Virtual Illusions

A farmer in Alabama was driving across a bridge in his pickup
truck when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge
ready to jump to his death in the river below.

The man stopped his truck, ran up to the man, and said, “Hey
fellow, why are you doing this?” The man replied, “Well, I have
nothing to live for.”

The Alabama man replied, “Well, think of your wife and children!”
The jumper replied, “I have no wife or children.”

The Alabama man then said, “Well, then think of your mother and
father!” The man replied, “Mom and Dad passed on many years
back.”

The Alabama man then said, “Well, think of General Robert E.
Lee!” The would-be jumper replied, “Who?”

With that the Alabama man said, “Jump you stupid yankee, jump!”

Regional

Chicago:
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:

New York:
One hand on wheel, one finger out window

New Jersey:
One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of
traffic.

Boston:
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:

Los Angeles:
One hand on wheel, one hand holding an avacado sandwich, cradling cell
phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap.

Ohio driver, but driving in California:
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:

Italy:
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk
to someone in back seat.

Seattle:
One hand on 12 oz. Double Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone,
foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while
stuck in traffic

Texas:
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet
being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out
the window.

Alabama:
Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on
floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.

Florida:
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving
35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.

Regional

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than
Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s
Don’t Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To
Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes … Well Okay, We’re
Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But
That’s Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For
Most
Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes… And 10,000,000,000,000
Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At
Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,
Right-wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer
##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You
Have The
Right To An Attorney …

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t
Actually
Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw
Yokels
Don’t Mix?

Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family… Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men … and the sheep are
scared!

Regional

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
3. You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce”
   correctly.
4. You don’t know what a moon pie is.
5. You’ve never had grain alcohol.
6. You’ve never, ever, eaten Okra.
7. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
8. You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen
   are on
   road trips.
9. You have no idea what a polecat is.
10. You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
11. You don’t have bangs.
12. You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.
13. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of
    the same
    prep school in Connecticut.
14. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
    his own
    TV fishing show.
15. Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call
    them
    “you guys,” even if both of them are women.
16. You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.
17. You think more money should go to important scientific research at
    your
    university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
18. You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the
    house.
19. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from
    getting on an
    on-ramp on the highway.
20. You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
21. The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at
    Neiman Marcus.
22. You call binoculars “opera glasses.”
23. You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
    of the
    road and stopping.
24. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
25. You don’t know what applique is.
26. You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy
    Bob,
    Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
27. You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make
    one.
28. You’ve never been to a craft show.
29. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
30. You can’t do your laundry without quarters.

Lists, Regional

• We don’t keep firearms in this house.
  
• Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
  
• You can’t feed that to the dog.
  
• I thought Graceland was tacky.
  
• No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.
  
• Wrasslin’s fake.
  
• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
  
• We’re vegetarians.
  
• Do you think my hair is too big?
  
• I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
  
• Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
  
• Who’s Richard Petty?
  
• Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
  
• Deer heads detract from the decor.
  
• Spitting is such a nasty habit.
  
• I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
  
• Trim the fat off that steak.
  
• Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
  
• The tires on that truck are too big.
  
• I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
  
• I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
  
• Unsweetened tea tastes better.
  
• Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
  
• My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
  
• I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
  
• Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
  
• Checkmate.
  
• She’s too old to be wearing that bikini.
  
• Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
  
• Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
  
• I don’t have a favorite college team.
  
• I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
  
• Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
  
• Elvis who?

Lists, Regional

These are real titles of real songs that, if you really wanted to,
you could go and buy on CD.

• Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

• Here’s A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares

• How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

• I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

• I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

• I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

• I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You

• I Wanna Whip Your Cow

• I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!

• I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win

• I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

• I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

• I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line

• If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

• If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low

• If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You

• If The Phone Don’t Ring, Baby, You’ll Know It’s Me

• If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

• If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

• Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)

• May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose

• My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

• My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
  Breaking My Heart

• My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

• Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping
  Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

• Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone To Kill

• She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft; She Got The Ring And
  I Got The Finger

• She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

• She’s Got Freckles On Her, But She’s Pretty

• Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone

• They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From
  Breakin’ Out

• Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

• When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll Think You’re Walking In

• You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too

• You Can’t Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd

• You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

• You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Lists, Regional, Urban Legends

• Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
• Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
• If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
• Never ask a man the size of his spread.
• After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
• If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
• Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
• It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.
• Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
• If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be suprised if they learn their lesson.
• The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it’s done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
• When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
• Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.
• Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• A smart ass just don’t fit in a saddle.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Lists, Regional

These mimic the “Washington rules” on how to conduct business in our
nation’s capital:

1. If it’s worth fighting for, it’s worth fighting dirty for.
   
2. Don’t lie, cheat, or steal unnecessarily.
   
3. There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.
   
4. An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
   
5. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
   
6. Chicken little only has to be right once.
   
7. “No” is only an interim response.
   
8. You can’t kill a bad idea.
   
9. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
   
10. The truth is variable.
    
11. A porcupine with its quills down is just another fat rodent.
    
12. You can agree with any concept or notional future option, but fight
    implementation every step of the way.
    
13. A promises is not a guarantee.
    
14. If you can’t counter an argument, leave the meeting.

Government, Lists, Regional

Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if….

• your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
• he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
• you have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”
• he refers to Klingons as “Critters”
• he refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”
• he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum
  foil

• he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
• he says “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing
  frequencies”

• he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
• he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
• he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
• he says “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”
• he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
• he insists on calling his executive officer “Bubba”
• he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of “Bassmaster”
• he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
• he paints the starship John Deere green
• he refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”
• he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp”
• his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
• he sings “Lucille” instead of “Kathleen”
• his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
• he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
• his idea of a “gas giant” is that big ol’ XO Bubba after a meal of
  beans
  and weenies

• he sets phaser to “Cajun”

Fiction, Lists, Regional

Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.

You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.

You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over t’ the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

Fiction, Regional