missed.

STUDENT2: Yeah. Well…

MASTER: You too shall be honored to learn a lesson…

STUDENT2: You don’t have to, you know. I gotta be going…

MASTER: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)

STUDENT2 (agonizing pain): Oyyy oy oyyyy…. Oh….

MASTER: Can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here?

STUDENT3: Yes, master. Not a single one of us could defeat you.

MASTER: You gain wisdom, child.

STUDENT3: So we’ll hafta gang up on ya! Get ‘im guys!

(Master throws many Boot-to-the-head’s and SH-ZOOMP’s, and people are groaning
in pain)

MASTER: And now class, let us rejoin the mind to the body and gaze into
the heart of the candle of meditation.

UNISON: Ohhhmmmm….

MASTER: Very good, class.

Yi yi yai yi….

People talking in movie shows,

People smoking in bed!

People voting Republican,

Give them a boot to the head!

Boot to the Head! Yah, yah…

Boot to the Head! Yah, yah…

Boot to the Head! Yah, yah…

Boot to the Head! Yah yah yah.. yah. yah yah yah…

Mechanics who can’t fix a car,

Politicians who can’t think!

The salesman who won’t leave me alone,

The waiter who forgot my drink!

(Refrain)

Boot to the head! Yah, yah..

Boot to the head! Yah, yah..

Boot to the head! Yah, yah..

BOOT TO THE HEAD!!

Other

A woman went to a market in Mexico and very loudly and obnoxiously demanded a half a melon. The clerk told her politely that the melons were only sold whole, but she continued to rant about only wanting a half melon. The clerk excused himself and went to the back of the store to talk to the manager.

Not realizing that the customer had followed him. He told the manager, “A loud, rude, and obnoxious woman wants me to sell her a half a melon.” He instantly realized that the woman was right behind him, and quickly added, “And this nice lady wants to buy the other half.”

The manager cut the melon in half, sold it to the woman and, as she happily left the store, he turned to the clerk and complimented him on his quick reactions and his calmness under pressure. “I am opening another store in Veracruz and I think you would be the perfect man to manage the whole operation.” he told the clerk.

“Veracruz!” said the clerk, “Who would want to live in Veracruz? There is nothing there except baseball players and whores.”

“My wife comes from Veracruz!” responded the boss.

“Oh” said the clerk. “And does your wife bat right-handed or left-handed?”

Other

Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-
olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a
carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with
pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to
formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and
sufficient quantity. Before embarking on the diet, however, be sure to
check with your doctor … otherwise you might have to see him
afterward. Good luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast — One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch — Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a
glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner — A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer.

Bedtime Snack — Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen
floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast — Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink
half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch — Half a tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a cigarette (to
be eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack — Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside,
drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner — A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your
left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast — Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub
in hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After
breakfast, pick up yesterday’s sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put
it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch — Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several
bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner — Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine,
coffee.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast — A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap,
an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add a
half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to
dog.

Lunch — Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find
that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner — A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on
plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Sue Broomell

Other

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. l don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Dam snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wantedme to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying. December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the

shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the dam snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think Iam?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Other

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in
their
saliva that works like new, improved Wisk — dislodging the dirt where it
hides and whisking it away.

I’ve spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I’ve been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the
kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that
cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he
must
look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and
announce: “This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez.”

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm
and head for the bathtub:

• Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and
  lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
  Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don’t try to
  bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a
  very
  small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I
  recommend
  that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as
  if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not
  do. A
  berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a
  politician can shift positions.)

• Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all
  the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and
  know
  how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked
  into
  high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet,
  a
  hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

• Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for
  a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the
  water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
  enclosure.
  Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back
  in
  the water.

• Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as
  if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice
  your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.
  If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a
  product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

• Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
  survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the
  tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
  squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds
  of
  your life.

• Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur,
  and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him
  for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him,
  however,
  you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like
  crazy.
  He’ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing
  himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don’t
  expect too much.)

• Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume
  this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at
  this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the
  drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That’s
  because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg.
  You
  simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait.
  (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your
  army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him
  loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is
  drained
  from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
  

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn’t usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses
and
injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

Other

Name:

Age:

Real Age:

How would you best describe yourself?

( ) An energetic self-starter

( ) A team player

( ) A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet

Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your tits?

Would it bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred?

“I am willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music industry.”

( )Yes ( )No

How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar?

Does nudity bother you? If so, give three excuses for your portfolio.

Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will
in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical medicine and
modern behavioristic psychology. Just kidding!! Seriously, do you like
leather mini-skirts?

( )Yes ( )No

Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?

( )Yes ( )No

Choose an appropriate nickname:

Sexy, Nasty, Sweetie, Syphilis, Lardy, Sickly, Sporty, Slappy.

Choose an appropriate image:

( ) Cute, blonde, appeals to pedophiles

( ) Tub of lard

( ) Bloke. In a tracksuit.

( ) Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity

( ) Terrifying to small children and old men

( ) All of the above

Do you promise to make one album and then go away forever?

( )Yes ( )No

If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometers, and 75
kilometers an hour, respectively, how would you look in a bikini?

If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help
alleviate Prince Charles’s loneliness?

( )Yes ( )No

In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really, want this
job.

Other

ONLY $ 49.50 PER
COUPLE

Includes all: TRANSPORTATION, MEALS, DRUGS, TOUR
TRANSFERS, HOTEL ACCOMMODATIONS,
FIRST AID, AND PARACHUTES (OPENS ON
IMPACT).

Don’t delay. Reservations must be received no
later than departure time.

Please reserve _________places for the TRIP TO
POLAND. Enclosed is my check for $ 10.95 Deposit
(Not Refundable).

Other