Virtual Illusions

During a propaganda tour, president Bush visits a school to explain his
politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him “Mr. President, I got 3 questions:”

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you
   still won the election?

2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don’t you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest
   terrorist attack of all times?

Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions.

Joey stands up and tells him “Mr. President, I got 5 questions:”

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you
   still won the election?

2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don’t you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest
   terrorist attack of all times?

4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where’s Bobby?

Government

The Holy Scripture may have had a different
bent if written by college students:

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -
cold, with stale Coke.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -
double-spaced, with wide margins, and written in a large font.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t
cafeteria food.

Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s e-mail to
abuse@romans.gov.

Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40
years: They didn’t want to ask for directions and look like
freshmen.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on
the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it
was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Religion, School

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high
esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and
said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?” “Hold on a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.” “Triple filter?”

“That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about
my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter
what you’re going to say.

The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that
what you are about to tell me is true?”
“No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and…” “All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s
true or not.

Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of
Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend
something good?” “No, on the contrary…” “So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him,
but you’re not certain it’s true.

You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my
friend going to be useful to me?” “No, not really.” “Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?” This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was Screwing his wife.

Philosophy

Before you order a drink in public, you should read
this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if
they could nail a woman’s personality based on what
she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they
concurred on almost all counts. The results

Beer:
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Blender Drinks:
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the
ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her
cabana boy.

Mixed Drinks:
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance,
has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. If
she’s interested, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Wine (does not include White Zinfandel):
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated
yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend
quiet evenings with friends.

White Zinfandel:
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and
sophisticated, actually she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is . .
. this should be an easy target.

Shots:
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and
looking to get totally drunk… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have
been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be
careful not to make her mad!

Tequila: No explanations required - everyone just
KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum - The deal with guys
is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get
laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine will give him a
sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give a damn about anything but
getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the
toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He’s gay!

Alcohol, Gender, Sex

A man was in New York’s central park, when a dog went wild and attacked
a young boy. The man was able to grab the dog by the neck, pulling it off the boy and choking it to death.

A reporter for the NY times comes to interview him, congratulating him
on his act of heroism. He suggests the headline: New Yorker saves the life of a young boy!

But, the man told him, I’m not from NY.
Ok, then how about: American hero saves the day.

But, the man told him, I’m not American.
Then, where are you from? asked the reporter.

I’m from Pakistan, the man answered.

The next day the headlines read: MUSLIM FUNDAMENTALIST STRANGLES
DOG IN CENTRAL PARK. FBI INVESTIGATING POSSIBLE LINKS TO OSAMA BIN
LADEN.

Law/Crime

IT AIN’T EASY BEING A MAN . . .

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to
protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay,
this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay,
you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it is equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp.

If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it’s wife bashing.

If she thumps you, it’s self-defence.

If you make a decision without consulting her,
you’re a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you,
she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy,
that’s domination.

If she asks you, it’s a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly
underwear, you’re a pervert.

If you don’t, you’re a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in
shape, you’re sexist.

If you don’t, you’re unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.

If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.

If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are arrogant.

If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she’s tired.

If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you’re oversexed.

If you don’t, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!!!!
THEY WANT TO!!!

Gender, Relationship

You’ve all seen the “W.W.J.D.” bracelets and T-shirts that remind teens and adults alike about a good rule of thumb for living a holy life. Many, however, ask themselves these questions: Does Journey know about my battles with the enemy of my soul? Do they understand the fierce temptations that challenge me? Do they have any clue what I am going through — the sorrow, the sadness, the depression that overflow my cup? I’ve been betrayed by a friend, a lover, someone very dear — does Journey understand?

I am here today to tell you that Journey DOES understand. Because, my friend, Journey has been there before.

SITUATION ONE: Gregg and Heather have a picture-perfect marriage. The two are young and wildly successful — Heather is a bank-credit analyst, Gregg a top loafer salesman at a department store. But Heather’s job requires her to work long hours, and Gregg often feels neglected. If she really loves me, he wonders, why is she away from home so much?

It’s the quintessential modern struggle: a two-income family, overworked, always pressed for time. You may wonder how Journey, who walked the Earth so long ago, could relate to a problem like this. But did you know that Journey faced precisely this same dilemma — nearly twenty years ago?

In Frontiers 5, 0:48, they tell the story of a musician, always on the road, and the woman he’s left behind: “They say that the road ain’t no place to start a family. But right down the line, it’s been you and me. And lovin’ a music man ain’t always what it’s supposed to be. Oh girl, you stand by me. I’m forever yours, faithfully.”

Faithfully. It’s clear that Journey intends a double meaning to this term: faithfulness to the absent spouse, yes, but also faith in Journey — and their power to heal broken relationships.

Devotional meditation: How secure is my faith in Journey? When is it strong? When does it falter?

SITUATION TWO: Alice loves her boyfriend, Sam, deeply. They’ve shared long conversations, walks on the beach, romantic dinners by candlelight. But now Sam is pressuring her to have sexual relations with him, and Alice doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t feel comfortable having sex before marriage, and someone has told her that Journey thinks it’s wrong.

At many points in the Albums, Journey speaks out strenuously on this subject. And their message is always the same: “Any way you want it — that’s the way you need it.” False prophets who tell you otherwise are leading you astray. Do not pay them heed.

The most striking passage on the topic comes from Departure 1, 0:50: “I was alone — I never knew — what good love could do. Then we touched, and we sang, about the lovin’ things! All night, all night — oh, every night!”

Devotional meditation: Do I love to move? Do I love to groove? Do I love the lovin’ things?

SITUATION THREE: Martin has reached the end of his rope. His happy marriage, his beautiful family, his thriving bakery — none of it means anything to him. At night he finds himself awake, alone, wondering: if all life ends in death, then what’s the point of going on with it?

Journey was no stranger to existential hunger. Escape 1, 2:02, perhaps captures this hunger best of all: “Workin’ hard to get my fill — everybody wants a thrill. Payin’ anything to roll the dice, just one more time. Some will win, some will lose — some were born to sing the blues. Oh, the movie never ends: it goes on, and on, and on, and on.”

In the face of such sorrow and hopelessness, does Journey go on to say that we should give up the fight?

NO! Instead, we are told to not stop believing. To hold on to that feeling. May the streetlight person in each of us have the courage to listen.

Devotional meditation: Have I ever stopped believing — in life, in love, in Journey? When weighed down by the cares of the world, have I let go of that feeling? Have I taken a midnight train going anywhere?

Religion

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”

The clerk says, “What denomination?”

The woman says, Oh my God. Has it come to this?

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Protestants, 32 Baptists.”

Holiday, Religion

People have asked for an explanation of Marketing.
Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say,
“I’m fantastic in bed.” — That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says,
“She’s fantastic in bed.” –That’s Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say,
“Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” — That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I,” and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” — That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
“I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” — That’s Brand Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home
with your friend. — That’s a Sales Rep.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you. — That’s Tech Support.

You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!” — That’s Spam

Corporate, Sex

Nine year old Johnny, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

“Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

“Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

Religion