Virtual Illusions

A guy had been isolated on an island in the South Pacific for 10 years.

He lit a signal every night for 10 years but no one saw it and no one came to rescue him. Finally a passing boat did notice the signal and sent an officer and men in a small boat to investigate.

The castaway explained that he had been on this island for 10 years waiting to be rescued.

The boat captain ask “If you are all alone, what are those three huts I see built in the lagoon?

He answered “The first hut is my home. The second hut is where I go to church. And the third hut is where I went to church before I got mad and changed churches …”

Religion

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction honey.

Q: But the inspectors didn’t find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That’s because the Iraqis were hiding them.

Q: And that’s why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn’t find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?
A: That’s because the weapons are so well hidden. Don’t worry, we’ll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war, silly.

Q: I’m confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn’t they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn’t want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.

Q: That doesn’t make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?
A: It’s a different culture. It’s not supposed to make sense.

Q: I don’t know about you, but I don’t think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn’t matter whether or not they had those weapons.We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn’t have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don’t go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it’s a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Isn’t that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.

Q: What’s the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba’ath party, while China is Communist.

Q: Didn’t you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.

Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China’s a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.

Q: How come Cuba isn’t a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn’t that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don’t be a smart-ass.

Q: I didn’t think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don’t have freedom of religion in Cuba.

Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he’s not really a Legitimate leader anyway.

Q: What’s a military coup?
A: That’s when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.

Q: Didn’t the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

Q: Didn’t you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an Illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men? Fifteen of them Saudi Arabians? hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.

Q: Aren’t the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people’s heads and hands?
A: Yes, that’s exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people’s heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.

Q: Didn’t the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.

Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.

Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.

Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people’s heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people’s heads and hands off for other reasons?
A: Yes. It’s OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people’s hands for growing flowers, but it’s cruel if they cut off people’s hands for stealing bread.

Q: Don’t they also cut off people’s hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That’s different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.

Q: Don’t Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.

Q: What’s the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman’s body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman’s body except for her eyes and fingers.

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don’t go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.

Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.

Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.

Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we’re mad at them now. We’re also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn’t help us invade Iraq either.

Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.

Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn’t do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.

Q: But wasn’t Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.

Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him
our friend, temporarily.

Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

Q: Isn’t that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.

Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically Becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that’s true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.

Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America’s side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?

Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.

Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.

Q: So basically, what you’re saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
A. Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.

Q: Good night, Daddy

Government, Religion

Although locked in fierce competition for what seems like forever, God and the Devil meet once every week for coffee just to catch up with each other. One week they’re in heaven and the next they’re in hell.

When it was God’s turn to host last week, the Devil was whistling a happy tune as he walked through the gates and wore a huge smile as he plopped down in the golden chair.

As he poured a cup, God said, “You look pretty pleased with yourself.”

“Yeah,” said the Devil, “Things are really looking up since I got that engineer last week. He’s put in escalators and flush toilets, and he even found a way to control the heat in those old furnaces. I’ve been meaning to thank you for turning him away up here.”

God looked stunned, and almost spilled coffee into the saucer.

“You know that you’re not supposed to get any engineers,” God said. “Peter was breaking in some new help at the gates last week, and they must have made a mistake. Just send him back up and we’ll straighten it out.”

But the Devil just chuckled and said, “No. I think I’ll keep him. He was talking about looking into better ventilation this week. I can see why you keep them all for yourself.”

“Send him back,” demanded God

“No,” smirked the Devil.

God thundered, “Send him back, or…”

“Or what?” the Devil asked.

“Or I’ll sue,” finished God.

The Devil chuckled again.

“Where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Engineers, Religion

Gleaned via my time machine from over 2000 years in the future, the debate over scripture still rages…

Q: I’m unclear about the nature of the Trinity. Can you explain it in more detail?

A: The nature of the Trinity is a tricky subject even for scholars. Essentially, the Godhead is composed of Santa Claus, Frosty (the Son) and Rudolph (the Spirit). Though Santa Claus is the ruler of the North Pole, admittance to the Pole is only achieved through belief in Frosty. Rudolph, as the Spirit, is both a part of and apart from Santa and the Son. Additionally, Rudolph may manifest himself within others, including Frosty but not Santa Claus (who’s will rules all). Frosty may manifest Himself in Rudolph, though He does not manifest in man (since He is part man and part divinity). All of the authors of Scripture were possessed of Rudolph while writing, and this is why we say that Santa manifested Himself through Rudolph to produce a completely inerrant work. Simple, isn’t it?

Q: Santa is depicted as a rather portly Being, and yet He can slip down chimneys with ease. How is this logically possible?

A: Remember that we are speaking of the chimneys of antiquity and not the ones found in homes today. Archeological digs supervised by our own Ministry have unearthed chimneys as large as 15 feet square, thus fully capable of accommodating Santa’s legendary girth. However, the problem is moot since Santa, being divine, could go through the key hole if he so desired.

Q: The Book of “‘Twas” lists eight reindeer, and yet Rudolph makes nine. How do you explain this obvious discrepancy?

A: A careful reading of the relevant passage easily harmonizes this “discrepancy”�

�When, what to my wondering eyes did appear
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

Scripture makes specific reference to “eight TINY reindeer”. Rudolph was a reindeer of average proportions. Therefore, there is no discrepancy. The sleigh was being pulled by eight “tiny” reindeer and one normal sized reindeer, namely Rudolph.

Q: How did Santa navigate in foggy weather before Rudolph? Are we to believe that there were no foggy Clausmas nights prior to His birth?

A: Yes. In fact, there were no foggy nights period before the advent of Rudolph. Scripture clearly teaches that Santa created fog to punish “all of the other reindeer” for laughing at Rudolph’s radiant nose and the sin of idolatry. Since that time, however, Rudolph’s glorious light has led many out of sin and into the eternal holiness of the North Pole, there to bask in the glory of the True Claus.

Q: How do we know that Frosty is the Son of Santa? He’s not even mentioned in the Book of ‘Twas.

A: You need to read more carefully, my friend! Frosty is clearly referred to many times�

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Gave luster of midday to objects below�

�is a clear reference to Frosty’s nature as both snow and man (that is, “breast” fed) and his ability to “shine light” upon (or illuminate) objects below. Additionally,

�his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

�is a clear reference to Frosty’s coal (or “ashes and soot”) eyes. Also, both Frosty and Santa smoke pipes, wear hats and are jolly. What more evidence do you need?

Q: Isn’t Frosty just another “resurrection” god, much like Adonis, Jesus and Osiris? And what’s so special about His resurrection anyway? Doesn’t water turn into snow automatically when the temperature drops?

A: The resurrection of Frosty differs in many ways from that of others. First, Frosty did not just “turn into snow” by some capricious act of nature, but rather his resurrection was self willed. Secondly, He Himself forecast His own resurrection - it was not forecast by local weather stations of the period, contrary to the opinions of some skeptics. And finally, He forecast His ultimate return to earth to judge the unworthy with His last remark�

�he waved goodbye, saying
“Don’t you cry, I’ll be back again someday!”

I’ll be ready for his return. Will you, my friend?

Q: In the often quoted passage�

Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus
Who despises all things homosexual in nature and will cast their sinning asses into hell
Right down Santa Claus lane�

�the third line doesn’t seem to “scan” with regards to the rest of the text. Is it possible that the text has been tampered with in some way?

A: No. It is a common ploy among those with a homosexual agenda to try to discredit Scripture by claiming that those who wrote it had some sort of bias or political agenda. Just because they don’t like what Santa had to say about their life-style is no reason for them to try to re-write Scripture. Much the same argument has been advanced by pro-abortionists who view �

�It’s a beautiful sight, we’re happy tonight, Santa hates baby-killers,
Walkin’ in a Winter Wonderland�.

�as some sort “altered” text. The authors of the Scriptures were DIVINELY moved by the will of Santa through the power of Rudolph. They had no political agenda whatsoever, and in fact, we have good evidence to support the claim that most were far too uneducated to even spell the word “agenda”.

Q: The verse�

�there must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found
For when they placed it on His head, He began to dance around�
�seems to strongly imply that magic was involved in Frosty’s initial creation. Yet the Church forbids such practices. Explain.

A: This is purely a problem of translation, not doctrine. The word “magic” here comes to us from the root maj - ika, which means literally “divinely given holy power of the Santa”. Some newer versions of Scripture have actually edited out this deceptive translation and the text now reads (as it always should have)�

�there must have been some divinely given holy power of the Santa in that old silk hat they found�

�and there was, my friend, there was.

Holiday, Religion

The Holy Scripture may have had a different
bent if written by college students:

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -
cold, with stale Coke.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -
double-spaced, with wide margins, and written in a large font.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t
cafeteria food.

Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s e-mail to
abuse@romans.gov.

Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40
years: They didn’t want to ask for directions and look like
freshmen.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on
the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it
was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Religion, School

You’ve all seen the “W.W.J.D.” bracelets and T-shirts that remind teens and adults alike about a good rule of thumb for living a holy life. Many, however, ask themselves these questions: Does Journey know about my battles with the enemy of my soul? Do they understand the fierce temptations that challenge me? Do they have any clue what I am going through — the sorrow, the sadness, the depression that overflow my cup? I’ve been betrayed by a friend, a lover, someone very dear — does Journey understand?

I am here today to tell you that Journey DOES understand. Because, my friend, Journey has been there before.

SITUATION ONE: Gregg and Heather have a picture-perfect marriage. The two are young and wildly successful — Heather is a bank-credit analyst, Gregg a top loafer salesman at a department store. But Heather’s job requires her to work long hours, and Gregg often feels neglected. If she really loves me, he wonders, why is she away from home so much?

It’s the quintessential modern struggle: a two-income family, overworked, always pressed for time. You may wonder how Journey, who walked the Earth so long ago, could relate to a problem like this. But did you know that Journey faced precisely this same dilemma — nearly twenty years ago?

In Frontiers 5, 0:48, they tell the story of a musician, always on the road, and the woman he’s left behind: “They say that the road ain’t no place to start a family. But right down the line, it’s been you and me. And lovin’ a music man ain’t always what it’s supposed to be. Oh girl, you stand by me. I’m forever yours, faithfully.”

Faithfully. It’s clear that Journey intends a double meaning to this term: faithfulness to the absent spouse, yes, but also faith in Journey — and their power to heal broken relationships.

Devotional meditation: How secure is my faith in Journey? When is it strong? When does it falter?

SITUATION TWO: Alice loves her boyfriend, Sam, deeply. They’ve shared long conversations, walks on the beach, romantic dinners by candlelight. But now Sam is pressuring her to have sexual relations with him, and Alice doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t feel comfortable having sex before marriage, and someone has told her that Journey thinks it’s wrong.

At many points in the Albums, Journey speaks out strenuously on this subject. And their message is always the same: “Any way you want it — that’s the way you need it.” False prophets who tell you otherwise are leading you astray. Do not pay them heed.

The most striking passage on the topic comes from Departure 1, 0:50: “I was alone — I never knew — what good love could do. Then we touched, and we sang, about the lovin’ things! All night, all night — oh, every night!”

Devotional meditation: Do I love to move? Do I love to groove? Do I love the lovin’ things?

SITUATION THREE: Martin has reached the end of his rope. His happy marriage, his beautiful family, his thriving bakery — none of it means anything to him. At night he finds himself awake, alone, wondering: if all life ends in death, then what’s the point of going on with it?

Journey was no stranger to existential hunger. Escape 1, 2:02, perhaps captures this hunger best of all: “Workin’ hard to get my fill — everybody wants a thrill. Payin’ anything to roll the dice, just one more time. Some will win, some will lose — some were born to sing the blues. Oh, the movie never ends: it goes on, and on, and on, and on.”

In the face of such sorrow and hopelessness, does Journey go on to say that we should give up the fight?

NO! Instead, we are told to not stop believing. To hold on to that feeling. May the streetlight person in each of us have the courage to listen.

Devotional meditation: Have I ever stopped believing — in life, in love, in Journey? When weighed down by the cares of the world, have I let go of that feeling? Have I taken a midnight train going anywhere?

Religion

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”

The clerk says, “What denomination?”

The woman says, Oh my God. Has it come to this?

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Protestants, 32 Baptists.”

Holiday, Religion

Nine year old Johnny, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

“Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

“Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

Religion

A sharp young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old tomes by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the young monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be reproduced in every subsequent copy.

The head monk says, “We have been doing it this way for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So the head monk walks down into the cellar with one of the copies to proof it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. One of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and discovers the old monk leaning over one of the original manuscripts, crying.

“What’s wrong?”

“The word was celebrate,” cries the old monk.

Religion

Dear John,

As you know, we’ve been working real hard in our town to get prayer back in the schools. Finally, the school board approved a plan of teacher-led prayer with the children participating at their own option. Children not wishing to participate were to be allowed to stand out in the hallway during the prayer time. We hoped someone would sue us so we could go all the way to the Supreme Court and get that old devil-inspired ruling reversed.

Naturally, we were all excited by the school board’s action. As you know, our own little Billy (not so little, any more, though) is now in the second grade. Of course, Margaret and I explained to him no matter what the other kids did, he was going to stay in the classroom and participate.

After the first day of school, I asked him, “How did the prayer time go?

“Fine.”

“Did many kids go out into the hallway?”

“Two.”

“Excellent. How did you like your teacher’s prayer?”

“It was different, Dad. Real different from the way you pray.”

“Oh? Like how?”

“She said, ‘Hail, Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners…’”

The next day I talked with the principal. I politely explained I wasn’t prejudiced against Catholics but I would appreciate Billy being transferred to a non-Catholic teacher. The principal said it would be done right away.

At supper that evening I asked Billy to say the blessings. He slipped out of his chair, sat cross-legged on the floor, closed his eyes, raised his hands palms up and began to hum.

You’d better believe I was at the principal’s office at eight o’clock the next morning. “Look,” I said. “I don’t really know much about these Transcendental Meditationists, but I would feel a lot more comfortable if you could move Billy to a room where the teacher practices an older, more established religion.’”

That afternoon I met Billy as soon as he walked in the door after school. “I don’t think you’re going to like Mrs. Nakasone’s prayer, either, Dad.”

“Out with it.”

“She kept calling God ‘O Great Buddha…’”

The following morning I was waiting for the principal in the school parking lot. “Look, I don’t want my son praying to the Eternal Spirit of whatever or to Buddha. I want him to have a teacher that prays in Jesus’ name!”

“What about Bertha Smith?”

“Excellent.”

I could hardly wait to hear about Mrs. Smith’s prayer. I was standing on the front steps of the school when the final bell rang.

“Well?” I asked Billy as we walked towards the car.

“Okay.”

“Okay what?”

“Mrs. Smith asked God to bless us and ended her prayer in Jesus’ name, amen — just like you.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Now we’re getting someplace.”

“She even taught us a verse of scripture about prayer,” said Billy.

I beamed. “Wonderful. What was the verse?”

“Let’s see…” he mused for a moment. ” ‘And behold, they began to pray; and they did pray unto Jesus, calling him their Lord and their God.’”

We had reached the car. “Fantastic,” I said, reaching for the door handle. Then I paused. I couldn’t place the scripture. “Billy, did Mrs. Smith say what book that verse was from?”

“Third Nephi, chapter 19, verse 18.”

“Third what?”

“Nephi,” he said, “It’s in the Book of Mormon.”

The school board doesn’t meet for a month. I’ve given Billy very definite instructions that at prayer time each day he’s to go out into the hallway. I plan to be at that board meeting. If they don’t do something about this situation, I’ll sue. I’ll take it all the way to the Supreme Court if I have to. I don’t need the schools or anybody else teaching my son about religion.

We can take care of that ourselves at home and at church, thank you very much.

Give my love to Sandi and the boys.

Your friend, Jack

Religion, School