Virtual Illusions

Before you order a drink in public, you should read
this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if
they could nail a woman’s personality based on what
she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they
concurred on almost all counts. The results

Beer:
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Blender Drinks:
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the
ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her
cabana boy.

Mixed Drinks:
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance,
has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. If
she’s interested, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Wine (does not include White Zinfandel):
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated
yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend
quiet evenings with friends.

White Zinfandel:
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and
sophisticated, actually she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is . .
. this should be an easy target.

Shots:
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and
looking to get totally drunk… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have
been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be
careful not to make her mad!

Tequila: No explanations required - everyone just
KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum - The deal with guys
is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get
laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine will give him a
sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give a damn about anything but
getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the
toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He’s gay!

Alcohol, Gender, Sex

People have asked for an explanation of Marketing.
Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say,
“I’m fantastic in bed.” — That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says,
“She’s fantastic in bed.” –That’s Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say,
“Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” — That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I,” and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” — That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
“I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” — That’s Brand Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home
with your friend. — That’s a Sales Rep.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you. — That’s Tech Support.

You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!” — That’s Spam

Corporate, Sex

Following are replies given on forms that asked for details regarding a child’s father.

Regarding the identity of the father of my twins: child “A” was fathered by Mr. X. I am unsure of the identity of the father of child “B,” but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

I am not sure of the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when I was taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party, if this helps.

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number?

I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a dent made by my boot heel in one of the door panels. Perhaps you could contact the local BMW agencies and see if he’s had it replaced.

I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

I cannot tell you the name of the child’s father as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have horrible implications for the country’s economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country, please advise.

I do not know who the father of my child is. All sailors look the same to me.

Mr. X the father of my child. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my CDs?

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

So much about that night is a blur. The only thing I remember for sure if that Julia Childs had a program about eggs that day. If I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party mine might have remained unfertilized.

Relationship, Sex

(author unknown)

Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I’m kind of concerned.

I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you’re giving me your number because I’m too shy to ask for it.

I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some
dinner, I relax, you relax. We go out a few more times, get to know each
other’s friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable.

So we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married. I get a promotion; you get a promotion; we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom; but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful.

The sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely
kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you’re stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence

I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I’m careless and a lousy liar. You throw me out (justifiably so), and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up.

That’s just too sad. Think about the children.

So, for God’s sake, if you dance with me, and we hit it off, let’s just
keep it sexual, because we both know where it’s going.

Relationship, Sex

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those with a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?”

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

“Well,” he responded, “I guess you’ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.”

School, Sex

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor
asked him how he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year
old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think
about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell
you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never
missed a season.

But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally
grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.” The doctor continued, “So he
was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of
him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the
handle.”

“And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must
have shot that bear.”

“That’s kind of what I’m getting at…” replied the doctor.

Sex

Two rednecks drive to a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying “Enter here for a chance at free sex!” They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten. The first guy guesses five, the attendant says, “Sorry, but the number is eight.”

The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, “Sorry but the number was three.”

As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and says, “You know, I think that contest was rigged.”

The second guy, the smarter of the two, replies, “Naw, it’s on the up and up. My wife won twice last week.”

Sex

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad: You Can’t find your birth control pills

Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.

Worse: You’re in them.

Good: Your wife bought you a porn movie.

Bad: It’s over five years old.

Worse: Your daughter’s the star.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.

Bad: He’s a crossdresser.

Worse: He Looks better than you.

Good: Your son’s finally maturing.

Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door.

Worse: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Worse: With corrections.

Good: Your wife’s not talking to you.

Bad: She wants a divorce.

Worse: She’s a lawyer.

Good: Your wife says you can go golfing all you want.

Bad: Because she’s leaving you.

Worse: For another woman

Good: The postman’s early

Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47

Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas last year.

Good: The Teacher Likes your son.

Bad: Sexually

Worse: The teacher is a man

Good: You came home for a quickie

Bad: The postman had the same idea

Worse: There’s 5 guys in line.

Good: You finally get a night out.

Bad: You’re seen by the town gossip going into a strip show.

Worse: Your daughter is the headliner

Sex

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.

“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“My God, Bill, what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, she got fired too.”

Sex

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love.

“P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

Sex