From Allusions to Illusions
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
- Dave Barry
You can’t be a Real Country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have a football team or some nuclear weapons, but […]
A while ago magazine ran a “Dilbert Quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the twelve finalists:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive […]
Cripes: My wife’s from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes’. ‘For Cripe’s sake.’ Who
would that be, Jesus Cripe’s? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of
‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in
‘Heck’?
Ads In Bills: Have you ever […]
In
the
beginning
there was the
Hospital Adminis-
trator And He said,
“Let there be others to do
My work, that I might watch
over them”. And so He created as-
sistant administrators, each with the
power to beget others to do his work, that
he, in turn, might watch over them. And […]
Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance
pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
– Bob Ettinger
[…]
— From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate
“Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey”
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess […]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[…]
“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with
those people”
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
“They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take
them off.”
[…]
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that
but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
– Mariah Carey
[ed. I received an email indicating that Mariah Carey never said the above.]
Question: […]
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room-temperature.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
You can’t have everything…where would you put it?
I went to a […]
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