Virtual Illusions

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
- Indubitably
- Innovative
- Preliminary
- Proliferation
- Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:

- Specificity
- British Constitution
- Passive-aggressive disorder
- Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:

- Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
- Nope, no more beer for me.
- Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
- Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight.
- Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.

Alcohol, Translation

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
discovered throughout the world.

In a Tokyo Hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not
a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time
we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:

Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the
cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily
except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose
in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly:

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet
Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over
the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site
that people of different sex, for instance, men and women,
live together in one tent unless they are married with each
other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the
lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:

Special today — no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome
to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served
here.

In a Tokyo shop:

Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are
best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance:

- English well speaking

- Here speeching American.

Translation, Urban Legends

These are actual subtitles taken out of old kung-fu movies, kinda funny.

• I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
  
• Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
  
• Gun wounds again?
  
• Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
  
• A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.
  
• Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
  
• Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.
  
• Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
  
• Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.
  
• You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.
  
• I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!
  
• You daring lousy guy.
  
• Beat him out of recognizable shape!
  
• I have been scared shitless too much lately.
  
• I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!
  
• Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
  
• How can you use my intestines as a gift?
  
• The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
  
• This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am
  sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out
  on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
  
• Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short
  rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a
  thorough extermination.
  
• Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a
  team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our
  karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

Translation, Urban Legends

No, really, I’m OK to drive”

I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see
who I am going home with.

“I’m not used to these darts”

I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue
when I am this bombed.

“Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes” (male to female)

You would look great face down in my lap.

“You get this one, next round is on me”

We won’t be here long enough to get another round.

“I’ll get this one, next one is on you”

Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the
next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.

“I haven’t seen you around here for a long time”

You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

“Hey, where is that friend of yours?”

I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your
attractive friend into a compromising position.

“Lets get out of here”

I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy’s
helmet.

“Can I get a glass of white zinfindel” (female)

I’m easy.

“Can I get a glass of white zinfindel” (male)

I’m gay.

“Ever try a body shot?” (male to female)

I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick
you.

“Ever try a body shot?” (female to male)

If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you
on the ride home?

“I don’t feel well, let’s go home” (female)

You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

“I don’t feel well, lets go home” (male)

I’m horny.

“I’ve had like 10 beers already”

I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

“Who’s got the next round?”

I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at
diverting attention.

“Excuse Me” (male to male)

Get the fuck out of the way.

“Excuse Me” (male to female)

I am going to grope you now.

“Excuse Me” (female to male)

Don’t even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.

“Excuse Me” (female to female).

Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not
all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming
in here dressing like a ho…Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap
you, bitch, like the slut you are.

“I’m out of here, I have to work in the morning”

I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have
been avoiding him since football season.

“What do you have on tap?”

What’s cheap?

“Can I have a white Russian?” (male)

I’m really gay.

“Can I have a white Russian?” (female)

I’m really easy.

“You go ahead, I’ll catch a cab”

I already lined up a ride home with your “ex”.

“That person looks really familiar”

Did I sleep with him/her?

“Can I just get a glass of water?” (female)

I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

“Can I just get a glass of water?” (male)

It’s 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago. Hell, I probably
dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you
can do for me.

“Do you have any Wild Turkey?”

I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him
in the morning.

“I don’t have my ID on me” (female)

I’m 19.

“I don’t have my ID on me” (male)

I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .4
after my last visit here.

Alcohol, Translation, Urban Legends

Gender, Translation

Gender, Translation