Virtual Illusions

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children.
3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if Gay marriage is allowed, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is illegal.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to things like cars or longer lifespan.
12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

Government, Lists, Relationship

IT AIN’T EASY BEING A MAN . . .

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to
protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay,
this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay,
you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it is equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp.

If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it’s wife bashing.

If she thumps you, it’s self-defence.

If you make a decision without consulting her,
you’re a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you,
she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy,
that’s domination.

If she asks you, it’s a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly
underwear, you’re a pervert.

If you don’t, you’re a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in
shape, you’re sexist.

If you don’t, you’re unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.

If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.

If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are arrogant.

If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she’s tired.

If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you’re oversexed.

If you don’t, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!!!!
THEY WANT TO!!!

Gender, Relationship

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite amoretto
cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his
way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing
with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned
against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s
agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread
out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his
favorite cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife
of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering
one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his
knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of
the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife……
“Back off!” she said, “They’re for the funeral.”

Relationship

Following are replies given on forms that asked for details regarding a child’s father.

Regarding the identity of the father of my twins: child “A” was fathered by Mr. X. I am unsure of the identity of the father of child “B,” but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

I am not sure of the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when I was taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party, if this helps.

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number?

I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a dent made by my boot heel in one of the door panels. Perhaps you could contact the local BMW agencies and see if he’s had it replaced.

I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

I cannot tell you the name of the child’s father as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have horrible implications for the country’s economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country, please advise.

I do not know who the father of my child is. All sailors look the same to me.

Mr. X the father of my child. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my CDs?

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

So much about that night is a blur. The only thing I remember for sure if that Julia Childs had a program about eggs that day. If I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party mine might have remained unfertilized.

Relationship, Sex

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, Some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re
finished.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.

I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your
house, one of your kids did it.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.

Relationship

(author unknown)

Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I’m kind of concerned.

I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you’re giving me your number because I’m too shy to ask for it.

I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some
dinner, I relax, you relax. We go out a few more times, get to know each
other’s friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable.

So we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married. I get a promotion; you get a promotion; we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom; but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful.

The sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely
kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you’re stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence

I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I’m careless and a lousy liar. You throw me out (justifiably so), and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up.

That’s just too sad. Think about the children.

So, for God’s sake, if you dance with me, and we hit it off, let’s just
keep it sexual, because we both know where it’s going.

Relationship, Sex

Classes for men at our local Learning Center for Adults:

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each
course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide
presentation.

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do rolls grow on the holders? Round
table discussion.

Topic 3 - Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the
seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub? Group practice.

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the
floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and
fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other.
Help-line support and support groups.

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the
right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audiotape.

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life testimonials.

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel
parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning to live together: Basic differences between your
mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation,
exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays,
anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you’re going to be
late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

**Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the
survivors.**

Gender, Relationship, School

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn’t say anything much about it.

The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn’t really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the hell that meant because you know he didn’t say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he’s seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:

Texas lost to Oklahoma. Got laid though.

Gender, Relationship

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth & the doctor told them that he’d developed a new machine & asked if they’d like to try it out.

The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother & give it to the father to ease the mother’s burden.

Well, they thought that was a good idea & decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on 10 percent to begin with, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he’d ever experienced.

But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling & asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to 20 percent & when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50, & then finally to 100 percent.

After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little. Both he & his wife felt fine.

Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

Relationship

These three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally get through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who takes them to a small room with a one way mirror in it looking into another room.

They bring the first guy’s wife into that room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the first man and says “Go kill your wife of five years.” The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 1 minute later and says “I can’t do it.” The instructor replies, “Then you fail out - get out.”

They then bring the second guy’s wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the second man and says “Go kill your wife of ten years.” The trainee takes the weapon , goes into the next room but comes back out 3 minutes later and says “I can’t do it.” The instructor replies, “Then you fail out - get out.”

Finally, they bring the third guy’s wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the third man and says “Go kill your wife of fifteen years.” The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room where there is silence for 1 minute. Suddenly, there are two gunshot sounds followed by a huge commotion in the room. The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and says, “Good job, asshole! You gave me blanks - I had to choke the bitch!”

Relationship