Archive

Archive for the ‘Quotes’ Category

Peals of Wisdom from fromer Vice President Danforth Quayle

December 27th, 2001

Actual Quotes:

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with
those people.”

— J. Danforth Quayle

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”

— J. Danforth Quayle

“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind
is being very wasteful. How true that is.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean
in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t
live in this century.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

“May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.”

— The Quayles’ 1989 Christmas card.

[Not a beacon of literacy, though.]

“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

“We don’t want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in
the Future.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“The future will be better tomorrow.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

“People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact on history.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We
have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“Public speaking is very easy.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88

“I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and
the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to
blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the
killings? The killers are to blame.”

– Vice President Dan Quayle

“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
it.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92

(reported in Esquire, 8/92)

“Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still
has a job next year.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90

“The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that
Dan Quayle may or may not make.”

– Vice President Dan Quayle

“We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the mistakes we may or may not have made.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

Government, Lists, Quotes, Urban Legends

Lawyer Quotes

December 27th, 2001

The following are actual questions asked by lawyers during legal proceedings. The questions were compiled by the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal and these particular questions were subsequesnlty printed in a humor section of the American Legion Magazine (note copyright lawyer phrase above).

“How many times have you committed suicide?”

“Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

“The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he again?”

“Were you present when your picture was taken?”

“Were you alone or by yourself?”

“Was it you, or your younger brother, who was killed in the war?”

“You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

“These stairs that went down to the basement, did they go up also?”

“So, what were you doing when your baby was conceived?”

“Did he kill you?”

In addition to the above, I’d like to point out one leading question that I’m told is a favorite of lawyers. . .

“Is it true that you’ve stopped beating your wife?”

Law/Crime, Quotes, Urban Legends

More Court Quotes

December 27th, 2001

The following are actual statements made during
court cases:


Judge: I know you, don’t I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice
not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.


From a defendant representing himself…

Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I
stole your purse?

Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who
stole my purse.

Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the
chance.


Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.
Are you the
defendant?

Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the
chickens.


Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?

Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.

Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for
the prosecution.

Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should
be drowned at
birth too.


Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand…

Plaintiff’s Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the
injuries
you sustained while at work?

Plaintiff: Dr. J.

Plaintiff’s Lawyer: And what kind of physician is
Dr. J?

Plaintiff: Well, I’m not sure, but I remember that
you said he was a
good one.


Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a
juror in this
case?

Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.


Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.

Witness: I didn’t see no fight.

Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.

Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house,
and as the men swung
around and changed partners, they would slap each
other, and one
fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so
the other one hit
back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else
drew a six-shooter and
another guy came up with a rifle that had been
hidden under a bed, and the
air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.

Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?

Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the
fracas and the navel.


Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another
lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t
interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any
comments on the
defendant’s motion?

Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t
listening.


Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

Judge: What does the “Colonel” stand for?

Defendant: Well, it’s kinda like the “Honorable”
in front of your
name. Not a damn thing.


Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness.
Have you anything
to say in your defense?

Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?


Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in
jail): Can I address
the court?

Judge: Of course.

Defendant: If I called you a s.o.b, what would you
do?

Judge: I’d hold you in contempt and assess an
additional five days in
jail.

Defendant: What if I thought you were a s.o.b.?

Judge: I can’t do anything about that. There’s no
law against
thinking.

Defendant: In that case, I think you’re a s.o.b..

Law/Crime, Quotes, Urban Legends

Humor in the Court

December 27th, 2001

During courtroom proceedings, all utterings are noted by a
clerk.
Here are some of the most humourous ones, as collected by
Mary Louise Gilman. These and more can be found in the
following
books, “Humor in the Court” 1977 and “More Humor in the Court”
1997.


Q. What is your brother-in-law’s name?

A. Borofkin.

Q. What’s his first name?

A. I can’t remember.

Q. He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t
remember his first name?

A. No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness
chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God’s sake,
tell them your first name!


Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

A. No.


Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
terminated?

A. By death.

Q. And by whose death was it terminated?


Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.


Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.


Q. Are you married?

A. No, I’m divorced.

Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.


Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

A. I will be three months November 8th.

Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?

A. Yes.

Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?


Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead
people?

A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.


Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. Before or after he died?


Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under
the influence?

A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate
his words.


Q. What happened then?

A. He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can
identify me.”

Q. Did he kill you?

A. No.


Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.


Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?

A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?

A. Attached to the ears.


Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to
and
were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on
her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and
shot.


Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?

A. Oral.

Q. How old are you?

A. Oral.


Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not,
where
there was a victim?


Q. …and what did he do then?

A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.

Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?


Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
indignities?

A. He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the
furniture.


Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of
this defendant?

A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill that
sonofabitch- and she did!


Q. Do you drink when you’re on duty?

A. I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty
drunk.


Q. …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

A. The victim lived.


Q. Are you sexually active?

A. No, I just lie there.


Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.


Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the fracas?

A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the
naval.


Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?

A. It indicates intercourse.

Q. Male sperm?

A. That is the only kind I know.

Law/Crime, Quotes, Urban Legends