Virtual Illusions

A British doctor says “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor says, “That’s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

A Russian doctor says, “In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, “You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

Government

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite amoretto
cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his
way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing
with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned
against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s
agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread
out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his
favorite cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife
of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering
one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his
knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of
the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife……
“Back off!” she said, “They’re for the funeral.”

Relationship

Patient: “Huh? What? Where am I?”
Nurse: “You’re in a hospital. You have just come out of a coma.”

Patient: “How long was I in a coma?”
Nurse: “Ten years”

Patient: “Wow…Who is the President?”
Nurse: “Bush”
Patient:

Patient: “How’s the economy?”
Nurse: “Lots of layoffs lately.”
Patient:

Patient: “Who is advising the President?
Nurse: “Cheney and Powell.”
Patient:

Patient: “Are we by any chance bombing Iraq?”
Nurse: “Yes, regular airstrikes.”

Patient: “How long was I…”
Nurse: “Ten years.”

Government

A sharp young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old tomes by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the young monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be reproduced in every subsequent copy.

The head monk says, “We have been doing it this way for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So the head monk walks down into the cellar with one of the copies to proof it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. One of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and discovers the old monk leaning over one of the original manuscripts, crying.

“What’s wrong?”

“The word was celebrate,” cries the old monk.

Religion

Dear John,

As you know, we’ve been working real hard in our town to get prayer back in the schools. Finally, the school board approved a plan of teacher-led prayer with the children participating at their own option. Children not wishing to participate were to be allowed to stand out in the hallway during the prayer time. We hoped someone would sue us so we could go all the way to the Supreme Court and get that old devil-inspired ruling reversed.

Naturally, we were all excited by the school board’s action. As you know, our own little Billy (not so little, any more, though) is now in the second grade. Of course, Margaret and I explained to him no matter what the other kids did, he was going to stay in the classroom and participate.

After the first day of school, I asked him, “How did the prayer time go?

“Fine.”

“Did many kids go out into the hallway?”

“Two.”

“Excellent. How did you like your teacher’s prayer?”

“It was different, Dad. Real different from the way you pray.”

“Oh? Like how?”

“She said, ‘Hail, Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners…’”

The next day I talked with the principal. I politely explained I wasn’t prejudiced against Catholics but I would appreciate Billy being transferred to a non-Catholic teacher. The principal said it would be done right away.

At supper that evening I asked Billy to say the blessings. He slipped out of his chair, sat cross-legged on the floor, closed his eyes, raised his hands palms up and began to hum.

You’d better believe I was at the principal’s office at eight o’clock the next morning. “Look,” I said. “I don’t really know much about these Transcendental Meditationists, but I would feel a lot more comfortable if you could move Billy to a room where the teacher practices an older, more established religion.’”

That afternoon I met Billy as soon as he walked in the door after school. “I don’t think you’re going to like Mrs. Nakasone’s prayer, either, Dad.”

“Out with it.”

“She kept calling God ‘O Great Buddha…’”

The following morning I was waiting for the principal in the school parking lot. “Look, I don’t want my son praying to the Eternal Spirit of whatever or to Buddha. I want him to have a teacher that prays in Jesus’ name!”

“What about Bertha Smith?”

“Excellent.”

I could hardly wait to hear about Mrs. Smith’s prayer. I was standing on the front steps of the school when the final bell rang.

“Well?” I asked Billy as we walked towards the car.

“Okay.”

“Okay what?”

“Mrs. Smith asked God to bless us and ended her prayer in Jesus’ name, amen — just like you.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Now we’re getting someplace.”

“She even taught us a verse of scripture about prayer,” said Billy.

I beamed. “Wonderful. What was the verse?”

“Let’s see…” he mused for a moment. ” ‘And behold, they began to pray; and they did pray unto Jesus, calling him their Lord and their God.’”

We had reached the car. “Fantastic,” I said, reaching for the door handle. Then I paused. I couldn’t place the scripture. “Billy, did Mrs. Smith say what book that verse was from?”

“Third Nephi, chapter 19, verse 18.”

“Third what?”

“Nephi,” he said, “It’s in the Book of Mormon.”

The school board doesn’t meet for a month. I’ve given Billy very definite instructions that at prayer time each day he’s to go out into the hallway. I plan to be at that board meeting. If they don’t do something about this situation, I’ll sue. I’ll take it all the way to the Supreme Court if I have to. I don’t need the schools or anybody else teaching my son about religion.

We can take care of that ourselves at home and at church, thank you very much.

Give my love to Sandi and the boys.

Your friend, Jack

Religion, School

Retail Idiots
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

OSHA & Idiots
An tip from the Environmental, Health and Safety Handbook for Employees: “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.”

Neighborhood Idiots
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

Food Service Idiots
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Sightings

1. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”
2. The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”
3. At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to “downsizing,” our manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
4. I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
5. When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger’s side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “It’s open!” “I know,” answered the young man. - “I already got that side.”

Urban Legends

Following are replies given on forms that asked for details regarding a child’s father.

Regarding the identity of the father of my twins: child “A” was fathered by Mr. X. I am unsure of the identity of the father of child “B,” but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

I am not sure of the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when I was taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party, if this helps.

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number?

I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a dent made by my boot heel in one of the door panels. Perhaps you could contact the local BMW agencies and see if he’s had it replaced.

I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

I cannot tell you the name of the child’s father as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have horrible implications for the country’s economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country, please advise.

I do not know who the father of my child is. All sailors look the same to me.

Mr. X the father of my child. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my CDs?

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

So much about that night is a blur. The only thing I remember for sure if that Julia Childs had a program about eggs that day. If I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party mine might have remained unfertilized.

Relationship, Sex

1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in “y”.
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh’n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lamb’s wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is sdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier’puyykmm4hbdm9l o9jmdskdm,.USING IT.
    

    Lists

100 little bugs in the code,
100 bugs in the code,

fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.

101 little bugs in the code…..

(Repeat until BUGS = 0)

Alcohol, Programmers

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings.

After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the
doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and
runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,” I’ll give you 800
dollars to drop that towel that you have on.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused,
but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the
towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
husband asks from the shower “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the 800 dollars he
owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in
time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure

Corporate